Phase one, get through the damn thing. Phase three, profit. Or at least, progress.

[thehefner]

Y'know, I tried not to let the bad reviews of me in THE DAVID DANCE get me down. I took it up with the director, who told me not to worry about it, what do they know, you're doing what I told you to do, and so on. Sure, it still bugged me, but I didn't try to think about it. But they stayed with me, still nagging away at me. When I started actively freaking out when people I know showed up to see the show, I figured it was time to face up to a deeply unpleasant fact:

It ain't my best work.

Here's the thing. I know I'm a good actor. Or at least, I can be when I'm given a good director. Several times over the past month and a half I thought about going up here and bitching about my director's utter lack of giving direction, how he rarely ever gave me input or insight, and would frequently give us all line-readings. Aren't line-readings, like, federal offenses in the theatre world?

I was given jack. And while there are several kinds of roles where I know how to command attention, to work a crowd, to be an audience whore even... this ain't one of those roles. This is one of those roles that I (at least thought) I always wanted to do more of-- down to earth, realistic, dramatic roles with humor. Not clowns or comic relief, the roles I frequently get cast in, and for good reasons, I understand and don't dislike that in the least. But I'm just not experienced here, damn it all.

One of the reasons Good was one of my best performances, if not the best performance, I have ever done is because of the deep bond and trust I had with my director Jason Rubin. Here, I got nothing and I did the best I could with nothing. It's a sobering thing, after a couple years of putting out some-- if I may say-- pretty darn good shows and feeling pretty darn good about yourself, only to find out how you really are without a director honing and focusing you.

So what's to be done? Well, graduate school, for one thing. Or at the very least, maybe it's time I took advantage of this break to sign up with some classes at Shakespeare Theatre or Studio. That's clearly what needs to happen.

I just hate that I still have two more performances of this ahead of me. Two more opportunities to go up there and make an arse of myself and not know what the hell I can do to improve myself. GAHH! Suffice it to say, if any of you were thinking of maybe not making it to this one, I won't be heartbroken.

Ach, ok, I'm done. Just needed to get that out there. Shit. Ok. Moving on now.

Comments

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Precious sugar plum.

We LEARN from these things. Learn from the suckage (okay, you know I'm joking, but you also know what I mean). Learn from this what you don't want to do again, and what you've learned about yourself: that right now you do better with a more interactive director that actively helps you craft a performance, and that you don't do well when you don't have one. This is all part of being a good actor, knowing what to work on, how you work best, and what areas need nourishment, encouragement, and growth. So you aren't shining in the big drama llama role? Well, that's a wake up call that you want to next time find a more involved director when you tackle one of these them thar big dramatic roles, not give up acting.

We all get bad reviews occasionally. Make it work for you by seeing how you can grow from this.

<3 <3 <3

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hey look, I'm all for finding the positive outlook on things, but I'm not really sure what I learned from this. Or was what I just said up there basically all that I can take away from this? I mean, it all seemed promising to begin with. I'm not sure what warning signs there could be in the future that I could look at and go "hmm, I should avoid that." It's just kinda hard to know a "good" director till one's worked with him, innit?

And hey, at this point, I can't really afford to turn down many roles. Certainly at least not paying ones.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

You learned what not to do next time! If you have a hands off director for a big dramatic role, RUN the other way!

Seriously, is there someone that you trust to be honest to watch your performance and break it down for your piece by piece, telling you what works and what doesn't?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Not in this play. Well, that is to say, not till a couple nights ago. But before then, I got that neither from the director nor from the co-star/playwright.

If it wouldn't be a subversive and utter betrayal of my director's vision, I'd smuggle one of those trusted friends into a few rehearsals. But ultimately, my director loves (or at least seems sincerely to) what I've been doing, and that really should be enough. Should, being the operative word here.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

Sweetie, this too shall pass. It's a learning thing. Like your friend said, it's about the performance, not the actor. You're still young! You think Bobby DeNiro or Lawrence Olivier nailed everything right in their first few years?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yes! They were always good! Always! And they had supermodels flung at them via catapult! And they had Alaskan salmon stuffed with Maryland crab cake stuffed in lobster every night! And... and spaceships!

[kali921.livejournal.com]

WITH BLINI CAVIAR, VEUVE DE CLICQUOT CHAMPAGNE, AND 5000 THREAD COUNT SILK SHEETS!

[cavenessity.livejournal.com]

Buck up lil camper :) Like other poster said, it's all a learning experience.

And hey, at least you got reviewed!!! I haven't been able to get my ass in anything that's gotten a review in a long while now (hope that cuckoo's nest does ;p)

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Make sure you post those show dates. You have the potential to be a truly magnificent Nurse Ratched.

[cavenessity.livejournal.com]

Will do, and thanks for the vote of confidence! I am certainly going to do my damndest to ;)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I think getting singled out might be worse than getting ignored. Or maybe not; attention is attention, after all.

If you don't get mentioned in Cuckoo's Nest, that'd really blow. Which simply won't happen, because yeah, you in that play? Hells yeah. Cannot WAIT.

[cavenessity.livejournal.com]

Eh, be an attention whore I say ;)

Aw, thanks hon :)

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Be careful about conflating your performance with your own skills as an actor. A review reviews a performance, not an actor. The performance is a combination of a lot of things, not just the actor's skill.

Don't worry about improving this performance. It's over. Oh, you have two more shows to do, and it hurts to know that you're giving a performance you're unhappy about, but you're doing what the director has asked for and that is the highest goal. I italicized that because it's extremely important: the actor that I want to cast is the one who can give me what I want.

I don't always know what I want; the ultimate performance is a collaboration. But it's a collaboration in which I must win; if I lose, you're a lousy actor.

That said, you didn't improve as an actor during this show. You didn't learn anything except how to take a bitch slap from a reviewer; it's a useful skill but not one you wanted.

Perhaps it's because he's a lousy director. Like an actor, a director has only so many tools in his toolbox. One of those is line readings. They've got a bad rep, because they can be mis-used by an actor. But describing an emotion or a motivation is like describing a smell: the language is incredibly poor because you're trying to describe a very rich thing. Some days, a line reading is the only way to say, "This is what the emotion sounds like to me."

A bad actor will simply mimic the director. A good actor will understand that the director may not have any other tools to communicate the idea. If both are good, a wealth of emotion has been communicated from one to the other. The actor can then use that to inform his performance. The tool gets a bad rep because it's easy to use it as the only tool in the director's toolbox, and because it's easy for an actor to misunderstand the direction.

I view it as a tool of last resort, because the actors can mis-use it. Some actors won't learn any other way. Sometimes I lack the proper tool. So I hate bringing it out, because I miss the collaboration, but I do use it.

In this case it sounds like the director ignored you. That hurts, for two different reasons. One, you missed an opportunity to be better. The director sometimes hands you tools you didn't know, and that's one way to grow as an actor. But ultimately, this show isn't about growing you as an actor; it's about putting on the show the director wants to see.

That's two: sometimes, you're just giving the director the performance he wants, right out of the box. A good actor will do that. It hurts to miss the opportunity to grow in your craft, but again, that's not what it's about.

This rambling has gone on too long already, so I'll boil it down:
* Don't get discouraged.
* Don't depend on directors to grow you in your craft
* Do go out for more shows and keep trying. It's the only way.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

That was very, very beautifully said.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I hope it helps.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

This is pretty much exactly what I needed/was looking for/fishing for. I just desperately needed something like this.

No, I'm not ever gonna let this discourage me. Did I make it sound as if that's what I was feeling? If so, then no, absolutely not. Hell, if anything, I wanna get better and do better shows/performances just to wash the taste of this out of my mouth!

As for point 2, I learned that one the hard way. That said, I'm not sure what I would have done differently if I had to do it over again; I thought I was doing the best I could under the circumstances.

And point 3, yeah, absolutely. I have Leagues auditions coming up next week. I'll absolutely keep going for it.

Thanks. Sincerely.

[chickenhat.livejournal.com]

You might be too young, but when the show Fame was on tv I watched it religiously.

There was an episode where Bruno's composition teacher all but forced Bruno to finish a project he didn't want to finish after Bruno had gotten a harsh review. After a triumphant comeback the performance was given and everybody was aplauding, the teacher stood up front and boo'ed the hell out of him.

And then he made his point. That you will get boos, you will get bad reviews. It's more likely you will get applause, but learn how to take the boos and bad reviews and move on.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

A harsh and important lesson. You're absolutely right, you old fogie. ;p

I just need to get it out of my system first, y'know? This is how I deal with things. I express it and then I move on. Hell, I have to move on. There really isn't much choice in the matter.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

Sadly, I'm not very good at understanding all the nuances of acting and the importance that the director-actor relationship has in the overall performance of a particular role, so I can't tell you how to best use this situation to your advantage.

However, your friends seem to know what's what, and have given sound-seeming direction, so you've got that covered.

You know that you've done better. That's why you find this particular performance so stressful, because it's not up to your prior standards. This is a good thing, in part, because your dissatisfaction will prompt you to further hone your art and skill and talent. The classes, as you said.

And maybe this means choosing your plays more systematically, given what you know about your own strengths and weaknesses as an actor, and what you best work with in terms of a director. That doesn't have to preclude roles that make you stretch, but it might help keep you out of dissatisfying situations like this one.

I know this isn't all that comforting when you're just a handful of shows away from being done with this play, but that's what head-smothering bosoms are for.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I do like to think that I *can* do roles like this... heck, I know I *have.* But you're right, I have learned something from it, and it's that while I can, it doesn't come as easily or naturally to me as, say, wild arms-flailing comedy or audience-whorism.

I do appreciate this. The advice and the bosoms for the head-smothering. Even if you aren't as busty as my grandmother seems to think ;p

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

my bosoms are very deceptive.

For what it's worth...

[charisma18.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about "making this a learning experience." Don't put pressure on yourself to use this rough show in order to "grow as an actor." And here's why.

Because that will take care of itself. Particularly in the very amorphous world of theatre, where the difference between a glorious performance and a matinee-worthy blah can't easily be quantified, the temptation to very consciously think "What did I learn from this, and how can I apply it later" can be at times overwhelming.

But if there's anything I've learned in this craft, it's this: Your subconscious, your 'talent,' learns something with every show you do, even if you *consciously* don't feel like you've learned anything different. Sometimes it's even best just to let go, step back, and let your Muse do its thing at its own pace.

I can *guarantee* you that every time you step on that stage, you are a better actor when you come off it. Even if you feel your performance was horrid, even if your performance WAS horrid, that doesn't change the fact that you're a better actor for having given it. And the best part is that you don't even need to know why the experience helped your acting grow; just trust that it did.

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

"Aren't line-readings, like, federal offenses in the theatre world?"

Sweetie, lines-readings are federal offenses in every world!

I know how you feel. Lately I've been so worried about my play I could spit nickels. I've been getting up at 4:30 in the morning without the alarm just to work on it. Only I'm stressing because Le Director went ahead and invited a reader from the RSC to the reading. This was just supposed to be a little private reading to catch the bugs! And beleive me, there were bugs to catch!

Additionally, the actors went really (really) dark in their interpretations, so suddenly I'm getting feedback like 'can't they get more visceral - talk about things like slitting a soldier's throat?' Leaving me wanting to hunt down everyone who was at the reading and explain 'Dude, Rom-Com with Nazis! Rom-Com with Nazis!' (Okay, it's much more than that, but that's definately one way to look at it)(unless you were at the reading)(dangit - I wanted to kill Joan myself!)

Another stress is I don't know how many more rewrites we'll go through before we start talking about finding backers. So whatever draft I next hand in needs to be good enough to be 'the one,' if it comes to that. This is like when I'd attend a huge casting session and find out I made call-backs. The woo and hoo is definately tempered by the oh and shit.

Just hold on - I'm sure we'll make it through! (right?)

[covenhouse-cat.livejournal.com]

They might be a federal offense, but there are still many well-known directors who still give them, including one I had in graduate school who graduated from Harvard, no less, and did pro theatre for years before ending up there. He was a giant jackass, yes, but he still gave line-readings and is still generally accepted as a professional director.

And I feel your pain. I was cast as a lead in a serious play (about death, art, and reconnection to an estranged family member--ugh) a few years ago with a great cast and an ok script and a director who didn't seem to give me anything. She tried, but I just didn't get what she was trying to tell me to do, and consequently, I believed that I sucked. I got an ok-- not great but not "sucked rocks in hell" either-- review, but I just hated my performance in that play. And felt that maybe some more direction, (or clearer direction, or a different direction) would have been able to save it.
But you eventually move on and do something good again, and all is right with the world once more.