in the words of Davy Crockett (Billy Bob Thornton): "I gots ter warn you fellers... I'm a screamer."

[thehefner]

So for pretty much every night for the past week, the woman renting the apartment in our house keeps having loud sex.

I was the first one to start hearing the sounds as I sat alone in the living room, directly under her apartment. It took me about three seconds to realize what it was, what it *had* to have been, but I still had a hard time wrapping my brain around it. You see, she's been absolutely miserable with bronchitis, which doesn't seem like the ideal time to be having sex, much less being the *other* guy. And as for the other guy himself... well, when I told Mom about him, let's just say that the other guy opens up a whooooole new area of gossip which has no bearing here, save that it made the situation all the more bizarre for her to even comprehend it.

So a few nights later, Mom happens to come into the living room as I'm working, and we talk about stuff for a little while, until... shh! There they go again! She shushes, and now we're both listening in for a full minute. Mom's face twists in puzzlement, and in the tone of a little old dotty British Dame, she remarks, "I've never quite heard it like that!"

They're not the kinds of sounds that'd turn you on if you listened in. I mean, I even tried on the fourth night around when I couldn't sleep! I was bored and tired, but no luck. I thought she sounded like a scared dog, while Mom insists that it actually sounds more akin to a "wounded fox." And while it's not exactly totally bothersome, we don't exactly feel good to have these sounds penetrating through the walls at all hours.

But we can't say anything! That'd be so embarrassing for us all, so we don't know what we're going to do. That's when I came up with a brilliant plan. I need to have sex.

No, seriously. I need to get a girl over to my house and have hot, nasty, damn-the-neighbors sex. And not just in my bedroom either! I mean every room of the house, even IN the apartment if that's what it takes! It's for the good of our entire household!

Mom thought that I should just, like, play music loudly or watch TV, so our tenant could figure it out for herself. I don't think it's nearly as effective a ploy, but she has a point. Thus, I hatched my brillant plan of devastating, intellect-dizzying psychological warfare:

Night One: Watch [adult swim] very loudly. Cackle with abandon.

Night Two: Put Dean Martin, Oingo Boingo, and the "Ravenous" soundtrack in my stereo, in that order. Rock out.

Night Three: The hot, nasty sex.

Night Four: Perform the entirety of Oingo Boingo's "Dead Man's Party." I mean, the album. Actually playing the album while I sing and dance along to it is purely optional.

Night Five: Perform my one-man version of THE PRODUCERS. Fly rosinslady down if necessary to cameo as Ulla. End by giving myself a fifteen-minute standing ovation.

Night Six: Hot, nasty sex 2: Electric Boogalloo.

Night Seven: Day of Rest (aka Intermission)

Night Eight: I steal all the TVs in our house (the one in the living room, Mom's, and my Grandmother's), bring them up to my room to watch four of my all-time favorite movies at the same time: I'm thinking ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST, MANHUNTER, RAVENOUS, and KISS KISS, BANG BANG.

Night Nine: Late night civilized tea party and Dostoevsky discussion group.

Night Ten: Do a Johnny Go and challenge myself to a martini drinking contest (last time I did that, I came in third.)

Night Eleven: Fly bloo_mountain down here, get in full Joker and Harley costume, and re-enact the entirety of "Settin' the Woods on Fire." And then, maybe the hot, nasty clown sex. Sure, we're broken up, but a good idea is a good idea, especially for the sake of our household!

Night Twelve: Knock on her door and insist on offering her a "wet one." After she refuses three times, belt out, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLAHOMA WHERE THE WIND GOES SWEEPING DOWN THE PLAIN..."

And that's just Phase One. Phase Three is profit!

Of course, my natural loud, projecting actor voice will probably do the job alone sooner or later. But if it doesn't... let it never be said that I don't have a plan.

Comments

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

Play Enya reallllly loud.

Nothing says "sex" like Enya. Even sex.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I'd kinda be tempted to lean more towards Leonard Cohen. I'd suggest settling this in my usual fashion by throwing Cohen and Enya in the pit of death and seeing who wins, but that would just end in more sex.

[torberg.livejournal.com]

No, no, no...you need to (loudly) sing "Settin' the Woods on Fire" while having hot, nasty clown sex.

[torberg.livejournal.com]

Also, I would like to commend you for not busting your way into the apartment with a sword.

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

leave popcorn outside her door.

Aren't you supposed to throw popcorn at the movie screen when the movie is bad? Might be too subtle tho.

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

This totally needs to be a Monologue.

Why?

Four words: Pineapple. Out. My. Nose.

Ouch. *snicker*

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

My best friend in college (reportergirlkes used to throw marshmallows through my transom.

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

This totally needs to be a Monologue.

Seconded!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh God, of *course,* it's so obvious now!

Bloo, take notes!

[disc-sophist.livejournal.com]

Thirded! Though unless the story continues, it's more of a hilarious little tangent.

hello, little lurker

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

That's the problem, isn't it? I want to tell actual stories, not anecdotes, but life does not always afford clean resolutions to conflicts.

That said, perhaps I could use this as a tangent (and if you've read my Hefner Monologues, you know tangenting is my thing) to a bigger story about sex or something. Just as I used the "My Day In Traffic Court" story as a tangent for the bigger Tammy story.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hee hee hee!

Subtle is important. Remember, this is intellect-dizzying psychological warfare here!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I don't have a sword.

I do have a big, heavy, rusty antique that my brother bought for me, though. We're still not sure if it's some kind of anchor or harpoon or something. That could work!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Sorry for your nose, but... yay! :)

But still, check out my reply to da Sophist below.

Re: hello, little lurker

[disc-sophist.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's what I meant. I love a good tangent in my spoken word. If it's well done (and sex-related tangents are the best & easiest to tie in), it makes a good break in the longer story, and steps up the pace when you come back to it. However you use it, though, this is an awesome story. And in medias res, to boot!

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

Well, right. But it definitely should find its way into the Monologues, either as a stand-alone or as a tangent to another narrative!

(Great icon. Ah, the Mustache of Doom!)

[tazira.livejournal.com]

I did something very like that, once. Sophomore year in college, I had a next door neighbor named Nikki, spelled just like that.

Somehow, when a woman's name is Nikki, and she spells it like that, she simply has to be a slut. Anything else would be false advertising.

So Nikki the Slut used to have sex. A lot of sex. Really, screamingly loud sex of the kind that would wake the entire dorm.

I wish I was kidding.

The first time we ever heard her scream like that, we thought she was being murdered or raped, and two big strapping guys and I went charging down the hall and burst heroically through the door, expecting to have to break it down.

Not being locked, it gave way immediately.

They didn't care, they just kept on going. It was kind of impressive, in a train-wreck sort of way.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, that is commitment.

And you're talking to a guy whose first two great loves had stripper names.

[torberg.livejournal.com]

Have you heard about this story? Synopsis: man thinks he hears a rape occurring in neighboring apartment. Man grabs sword and busts into apartment. Turns out person in apartment is watching porn and has the volume too loud.

[torberg.livejournal.com]

See my response to tazira, below.

Re: hello, little lurker

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thankee! Good, I was hoping I had a new winner here! Yay!

I'm totally gonna be refining this one to make each step individually more funny and surreal. And I'll probably add more.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Aw man, that's great! I don't even know how I should feel about that poor guy! I mean, hey, I commend him for his... uh, attempt to right a wrong, but... wow.

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

That can be fixed. Each of the list items is somewhat abbreviated. They're almost bullet points. Expand each into a full paragraph of explication and description, and voila! Hilarity will actually ensue!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh man, this will get totally blown up all over the place in a potentially wonderful way. Although some, like the PRODUCERS or the tea party ones, I just don't think need anything else. Or maybe they do. I'm just loathe to beat a good joke into the ground.

I'm still gonna have to find a way to wrap it up, though!

[ortugatay.livejournal.com]

Haha, this reminds me of Boothe's neighbors. When he very first moved into his apartment, I came over and spent the weekend with him. It was late at night, and we were laying in bed just talking and getting ready to sleep when we heard the loudest sex we have ever heard through his ceiling. Moaning, groaning, creaking, thumping, the whole works. And then we realized after a while that the two voices we heard were both females. Turns out it's really hard to hold a conversation when you're listening to noisy lesbian sex.
We've never met whom we imagine to be hot lesbians, but we hear them listen to 80s music a lot and it makes us glad.