in the words of Davy Crockett (Billy Bob Thornton): "I gots ter warn you fellers... I'm a screamer."

[thehefner]

So for pretty much every night for the past week, the woman renting the apartment in our house keeps having loud sex.

I was the first one to start hearing the sounds as I sat alone in the living room, directly under her apartment. It took me about three seconds to realize what it was, what it *had* to have been, but I still had a hard time wrapping my brain around it. You see, she's been absolutely miserable with bronchitis, which doesn't seem like the ideal time to be having sex, much less being the *other* guy. And as for the other guy himself... well, when I told Mom about him, let's just say that the other guy opens up a whooooole new area of gossip which has no bearing here, save that it made the situation all the more bizarre for her to even comprehend it.

So a few nights later, Mom happens to come into the living room as I'm working, and we talk about stuff for a little while, until... shh! There they go again! She shushes, and now we're both listening in for a full minute. Mom's face twists in puzzlement, and in the tone of a little old dotty British Dame, she remarks, "I've never quite heard it like that!"

They're not the kinds of sounds that'd turn you on if you listened in. I mean, I even tried on the fourth night around when I couldn't sleep! I was bored and tired, but no luck. I thought she sounded like a scared dog, while Mom insists that it actually sounds more akin to a "wounded fox." And while it's not exactly totally bothersome, we don't exactly feel good to have these sounds penetrating through the walls at all hours.

But we can't say anything! That'd be so embarrassing for us all, so we don't know what we're going to do. That's when I came up with a brilliant plan. I need to have sex.

No, seriously. I need to get a girl over to my house and have hot, nasty, damn-the-neighbors sex. And not just in my bedroom either! I mean every room of the house, even IN the apartment if that's what it takes! It's for the good of our entire household!

Mom thought that I should just, like, play music loudly or watch TV, so our tenant could figure it out for herself. I don't think it's nearly as effective a ploy, but she has a point. Thus, I hatched my brillant plan of devastating, intellect-dizzying psychological warfare:

Night One: Watch [adult swim] very loudly. Cackle with abandon.

Night Two: Put Dean Martin, Oingo Boingo, and the "Ravenous" soundtrack in my stereo, in that order. Rock out.

Night Three: The hot, nasty sex.

Night Four: Perform the entirety of Oingo Boingo's "Dead Man's Party." I mean, the album. Actually playing the album while I sing and dance along to it is purely optional.

Night Five: Perform my one-man version of THE PRODUCERS. Fly rosinslady down if necessary to cameo as Ulla. End by giving myself a fifteen-minute standing ovation.

Night Six: Hot, nasty sex 2: Electric Boogalloo.

Night Seven: Day of Rest (aka Intermission)

Night Eight: I steal all the TVs in our house (the one in the living room, Mom's, and my Grandmother's), bring them up to my room to watch four of my all-time favorite movies at the same time: I'm thinking ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST, MANHUNTER, RAVENOUS, and KISS KISS, BANG BANG.

Night Nine: Late night civilized tea party and Dostoevsky discussion group.

Night Ten: Do a Johnny Go and challenge myself to a martini drinking contest (last time I did that, I came in third.)

Night Eleven: Fly bloo_mountain down here, get in full Joker and Harley costume, and re-enact the entirety of "Settin' the Woods on Fire." And then, maybe the hot, nasty clown sex. Sure, we're broken up, but a good idea is a good idea, especially for the sake of our household!

Night Twelve: Knock on her door and insist on offering her a "wet one." After she refuses three times, belt out, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLAHOMA WHERE THE WIND GOES SWEEPING DOWN THE PLAIN..."

And that's just Phase One. Phase Three is profit!

Of course, my natural loud, projecting actor voice will probably do the job alone sooner or later. But if it doesn't... let it never be said that I don't have a plan.

Comments

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

Play Enya reallllly loud.

Nothing says "sex" like Enya. Even sex.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I'd kinda be tempted to lean more towards Leonard Cohen. I'd suggest settling this in my usual fashion by throwing Cohen and Enya in the pit of death and seeing who wins, but that would just end in more sex.

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

leave popcorn outside her door.

Aren't you supposed to throw popcorn at the movie screen when the movie is bad? Might be too subtle tho.

[frumple.livejournal.com]

Nonononono

Barry White... Nothing says sex like Barry White.... unless you can get a CD of 70s porn music.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

I'm definitely a metal chick.

Throw on some Slayer, Maiden or Manowar and I'm good to go.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hard core.

[torberg.livejournal.com]

No, no, no...you need to (loudly) sing "Settin' the Woods on Fire" while having hot, nasty clown sex.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh God, of *course,* it's so obvious now!

Bloo, take notes!

[torberg.livejournal.com]

Also, I would like to commend you for not busting your way into the apartment with a sword.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I don't have a sword.

I do have a big, heavy, rusty antique that my brother bought for me, though. We're still not sure if it's some kind of anchor or harpoon or something. That could work!

[torberg.livejournal.com]

See my response to tazira, below.

[gnort.livejournal.com]

there's a store in our mall that sells swords. I can't remember the name of the place though, they have all sorts of daggers too..and sais! The best one I saw in the display case was a policeman's night stick, that's just funny.

[tazira.livejournal.com]

I did something very like that, once. Sophomore year in college, I had a next door neighbor named Nikki, spelled just like that.

Somehow, when a woman's name is Nikki, and she spells it like that, she simply has to be a slut. Anything else would be false advertising.

So Nikki the Slut used to have sex. A lot of sex. Really, screamingly loud sex of the kind that would wake the entire dorm.

I wish I was kidding.

The first time we ever heard her scream like that, we thought she was being murdered or raped, and two big strapping guys and I went charging down the hall and burst heroically through the door, expecting to have to break it down.

Not being locked, it gave way immediately.

They didn't care, they just kept on going. It was kind of impressive, in a train-wreck sort of way.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, that is commitment.

And you're talking to a guy whose first two great loves had stripper names.

[torberg.livejournal.com]

Have you heard about this story? Synopsis: man thinks he hears a rape occurring in neighboring apartment. Man grabs sword and busts into apartment. Turns out person in apartment is watching porn and has the volume too loud.

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

This totally needs to be a Monologue.

Why?

Four words: Pineapple. Out. My. Nose.

Ouch. *snicker*

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

This totally needs to be a Monologue.

Seconded!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Sorry for your nose, but... yay! :)

But still, check out my reply to da Sophist below.

[ortugatay.livejournal.com]

Haha, this reminds me of Boothe's neighbors. When he very first moved into his apartment, I came over and spent the weekend with him. It was late at night, and we were laying in bed just talking and getting ready to sleep when we heard the loudest sex we have ever heard through his ceiling. Moaning, groaning, creaking, thumping, the whole works. And then we realized after a while that the two voices we heard were both females. Turns out it's really hard to hold a conversation when you're listening to noisy lesbian sex.
We've never met whom we imagine to be hot lesbians, but we hear them listen to 80s music a lot and it makes us glad.

[deliapuppeh.livejournal.com]

Good thing there are no young children in your household, that would be a bit hard to explain. "Mommy, why does (insert name) always scream at night?" "She - uhm - she's having bad dreams sweetie."

There's also a simpler method, takes less effort but involves less sex: porn 24/7 on loudest. If you want to make it more effective, then jump on your bed a bit while playing the porn. Or better yet, jump on your mom's bed. Or Grandma's. That would be hilaaaaaarious!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

No, no, no, it has to be the real thing! She can't just hear some electronic stranger's voice, it needs to be that of the very person who lives right next door to her! She'll be able to tell, because who else could scream out the Green Lantern Oath during sex, followed by "SHAZAM! SHAZAM! SHAZAM!"

Had to be the real thing. For the good of the household! In every room of the household!

[lairdofdarkness.livejournal.com]

After reading this post, I CANNOT WAIT for your monologue to be up on you tube.
and I agree this post shoudl be added to it.

Hats off to ya

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Fingers crossed, pally. Hopefully it will be up soon.

And thankee!

[gore-whore-5.livejournal.com]

Two words. Little. Girls.

[heleneotroy.livejournal.com]

You could stand just outside her door and imitate the noises that she makes.

Or you could stand outside her door and hold a loud conversation critiquing the sex like a football game.

Or, the next time you see her say "Wow, you really had 3 orgasms last night? Impressive!"