"It's blood." "... son of a BITCH."
Apr. 5th, 2007 01:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thehefnerGRINDHOUSE.
Wow.
...
Wow.
Thanks to my comic store, I went to go see a special sneak preview last night. And let me tell you, I'm still thinking about it. For a movie that many will think of (and will still find) all superficial schlock and action, I found GRINDHOUSE to be an utter geek feast, something that I and my friends (and Mom) will be talking about for weeks to come.
Movie audiences will likely prefer Robert Rodriguez's PLANET TERROR, while snobby film critics (me included) will probably prefer Tarantino's DEATH PROOF. I'm still not certain if it was the right or wrong thing to put DEATH PROOF at the end, after a good hour and a half of non-stop parody/homage/over-the-top action and fun. DEATH PROOF is much, much more talky, much more slowly paced, and I could easily see impatient people walking out, or just tuning it out from sheer exhaustion after the earlier stuff.
As Devin on CHUD.com suggested, Rodriguez has made an over-the-top fever dream approximation of everything people think of when they think of grindhouse movies. Tarantino, on the other hand, just went ahead and actually made a pretty straight-forward grindhouse film. His is easily the more challenging film, and certainly has its own flaws, but I personally do think it's the superior film, ending the movie of a richly satisfying note.
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
spacechild said that he would probably sooner pop PLANET TERROR on DVD rather than DEATH PROOF, which makes perfect sense; PLANET TERROR is non-stop badassery geek crack fun, and totally awesome in every respect. But DEATH PROOF is not for the short of attention. It's a film that takes it's sweet time, and often goes on and on in scenes, making you wonder why we're seemingly spending soooo much attention to these girls and their conversations, especially considering what the hell might have just happened. And then, BAM! Only BAM! isn't a strong enough word, but it'll have to do.
Because I don't want to spoil anything. The less you know going into this film, the better. Just go. Bring caffeine, make sure you don't have to hit the bathroom, and settle in. Go with your best geek friends and find a packed theatre house with the biggest screen possible.
I'll tell you this. I'm fucking seeing it again this Friday. I was so busy laughing or gasping or cheering, there was so much that I missed the first time around.
I'll share my actual thoughts on the cast and other such things later on, posting instead what my well be the greatest movie review I've ever read.
Remember, when George W. Bush was elected, and he said that thing about how, by 2008, we’d have “movies that would explode in our balls like a shotgun filled with handjobs”?
Well, that promise came true two days ago when I saw GRINDHOUSE in Hollywood. Except not only was it a shotgun full of handjobs exploding in my balls, but also my balls suddenly knew how to make fire using karate. All from seeing GRINDHOUSE, a movie that’s made of screaming car crash zombie boobs.
It isn’t even a movie – it’s TWO movies with some trailers and stuff at the beginning, and also between the movies. The directors – more about them in a second (there’s TWO!) – wanted to recreate the way movies were back in the 1920’s, when you could sell a script that was one page that just said, “TITS THEN A MONSTER THEN MORE TITS THEN AN EXPLOSION THEN BONUS TITS” and everyone knew what you were talking about.
Also, there’s zombies getting killed by a helicopter, which is not only cool to look at, but shows how the movie-makers did some research, to make things realistic.
First off, the movie lets you know you’re going to get your poop kicked out of you, formed into a set of brass knuckles, and now here comes a poop-punch.
Because they show a trailer for a movie I need to see RIGHT NOW with my eyes (I already saw it in my head when I was driving last week and Van Halen’s “Panama” came on the radio and I’d just started eating a Payday). It’s called MACHETE, and it’s got that Mexican guy who’s always in movies where there’s people who really need knives stuck into them, and he’s always, “Here, let’s get those knives in you”. Danny something.
Whatever his last name is, he should change it to, “Fuck-a-dilly” because everyone says that automatic when they see him, because he’s going to bring the fuck-a-dilly to the movie, which will probably involve a foot, a face, and foot-face-fuckup. Also, Cheech from Cheech and The Chong is in the trailer, and he’s a priest and he’s shooting people, which is ironic, I think.
Then the first movie starts. It’s called PLANET OF TERROR, and it’s about a planet (which looks a lot like Earth) that’s made of pure terror. Here’s how shit-scream terrorizing it is: there’s these mutated kill-monsters, but even BEFORE they show up there’s all this fucking terror. Like a doctor who wants to kill his doctor wife, and the doctor wife is always sticking these three needles into people which fucks them up, and there’s a sheriff who’s played by that Reese guy from TERMINATOR robot. The sheriff looks like he’s always going to kill someone by crushing a bunch of walnuts in his mouth and spitting the shells through their skull.
So, there’s a lot of shit like that, plus Fergie’s cleave, some bar-b-q, bad parenting, Bruce Willis turning into a monster, and Rose McGowan with a machine gun for a leg. I’ve never seen a woman I wanted so bad to rub one out to, but also kind of killed my boner in a way that gave me a bigger boner. Oh yeah, she almost-nude dances for the first three minutes of the movie and even though she doesn’t get totally naked I need to go buy three extra PAUSE buttons for my remote by the time the DVD comes out.
!!!WARNING, MAJOR SPOILER!!!
Rose McGowan will make you cluster-spooge in your pants.
!!!END SPOILER!!!
PLANET OF TERROR is directed by Robert Rodriquez, which is all I need to say. In fact, instead of his name on poster saying, “Directed By”, he can legally change his name to a picture of a naked Viking woman on a snowmobile with flamethrowers out the back and the flamethrowers are killing a Yeti. That’s the level of guaranteed quality his name brings to stuff.
Then there’s three other trailers – one by Rob Zombie that involves Nazis and werewolves (more factual research), one by Edgar Wright that made me laugh harder than seeing an old man give the finger to a fat kid, and then one by Eli Roth that Eli Roth should make.
Actually, the fake trailers are kind of a bummer, because I really wish they weren’t fake. Maybe the government will put some “don’t be a pussy” drug in the water supply, and everyone will go see this instead of PILLOW FIGHT AND SCENTED CANDLES AND BOREDOM, or whatever Sandra Bullock movie’s coming out, and they’ll make more of these.
Then the second movie started. It’s called DEATH PROOF. You know what it isn’t-PROOF? Boner-inducing proof.
This one was directed by Quentin Tarantino, who’s been an actor in stuff like RESERVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION (he’s also in PLANET OF TERROR and DEATH PROOF). This is his first directing job and the dude KICKS ALL SPECTRUM OF ASS. He kicks ass that isn’t even in the ass area. Like, his director skills are so stripper-with-chainsaw good they make you grow asses on other parts of your body that he then kicks. I hope he directs more movies. I would see them, burn down the theater, and then call the fire department so I could tell all the fireman about what a kick-ass movie it was. When they started to attack me with axes, I’d fly away because Quentin’s movie would have given me ninja flight.
DEATH PROOF is about this dude, Driver Mike, and he’s played by Kurt Plissken, and goddamn but that dude just gets more bad-ass as he gets older. You know how Sly Stallone kind of looks like Bea Arthur now, and Jean-Claude Van Damme looks like Ally Sheedy? Well, Kurt Plissken looks like a dumpster full of drop kicks. He could fuck a bulldozer into eight Mini Coopers. Fuck, I should pitch that to someone.
Anyway, he’s this crazy dude who gets off by killing four girls at a time in cars. Like, he’s got this car, this death proof stunt car, and he kills women by either
1. Giving them a ride in the car, and bashing them around in this special seat so they feel like they’ve watched the PINK PANTHER remake twelve times or
2. Going all Mad Max meets Humungous head-on dead-on kill-crazy.
!!!WARNING, MAJOR SPOILER!!!
The title, DEATH PROOF, refers to Kurt’s car being “death proof”.
!!!END SPOILERS!!!
We get to see Kurt fucking up these four hotties with a car crash, but then – and this is where, if you’re with your girlfriend, she’ll realize how sensitive you are – he fucks with the wrong women, and let’s just say the audience I saw it with almost gave the ending a standing ovation. But their boners would have knocked over popcorn and sodas, so they just happy- screamed instead.
First 300 and now this? I think the summer of 2007 just went, “Hey, let me take you to a free taquito buffet” and you eat all these taquitos and then the summer goes, “Here comes a foot to your stomach”, but you go, “It’s full of taquitos” but it’s too late – there’s a boot in your stomach only the boot is really a motorcycle and you puke up a bikini girl who blows you and then kills your boss with a hammer.
That’s what GRINDHOUSE is. It’s a taquito buffet that you puke up after getting hit with a motorcycle, and it turns into a bikini chick that blows you and kills your boss with a hammer.
Rodriguez and Tarantino probably don’t read this site, but someone should tell them they can use that last paragraph as a quick blurb.
Wow.
...
Wow.
Thanks to my comic store, I went to go see a special sneak preview last night. And let me tell you, I'm still thinking about it. For a movie that many will think of (and will still find) all superficial schlock and action, I found GRINDHOUSE to be an utter geek feast, something that I and my friends (and Mom) will be talking about for weeks to come.
Movie audiences will likely prefer Robert Rodriguez's PLANET TERROR, while snobby film critics (me included) will probably prefer Tarantino's DEATH PROOF. I'm still not certain if it was the right or wrong thing to put DEATH PROOF at the end, after a good hour and a half of non-stop parody/homage/over-the-top action and fun. DEATH PROOF is much, much more talky, much more slowly paced, and I could easily see impatient people walking out, or just tuning it out from sheer exhaustion after the earlier stuff.
As Devin on CHUD.com suggested, Rodriguez has made an over-the-top fever dream approximation of everything people think of when they think of grindhouse movies. Tarantino, on the other hand, just went ahead and actually made a pretty straight-forward grindhouse film. His is easily the more challenging film, and certainly has its own flaws, but I personally do think it's the superior film, ending the movie of a richly satisfying note.
spacechild said that he would probably sooner pop PLANET TERROR on DVD rather than DEATH PROOF, which makes perfect sense; PLANET TERROR is non-stop badassery geek crack fun, and totally awesome in every respect. But DEATH PROOF is not for the short of attention. It's a film that takes it's sweet time, and often goes on and on in scenes, making you wonder why we're seemingly spending soooo much attention to these girls and their conversations, especially considering what the hell might have just happened. And then, BAM! Only BAM! isn't a strong enough word, but it'll have to do.Because I don't want to spoil anything. The less you know going into this film, the better. Just go. Bring caffeine, make sure you don't have to hit the bathroom, and settle in. Go with your best geek friends and find a packed theatre house with the biggest screen possible.
I'll tell you this. I'm fucking seeing it again this Friday. I was so busy laughing or gasping or cheering, there was so much that I missed the first time around.
I'll share my actual thoughts on the cast and other such things later on, posting instead what my well be the greatest movie review I've ever read.
Remember, when George W. Bush was elected, and he said that thing about how, by 2008, we’d have “movies that would explode in our balls like a shotgun filled with handjobs”?
Well, that promise came true two days ago when I saw GRINDHOUSE in Hollywood. Except not only was it a shotgun full of handjobs exploding in my balls, but also my balls suddenly knew how to make fire using karate. All from seeing GRINDHOUSE, a movie that’s made of screaming car crash zombie boobs.
It isn’t even a movie – it’s TWO movies with some trailers and stuff at the beginning, and also between the movies. The directors – more about them in a second (there’s TWO!) – wanted to recreate the way movies were back in the 1920’s, when you could sell a script that was one page that just said, “TITS THEN A MONSTER THEN MORE TITS THEN AN EXPLOSION THEN BONUS TITS” and everyone knew what you were talking about.
Also, there’s zombies getting killed by a helicopter, which is not only cool to look at, but shows how the movie-makers did some research, to make things realistic.
First off, the movie lets you know you’re going to get your poop kicked out of you, formed into a set of brass knuckles, and now here comes a poop-punch.
Because they show a trailer for a movie I need to see RIGHT NOW with my eyes (I already saw it in my head when I was driving last week and Van Halen’s “Panama” came on the radio and I’d just started eating a Payday). It’s called MACHETE, and it’s got that Mexican guy who’s always in movies where there’s people who really need knives stuck into them, and he’s always, “Here, let’s get those knives in you”. Danny something.
Whatever his last name is, he should change it to, “Fuck-a-dilly” because everyone says that automatic when they see him, because he’s going to bring the fuck-a-dilly to the movie, which will probably involve a foot, a face, and foot-face-fuckup. Also, Cheech from Cheech and The Chong is in the trailer, and he’s a priest and he’s shooting people, which is ironic, I think.
Then the first movie starts. It’s called PLANET OF TERROR, and it’s about a planet (which looks a lot like Earth) that’s made of pure terror. Here’s how shit-scream terrorizing it is: there’s these mutated kill-monsters, but even BEFORE they show up there’s all this fucking terror. Like a doctor who wants to kill his doctor wife, and the doctor wife is always sticking these three needles into people which fucks them up, and there’s a sheriff who’s played by that Reese guy from TERMINATOR robot. The sheriff looks like he’s always going to kill someone by crushing a bunch of walnuts in his mouth and spitting the shells through their skull.
So, there’s a lot of shit like that, plus Fergie’s cleave, some bar-b-q, bad parenting, Bruce Willis turning into a monster, and Rose McGowan with a machine gun for a leg. I’ve never seen a woman I wanted so bad to rub one out to, but also kind of killed my boner in a way that gave me a bigger boner. Oh yeah, she almost-nude dances for the first three minutes of the movie and even though she doesn’t get totally naked I need to go buy three extra PAUSE buttons for my remote by the time the DVD comes out.
!!!WARNING, MAJOR SPOILER!!!
Rose McGowan will make you cluster-spooge in your pants.
!!!END SPOILER!!!
PLANET OF TERROR is directed by Robert Rodriquez, which is all I need to say. In fact, instead of his name on poster saying, “Directed By”, he can legally change his name to a picture of a naked Viking woman on a snowmobile with flamethrowers out the back and the flamethrowers are killing a Yeti. That’s the level of guaranteed quality his name brings to stuff.
Then there’s three other trailers – one by Rob Zombie that involves Nazis and werewolves (more factual research), one by Edgar Wright that made me laugh harder than seeing an old man give the finger to a fat kid, and then one by Eli Roth that Eli Roth should make.
Actually, the fake trailers are kind of a bummer, because I really wish they weren’t fake. Maybe the government will put some “don’t be a pussy” drug in the water supply, and everyone will go see this instead of PILLOW FIGHT AND SCENTED CANDLES AND BOREDOM, or whatever Sandra Bullock movie’s coming out, and they’ll make more of these.
Then the second movie started. It’s called DEATH PROOF. You know what it isn’t-PROOF? Boner-inducing proof.
This one was directed by Quentin Tarantino, who’s been an actor in stuff like RESERVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION (he’s also in PLANET OF TERROR and DEATH PROOF). This is his first directing job and the dude KICKS ALL SPECTRUM OF ASS. He kicks ass that isn’t even in the ass area. Like, his director skills are so stripper-with-chainsaw good they make you grow asses on other parts of your body that he then kicks. I hope he directs more movies. I would see them, burn down the theater, and then call the fire department so I could tell all the fireman about what a kick-ass movie it was. When they started to attack me with axes, I’d fly away because Quentin’s movie would have given me ninja flight.
DEATH PROOF is about this dude, Driver Mike, and he’s played by Kurt Plissken, and goddamn but that dude just gets more bad-ass as he gets older. You know how Sly Stallone kind of looks like Bea Arthur now, and Jean-Claude Van Damme looks like Ally Sheedy? Well, Kurt Plissken looks like a dumpster full of drop kicks. He could fuck a bulldozer into eight Mini Coopers. Fuck, I should pitch that to someone.
Anyway, he’s this crazy dude who gets off by killing four girls at a time in cars. Like, he’s got this car, this death proof stunt car, and he kills women by either
1. Giving them a ride in the car, and bashing them around in this special seat so they feel like they’ve watched the PINK PANTHER remake twelve times or
2. Going all Mad Max meets Humungous head-on dead-on kill-crazy.
!!!WARNING, MAJOR SPOILER!!!
The title, DEATH PROOF, refers to Kurt’s car being “death proof”.
!!!END SPOILERS!!!
We get to see Kurt fucking up these four hotties with a car crash, but then – and this is where, if you’re with your girlfriend, she’ll realize how sensitive you are – he fucks with the wrong women, and let’s just say the audience I saw it with almost gave the ending a standing ovation. But their boners would have knocked over popcorn and sodas, so they just happy- screamed instead.
First 300 and now this? I think the summer of 2007 just went, “Hey, let me take you to a free taquito buffet” and you eat all these taquitos and then the summer goes, “Here comes a foot to your stomach”, but you go, “It’s full of taquitos” but it’s too late – there’s a boot in your stomach only the boot is really a motorcycle and you puke up a bikini girl who blows you and then kills your boss with a hammer.
That’s what GRINDHOUSE is. It’s a taquito buffet that you puke up after getting hit with a motorcycle, and it turns into a bikini chick that blows you and kills your boss with a hammer.
Rodriguez and Tarantino probably don’t read this site, but someone should tell them they can use that last paragraph as a quick blurb.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 05:48 am (UTC)PS. I got a call at work on Monday from someone who was about to give out free promotional tickets to Grindhouse-- but my sense of ethics kicked in, and I told lady to call my boss to actual make it all legalfied.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 05:53 am (UTC)Aha, so weren't you before wondering why you never got any such perks, like free passes to see 300? Well, there you go!
no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 05:55 am (UTC)At 10 in the morning before I've had my first cup of coffee on the job. On my smoke break-- trust me, I am not pleasant the first few hours in the morning.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 06:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 07:08 pm (UTC)Zombie's is definitely the weakest of the four fake trailers, but it benefits from having A.) the best title, B.) a great cast, and C.) a fucking brilliant money shot of a cameo.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 07:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 07:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-04-08 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 08:34 pm (UTC)HE IS STILL HOT STOP
DON'T JUDGE ME STOP
no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 08:36 pm (UTC)He's quite excellent in the film. He is damn wonderful at playing a bully.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-05 10:46 pm (UTC)I just namechecked you on my brand spanking new LJ entry.
Also, it's Neill Cumpston, not Neil Crumpston, although I like the latter far better. Heh.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-04-06 10:53 pm (UTC)whereas Death Proof is a slow build commitment, like wearing a blindfold for 45 minutes while someone tickles your taint with the dull side of that big-ass knife Rambo had, and it could easily be Betty White's older, less hot sister doing it... but then she whips the blindfold off you and its actually Natalie Portman but with bigger boobs, and she says "and you never thought i'd be this kinky, huh?" as she pulls out the Orgazmo gun and shoots you in the ass with it.
ok, i actually said that Death Proof was sort of like the Hitcher in its slow burn build-up.. but whatever.
so what are you doing saturday night? Holly is away and i need something to do. beer? hookers? Natalie Portman but with bigger boobs?
no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 04:52 am (UTC)I was thinking about catching a play in Herndon at 8, but I guess I could do it next week.
It's bites that you're A.) gonna need a ride back to your place and B.) that you can't stay out too late, as I wanna drink too!
no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 01:41 pm (UTC)i dont wanna be out all night or anything, but we can still have some fun.
i'm, off around 8:30, as per usual.
lets ride!
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:Metaquoted!
Date: 2007-04-07 07:14 pm (UTC)Re: Metaquoted!
Date: 2007-04-07 07:20 pm (UTC)now here's a link to my wishlist..
/asshat
Re: Metaquoted!
From:Re: Metaquoted!
From:Re: Metaquoted!
From:Re: Metaquoted!
Date: 2007-04-07 07:23 pm (UTC)did you ever see the demotivator poster i put up for you the other day?
Kali here, too lazy to log out of RP account
From:Re: Kali here, too lazy to log out of RP account
From:no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 07:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 07:54 pm (UTC)I'm gonna... go over here now. *scampers away, shamed*
I share your sad face
From:no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 07:56 pm (UTC)http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/5991065.html
no subject
Date: 2007-04-07 08:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:Here via metaquotes
Date: 2007-04-08 02:12 am (UTC)This is his first directing job
I searched all over your post to see whether or not you were being sarcastic, and usually I catch on with that stuff, and if I missed I apologize dearly
but
this is so not Tarantino's first directing job. He did Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Jackie Brown, both Kill Bills, and a scene in Rodriguez's Sin City.
Please, because it'll bother me otherwise, tell me, did you know this and I missed a punchline?
But otherwise, yeah, I'm a straight female, and Rose Macgowan is now on my LIST of women I'd do. Totally.
Re: Here via metaquotes
Date: 2007-04-08 04:11 am (UTC)Re: Here via metaquotes
Date: 2007-04-08 04:37 am (UTC)Also, I....don't know him. At all.
However, I'm glad it was sarcasm, otherwise, well, I'd have a bit of a cry. Probably.