I'm shaken but stirred
May. 4th, 2007 11:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thehefnerSo roughly seven hours since I watched Spalding Gray's MONSTER IN A BOX (feeling a mixture of awe with a dash of "hell, I can do this,") and just as I was racking my brain over how the hell to fit THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES in an hour and a half show, give or take a possible intermission, which in of itself would be Hefnerian, the way I have it planned... I get an e-mail from the Fringe people. See, I wrote to them yesterday, wanting to just double-check a little issue I was having. And it turns out, my fears were confirmed.
You see, when I originally proposed to do this show for the Fringe, I had thought to just do "My Grandfather's Last Words," which is just one story that I thought to expand to an hour. But then I realized that I had much richer, stronger, more theatrical and more universal stories than that, and so I changed the nature of my show to my current idea of an hour and a half about Tammy, going naked on stage, emasculating myself in front of a Maryland traffic court judge, and existential pondering on the connotations of being related to (but having no other possible connection with) one of the most powerful and enduring icons of the 20th century and beyond. I have a great story here-- an epic, multi-layered and rich monologue of smaller monologues that has the potential to be as personal as it is universal, just so long as I could somehow get it all in around 90 minutes.
Welp... turns out now I only have 60 minutes.
Yeah. It, uh... it looks like that since I originally applied asking for 60 minutes, that's all I get. Other people need the space, so the schedule is tight and I... just... I gotta do it all, or do something else, in the space of an hour.
...
No, seriously, this... this could be fucking great. I mean, OK, so will I be able to tell the full story that I want, with all the entertaining and deceptively meaningful tangents that all tie together? No. No way, now. Not yet, anyway, not with this show. In the future, yes, as I definitely want to keep doing this after the Fringe experience, but I won't be able to do it all on the first go.
What I can do, though, is get the story down to its barest essentials. Or hell, maybe tell different versions of the same story each night! No two performances at the Fringe would be the same! What this would do would allow/force me to experiment, night-to-night, to see which stories work and which don't, which lend themselves to the stronger throughline and which don't, and which may be working with an audience on any given night. I've already started seeing the Fringe show more as a way to workshop my stories than an actual, final performance anyway. This could be a real trial by fire for me, forcing me to tighten my stories up and, if need be, think on the fly. I've always craved security in everything I did, and I was feeling rather comfortable in my original format for the show, which was going to be the only format.
Now, if there ever was a safety net, I dare say it's gone now. And y'know what? I'm fucking excited.
I mean, for the past few days, I've been hit with the occasional euphoric feeling that comes when you realize that you're doing exactly what you want to be doing with your life at this time (well, I suppose "exactly" would be making a career out of it, but at least I'm doing it, that's the important thing). But now, that feeling has been spiked with an adrenaline rush that I don't think I've ever felt.
Emotionally, I think I kinda know how Abernathy (Rosario Dawson) felt in DEATH PROOF while Zoe played Ship's Mast; there's deep fear and hesitation at first, but it soon melts and gives way to a giddy thrill never before experienced. GodDAMN, I feel alive! I'm doing what I want with my life, even if I don't yet know exactly how I'm gonna do it, and I feel fucking great!
Soon, the energy will run down and seriousness will set back in again. Soon I will be stressed out over how the hell I'm going to perform complete, meaningful, rich stories in just an hour (give or take audience laughter time). Soon the doubts and the fears and that Ole Devil Self-Censor will come creeping back in again, and I'll need each and every one of you, my friends, to get me through it with your love, support, and constructive criticism.
But I'm never gonna forget the way I feel right now. And if doing THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES means I get to feel this again, I'm never gonna stop doing them. I'm gonna keep working on them and improving them and refining them until I find my audience and my stories just get better and better. It's gonna be a lot of hard work, and it could take many, many years.
Not only can I do this. I can do this.
You see, when I originally proposed to do this show for the Fringe, I had thought to just do "My Grandfather's Last Words," which is just one story that I thought to expand to an hour. But then I realized that I had much richer, stronger, more theatrical and more universal stories than that, and so I changed the nature of my show to my current idea of an hour and a half about Tammy, going naked on stage, emasculating myself in front of a Maryland traffic court judge, and existential pondering on the connotations of being related to (but having no other possible connection with) one of the most powerful and enduring icons of the 20th century and beyond. I have a great story here-- an epic, multi-layered and rich monologue of smaller monologues that has the potential to be as personal as it is universal, just so long as I could somehow get it all in around 90 minutes.
Welp... turns out now I only have 60 minutes.
Yeah. It, uh... it looks like that since I originally applied asking for 60 minutes, that's all I get. Other people need the space, so the schedule is tight and I... just... I gotta do it all, or do something else, in the space of an hour.
...
No, seriously, this... this could be fucking great. I mean, OK, so will I be able to tell the full story that I want, with all the entertaining and deceptively meaningful tangents that all tie together? No. No way, now. Not yet, anyway, not with this show. In the future, yes, as I definitely want to keep doing this after the Fringe experience, but I won't be able to do it all on the first go.
What I can do, though, is get the story down to its barest essentials. Or hell, maybe tell different versions of the same story each night! No two performances at the Fringe would be the same! What this would do would allow/force me to experiment, night-to-night, to see which stories work and which don't, which lend themselves to the stronger throughline and which don't, and which may be working with an audience on any given night. I've already started seeing the Fringe show more as a way to workshop my stories than an actual, final performance anyway. This could be a real trial by fire for me, forcing me to tighten my stories up and, if need be, think on the fly. I've always craved security in everything I did, and I was feeling rather comfortable in my original format for the show, which was going to be the only format.
Now, if there ever was a safety net, I dare say it's gone now. And y'know what? I'm fucking excited.
I mean, for the past few days, I've been hit with the occasional euphoric feeling that comes when you realize that you're doing exactly what you want to be doing with your life at this time (well, I suppose "exactly" would be making a career out of it, but at least I'm doing it, that's the important thing). But now, that feeling has been spiked with an adrenaline rush that I don't think I've ever felt.
Emotionally, I think I kinda know how Abernathy (Rosario Dawson) felt in DEATH PROOF while Zoe played Ship's Mast; there's deep fear and hesitation at first, but it soon melts and gives way to a giddy thrill never before experienced. GodDAMN, I feel alive! I'm doing what I want with my life, even if I don't yet know exactly how I'm gonna do it, and I feel fucking great!
Soon, the energy will run down and seriousness will set back in again. Soon I will be stressed out over how the hell I'm going to perform complete, meaningful, rich stories in just an hour (give or take audience laughter time). Soon the doubts and the fears and that Ole Devil Self-Censor will come creeping back in again, and I'll need each and every one of you, my friends, to get me through it with your love, support, and constructive criticism.
But I'm never gonna forget the way I feel right now. And if doing THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES means I get to feel this again, I'm never gonna stop doing them. I'm gonna keep working on them and improving them and refining them until I find my audience and my stories just get better and better. It's gonna be a lot of hard work, and it could take many, many years.
Not only can I do this. I can do this.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 05:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 05:20 pm (UTC)"Did you just hit a BOAT?!"
no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 05:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 07:50 pm (UTC)You are so cool.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 09:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 08:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 09:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-04 09:27 pm (UTC)Don't skip yer meds.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-05 03:56 am (UTC)Rock on!!!