thehefner | What's a mixture of "yarrr" and "yawwn"?

OK. So take into account that I wasn't a fan of the first PIRATES movie, and that I actually am that weird person who liked the second one better, because it had actual character development! But I resent how a fun bit of summer fluff has become the RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK of this generation. And also bear in mind that yesterday, I was... perhaps not in the most receptive mindset. I visited the hospital. More to follow, maybe. Just bear that in mind. I might be unduly grouchy, so don't let Captain Buzzkill ruin your enjoyment of the film, if you did indeed like it.

But seriously, did anyone else find PIRATES 3 to be absolute twaddle? Did anyone else reach a point where all the overblown-to-the-point-of-boringness action scenes, painful romantic interludes, and hours of expository dialogue for a plot that didn't make a lick of sense (and it didn't need to! My problem is that it devoted so much time to a plot it should have been ignoring in the first place!)... did anyone else reach a certain point where they just didn't give a thrupenny fuck anymore?

If you'll allow me to quote someone else quoting someone else, I think the review in The Onion's A.V. Club put it best: The Marx brothers classic Duck Soup contains a bit that applies nicely to the bellicose Pirates Of The Caribbean trilogy, which reaches its conclusion with the nearly three-hour At World's End. When presented with a treasury report, Groucho's Rufus T. Firefly, the newly appointed President of Freedonia, declares it so simple that even a 4-year-old child could understand it. "Now run out and find me a 4-year-old child," he says. "I can't make head or tail of it."

I mean, the movie's now more interested in trying to create a Tolkienesque mythology (and a lamentably serious one at times!) than just having a fun, kick-ass time. Which would be great, if someone else were writing it. JMS and Joss, perhaps?

As it is, I found myself wishing to god these guys had watched PLANET TERROR in GRINDHOUSE before making this movie. The series' strengths have been not in the mythology, but in the performances of Jack, Barbossa, Norrington, Davy, and, well, just looking at Kiera (but for Grodd's sake, people, why does she have to constantly look combed and showered when EVERY SINGLE OTHER CHARACTER IS FILTHY?!).

And while I am almost never a style over substance kind of guy, I just wanted to scream to the screen, "LESS TALKY, MORE SWASHY!"

Also, much as I love Kiera, every scene with her and Orlando screeched the movie to a halt. Unless their mutual hotness is enough to get you through it (from the comments of some, I'm guessing it was), I wanted to claw my brain out. Also, in her laughable Braveheart speech, she equated "FREEEEDOM" to piracy. Uh, abwuh?

I mean, there were things I liked here,sure. I thought Johnny was better here than he was in DEAD MAN'S CHEST, and the scene in Davy Jones' Locker was kinda Gilliamesque. But really, by and large, few things stand out. I was just rather befuddled by the whole experience, and I don't care about it enough to actually try to figure out what the fuck happened.

(Sidenote, regarding that scene on the island where the three representatives on each side meet and confer: OK, Mr. Film Composer, way to totally fucking rip off Ennio Morricone's legendary electric-guitar-duel theme from ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST; ripping off something from my favorite, yet under-seen, movie does not serve to win my heart to this spectacle any greater)

I also rather liked this line from CHUD.com:

I’m slack-jawed thinking about the fact that the studio which required press to provide the identities of any guests at AWE screenings (to prevent piracy, one assumes) is going to rake in a billion bucks on the back of a story that champions a bunch of people who, as we’ve seen across the series, are rapists, murderers, thieves and generally dishonest scumbags.

My brain needs food. Someone get me the DVD of MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD, stat.

Current Mood: grumpy
Current Location: Big Planet Comics, Georgetown, Washington DC
Current Music: ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST, Ennio Morricone