What's a mixture of "yarrr" and "yawwn"?

[thehefner]

OK. So take into account that I wasn't a fan of the first PIRATES movie, and that I actually am that weird person who liked the second one better, because it had actual character development! But I resent how a fun bit of summer fluff has become the RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK of this generation. And also bear in mind that yesterday, I was... perhaps not in the most receptive mindset. I visited the hospital. More to follow, maybe. Just bear that in mind. I might be unduly grouchy, so don't let Captain Buzzkill ruin your enjoyment of the film, if you did indeed like it.

But seriously, did anyone else find PIRATES 3 to be absolute twaddle? Did anyone else reach a point where all the overblown-to-the-point-of-boringness action scenes, painful romantic interludes, and hours of expository dialogue for a plot that didn't make a lick of sense (and it didn't need to! My problem is that it devoted so much time to a plot it should have been ignoring in the first place!)... did anyone else reach a certain point where they just didn't give a thrupenny fuck anymore?

If you'll allow me to quote someone else quoting someone else, I think the review in The Onion's A.V. Club put it best: The Marx brothers classic Duck Soup contains a bit that applies nicely to the bellicose Pirates Of The Caribbean trilogy, which reaches its conclusion with the nearly three-hour At World's End. When presented with a treasury report, Groucho's Rufus T. Firefly, the newly appointed President of Freedonia, declares it so simple that even a 4-year-old child could understand it. "Now run out and find me a 4-year-old child," he says. "I can't make head or tail of it."

I mean, the movie's now more interested in trying to create a Tolkienesque mythology (and a lamentably serious one at times!) than just having a fun, kick-ass time. Which would be great, if someone else were writing it. JMS and Joss, perhaps?

As it is, I found myself wishing to god these guys had watched PLANET TERROR in GRINDHOUSE before making this movie. The series' strengths have been not in the mythology, but in the performances of Jack, Barbossa, Norrington, Davy, and, well, just looking at Kiera (but for Grodd's sake, people, why does she have to constantly look combed and showered when EVERY SINGLE OTHER CHARACTER IS FILTHY?!).

And while I am almost never a style over substance kind of guy, I just wanted to scream to the screen, "LESS TALKY, MORE SWASHY!"

Also, much as I love Kiera, every scene with her and Orlando screeched the movie to a halt. Unless their mutual hotness is enough to get you through it (from the comments of some, I'm guessing it was), I wanted to claw my brain out. Also, in her laughable Braveheart speech, she equated "FREEEEDOM" to piracy. Uh, abwuh?

I mean, there were things I liked here,sure. I thought Johnny was better here than he was in DEAD MAN'S CHEST, and the scene in Davy Jones' Locker was kinda Gilliamesque. But really, by and large, few things stand out. I was just rather befuddled by the whole experience, and I don't care about it enough to actually try to figure out what the fuck happened.

(Sidenote, regarding that scene on the island where the three representatives on each side meet and confer: OK, Mr. Film Composer, way to totally fucking rip off Ennio Morricone's legendary electric-guitar-duel theme from ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST; ripping off something from my favorite, yet under-seen, movie does not serve to win my heart to this spectacle any greater)

I also rather liked this line from CHUD.com:

I’m slack-jawed thinking about the fact that the studio which required press to provide the identities of any guests at AWE screenings (to prevent piracy, one assumes) is going to rake in a billion bucks on the back of a story that champions a bunch of people who, as we’ve seen across the series, are rapists, murderers, thieves and generally dishonest scumbags.

My brain needs food. Someone get me the DVD of MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD, stat.

Comments

[torberg.livejournal.com]

What's a mixture of "yarrr" and "yawwn"?

Wouldn't that be "yarn?"

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

I never really saw the second film. It was playing on several flights I took this winter, and I think I caught all of it at various times, just not necessarily in order. Since the film was (I hear) not all that coherent in the first place, this is NOT the best preparation for movie 3.

I really need to lay my hands on a copy of MASTER AND COMMANDER with the commentary tracks. I ran out and bought it one Christmas Eve because I was dying to see it and I was about to spend a day by myself, but all of the local stores only had the "just the movie" version.

It's even better if you've read the books. The books are a major slog; I've only read them because there are excellent readings at the local library for when I run. But O'Brien has just a wonderful writing style; the books are languorous and deeply textured, with both high action and stories playing out over the course of years (and novels).

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well, like I said, I was the only one who liked Part 2, so perhaps my being (so far, among my friends... but not the critics) the only person who really didn't care for Part 3 is some kinda of karma, I dunno.

Yeah, that super special M&C is absolutely a must for me too, even if it is expensive. One of these days.

Actually, I should read the books. I mean, my reading stack is sky-high anyway, but I should throw those on there as well.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Now that we have established I'm not talking about crocheting, that shall work nicely.

[findingjuliet.livejournal.com]

I couldn't get through the first one. I've thought they were pretty terrible from the get go ... but then again, maybe I just don't get the whole pirate craze ... dunno.

[torberg.livejournal.com]

...I'm not talking about crocheting...

Or spinning tall tales.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I think without Johnny Depp, no one would have given a damn about the first one. The success of that film rides solely on his presence and skill as an actor, which opened up a whole new world of costume play to this generation. And I need more than hot actors and occasionally great dialogue to get me into a film.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

*rimshot* Nyar-har-har-har-har!

[kali921.livejournal.com]

I'm totally stealing that icon.

Totally.

[themadhatter26.livejournal.com]

So up until last night I was pretty excited to see Pirates of the Carribean, but now my mantra has become "FUCK PIRATES!" Why you ask? I went to see 28 Weeks Later, however the theater had pre-empted the showing I wanted to see so they could squeeze in another viewing of Pirates. So Fuck Pirates and Fuck Regal Cinemas. Zombies > Pirates.

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

Dude, I couldn't sit through Master and Commander. It was boring or something, I donno.

I wasn't really planing on watching PotC3 either, unless Norrington and Sparrow sail off into the sunset together... Do they?

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Good morning, hon, have a virtual BEAR HUG from me.

Now, given this entry, I assume you've watched ALL of the incomparably awesome series SHARPE'S RIFLES? Which features swashbuckling adventure on the high seas like nothing else in existence, plus incredible acting and characterization and ALSO the Napoleonic wars?

[kali921.livejournal.com]

BLASPHEMY! Master & Commander had HOTNESS!

[jellied.livejournal.com]

I'm seeing it once it hits our local dollar theater. I'm still pissed about the second, I walked in not knowing it was part of trilogy. And forgot that I was surrounded by families and their very small children-- I kind of caused a scene by yelling "What the fuck was that?!" as the credits ran.

Because seriously, you DO NOT stop a movie just as it hits its climax. That's how the Matrix movies burned me. Just argh!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Aye! Hotness and... and it was just great! Slow, yes, but meaty and awesome!

And sadly, no. Wow, I might have liked it a lot more had that happened! Norrington is, to me, the most interesting part of the whole damn trilogy, honestly.

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

But I thought they weren't zombies? There's no reanimation of the dead, and as far as I could tell it's just a pandemic of "Rage" with canibalism. Granted, I haven't seen Weeks, so I could be wrong...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yes, but by most accounts, 28 WEEKS LATER is kinda lame. Col. Ives or no Col. Ives.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

No! I know, I must! Sean Bean is utter awesomeness, and I know a certain Sophist on my f-list who would be thoroughly delighted if I gave it a viewing.

And hey, didja read my Rocky post??

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

Dude, I was like, totally in love with Russell Crow and I still couldn't sit through it. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I usually have more patience with movies.

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

I don't know... I read this book about it in junior high and got all excited because I heard they were making a movie about it with Russell Crow, and then I didn't see it. Was the stowaway guy in it? I remember seeing a picture of him IRL in the book and they guy was Of The Hot. Seriously, the guy was fine, I would have upgraded him on the spot to cabin boy but I guess they made him "cook".

Norrington was my fave, by far. I guess I'll wait till it comes on on video.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

On top of that, it was pointed out by another reviewer, it seemed kinda clear that the film got underway without even having a finished script. Like, in part 2, was there any indication about Calypso's identity and being bound and all that? It seemed to all of a sudden come outta left field in Part 3, as if they went, "Hey, what if we made this character...?"

I'm not spoiling anything about Part 3; the subject is brought up right before the identity is revealed.

Yeah, but how do you feel about KILL BILL? At least that had the excuse of actually being one movie that was split in two, but still, I know I went "ARGH!" at the end of Part 1.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

But... but there was quietly manly camaraderie! Cellos! Slow, methodical chase scenes! Weevils!

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

Oh my God. I can not believe it. All these years I've been under the impression Master and Commander was about the Shackleton expedition to the South Pole. And then, it's not. MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE, HEF, A LIE!

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

Damnit, now I'm gonna have to dig it out of my mom's DVDs.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Uh... yeah, it ain't. Does that... change things...?

And is this anything like when my friend went to go see ENIGMA, thinking he was seeing A BEAUTIFUL MIND, and thus being very confused the whole time? Or was it the other way around?

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

Well, it means I want to see a movie about the Shackleton expedition to the South Pole, but aside from that I'm thinking of giving Master and Commander another shot.

I think it's very similar.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

I liked the second one. I can't remember if I liked it better than the first one, but it amused me.
I'm going to see it tonight. I'm really pretty "style over substance" (in the Oscar Wilde sense, not the Paris Hilton sense. That's not style, my dear), so this is not encouraging. In that vein, "LESS TALKY, MORE SWASHY!" should be the new Golden Rule.
So what you're saying is that any pot I was gonna consume tonight should be downed before the fact?

[themadhatter26.livejournal.com]

They're mindless cannibals, which is close enough to zombies for me.

[themadhatter26.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I had really gotten into the mood for some blood and gore. Also, bear in mind you're talking to the guy who watches terrible, gorey sci-fi movies for FUN, as evidenced by m marathon viewing of "Dino-Croc," "Crocodile," and "Crocodile 2: Death Roll."

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Indeed. "LESS TALKY, MORE SWASHY" should indeed be the new Golden Rule! And I speak as a long-winded bastard myself.

Y'know, I dare say that might help. Although I dunno, even if I were stoned, I would imagine I'd still be thinking (as I'm always always thinking, my brain never turning off), "Well now, this doesn't make a lick of sense!"

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

...

I think you're what I marched against back in college.

[kwsapphire.livejournal.com]

I didn't like the second one much, so I think I'm going to leave both Pirates3 and Spidey3 to pay-per-view-ness.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I dare say that's a grand idea.

boing

[wondermojz.livejournal.com]

It seems that order for sequels to be any good the original has to be absolutely spectacular (ie Terminator) and the original writer has to have had a longer plot in mind from the beginning (ie Star Wars). I mean, I like to watch the Deppster queering it up as much as the next goth chick, but 3 movies worth? What was the public really expecting?

(PS: Is Keira topless in any of those gooey scenes? Or better yet, do I get to see Orlando's naked butt? 'Cause if not, I'm DEFINITELY not going...)

Re: boing

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Topless? I wish. I mean, she HAS no boobs to speak of, but still. But sadly, no, nor no Orlando butt. It's PG-13... but certainly it's the most violent PG-13 movie I've ever seen, so what's that say about today's rating system? Nudity would have marginally improved the experience, indeed.

[whimmydiddle.livejournal.com]

But seriously, did anyone else find PIRATES 3 to be absolute twaddle?

FWIW, I found the second movie to be absolute twaddle & don't know if I'll find the time to see this one in the theatre. I will say, though, that I've seen of the costumes looks like great fun, if a royal pain in the butt to wear!

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

Did the madman lost his dang mind in the west?

/your music line
//she amuses me
///perhaps not the way you'd intended

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

???

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

I spent the summer of 1999 using this song to get me out of bed in the mornings.

/man, now I want to see that movie
//even though I've heard the song is the only good that came of it

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Egads, no! NO! Don't do it! You have a wonderful brain! I don't want it melted by legless Branagh, wasted Kline, and giant robot spiders!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

The costumes are indeed fun. But yeah, if switching crazy action with long exposition and an attempt to weave a big mythology out of a popcorn flick doesn't sound good, then yes, twaddle.