Beach Booze Bonanza!

[thehefner]

Ever since a few days ago, when I told Mom and Edd that I'd get Dad's house when he dies (which could likely snag me around $700,000), they've been obsessed with the idea of me buying a beach house in Rehoboth. They think it'd be a really solid investment, not to mention extra income if I rented it out in the summer. Plus, it could be an excellent writer's retreat (which I really, really need) as well as a swingin' bachelor pad ("hey baby, take off your panties, sidle on up next to me, and let's watch RAVENOUS, oh yeah."). Also, a house on stilts is your best defense against zombies. So they've been on-line constantly lately, looking up potential houses, just to familiarize themselves with prices and whatnot.

"Also," Mom added, "We can use the rest of the money to get you a hair transplant!"

... My mother: the only person more insecure about my balding than I am.




In other news, I'm starting to notice the effects different forms of alcohol have on me. It really is amazing; theoretically, you'd think booze would be booze. As many of you already well know, not so. And with my brother in town, wanting me to mix him up drinks, my experiments have continued anew.

Red wine, I've learned, makes me happy. I get kinda giddy with red wine, and would drink more, except it's so intimidating. So many different kinds, all going unappreciated on my ignorant tongue, and I have to utterly fight not to drop in an ice cube or two, because DAMN IT, COLD MAKES THINGS TASTE BETTER. But I'm trying to learn, give me credit. I've never once had a wine that complimented a meal before, and would very much like to try.

Gin, on the other hand, is bad news, people. I'm coming to realize that gin is evil and should be avoided. Now look, ever since I discovered Bombay Sapphire, I fell in love with the taste, and no gin-based drink I've made so far even comes close to the elegant excellence that is an ice-cold martini, six parts gin (Bombay Sapphire, no less) to one (or less) parts dry vermouth.

But ohh, what a price to pay. There's a cruel deceptiveness about gin in the way it sneaks up on you, and by the time you realize how hard you've been hit, it's too late. And let me tell you-- gin-drunk is weird. The buzz is very different than wine, vodka, whiskey, or beer. More than any other kind of booze, gin is dangerous because it makes me stupid. Like, dangerous stupid. I'm talking "playing ship's-mast while trying to call an ex-girlfriend" stupid. Edd agrees, saying that most of the times people have given him stories of him acting foolish when he's drunk, more often than not, it's because he'd been drinking gin.

Martinis are a sometimes food, and even then, must only be consumed under the safest of circumstances, with trusted friends. Much, as I understand, it should be when one does acid. Manhattans, on the other hand, are still fantastic... when I can actually make a good one, once out of every six attempts. But especially in my current state, with all that's going on, gin is bad news.

I dunno. I could just really use the company of a cute girl right about now, to rest my head on her bosoms as we watch JUSTICE LEAGUE DVDs. Also, sex would be nice. But the first part is essential.

Comments

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

Yes, different alcohol does different things to me as well. And yes, it's mostly the "red wine" and "everything else" categories.

More than 1 glass of red wine (without food, more than 2 with food) and I get snuggly. Very very snuggly. Sorta freaky. In a good way as long as I stay below a bottle.

White white gave me an Irish accent a couple months ago. Very very amusing. Wine definitely animates me, but in a different way than rum

And I have no bosom and I'm not much for Justice League (comics, right?) so I'm afraid I can't help you with the last.

I've only had 2 gin & tonics and the second one got kicked over because I thought I left it in a safe place and the woman tripping over the deck thought it would be a good place to not look where she was going. But I totally blame her. :)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Snuggly is also a good word for it, aye. I would agree.

Then a woman's lap shall make a very, very close second place for my comfort! But no, I mean the JL DVDs of the animated series, which has been like TV comfort food for me of late. That show was to me what LOST, BUFFY, and HEROES is to others, if you know what I mean, and I say that with no exaggeration.

Also, you did get the part where I mentioned that sex would be good too, right? Maybe just a make-out? No? Well, just thought I'd check.

Gin and tonics... well, as if it weren't bad enough that that's my father's drink of choice, they never did anything for me anyway. I still find tonic water to be bleahh.

On the topic of foreign accents and booze

[metalcrowe.livejournal.com]

I've been known to develop a Scottish accent while drinking port.

Gin is the devil.

[slaversbane.livejournal.com]

I like me the brown liquors meself they tend to be friendlier to me the next day, and the rums which are never friendly but I love them anyway

I prefer a dry wine like chianti or burgundy for dinner(MACARONI AND GRAVY BABY!)and a sweet fortified like cream sherry, white porto or amontillado for dessert (LIKE A CREAM PIE OR MOUSSE).

I would suggest brandy(not wine) or dry sherry or a white reisling with your bangers and mash.

I have pairings for a bunch of stuff, got anything particular?


Gin is the devil. But I have sympathy.

Re: Gin is the devil.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Aye, I am quite a fan of Jack Daniels on the rocks, myself. I love Captain Morgan and other dark rums, but only when mixed with a coke or some other drink. My brother invented (well, someone else probably did, but he thought of it) Malibu and cranberry juice, which is damn yummy, let me say. I also once made a rum martini, which just replaces the gin with white rum. Surprisingly good, I must say, but as I don't like olives, I'm constantly struggling to find a garnish that is better suited to my tastes.

Brandy and scotch are two of the only major items missing from my liquor cabinet. Like tequila, I don't think scotch should be had unless it's high-end, and I'm just not that wealthy.

Now, my bangers are chicken and apple sausages. Will that chance matters, much? Plus, the mash is very garlic-y and cheesy.

Re: Gin is the devil.

[slaversbane.livejournal.com]

I wrote a big thing about scotch 20-30 glen livet 12 year) and rum (all kinds are fabu) and tequila(is gin's demon prince in hell) and the fact the icy cold reisling (german white) wine will be the bestest with the bangers and mash. but lj ate it.

SO you get the short short version above.

[lonebear.livejournal.com]

that is a challenge i will take you up on. probably on the 4th, to taste with beef, chicken and maybe fish from the grill.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Sounds faboo!

My Randomly Assorted Drink Notes

[jcsbimp.livejournal.com]

Rum's a good party drink for me. And it needn't be anything but on the rocks. Ask various Rudes who might know about my behavior at slaversbane's Halloween party a few years back. But enough of that... One good beer or red wine with just about any dinner helps make it special. The rarity with which I imbibe lately has been noted with amusement by siloseven, among others. "You brought this huge liquor cabinet with you, and you never touch it!" Dry gin martinis like you describe are wonderful, especially with Bombay Sapph, like you said. I've never gotten very gin-drunk, or even anything past gin-buzzed. No. Wait. I'm lying. There was the party at Hopi's, where she mixed us up Roosevelt martinis, and I mixed Green Fairies with Pernod and Blue Curacao. We were passing around a hand-crank film viewer with some sort of gynecological subject matter loaded therein. I had to make sure I checked for the viewer the following morning to make sure I hadn't hallucinated it. Yeah, I missed some of the better drunken orgies at the Dudas, but overall, good times, and nice ways to chart the different alcoholic effects.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

No, cold makes things taste _less_. It dulls the taste buds and prevents to volatiles from reaching your nose. Especially for sweet things, but the other flavors as well.

That's why mushy ice cream tastes sweeter.

SUTHERLAND SAYS...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Beer.

That's all I have to say.

It's the one thing we Yanks understand better than our overseas bretheren. Beer must be cold. There is no way but this, Sir Andrew. The colder the better.

Sweet things, yes, fine, you have a point. But beer and most liquors? The colder the better.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

I don't do wine. It's left me pantless on more than one occasion. In public.

I'll stick with vodka and PBR personally.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hehehehe. Pantless.

Just one pant, then? Or just... uh... not out of breath?

As one who loves to mix drinks, I'm very fond of vodka, but I don't believe I've ever had it straight. Not sure what the point would be (other than to get drunk).

That reminds me, I really do need a Dennis Hopper icon from BLUE VELVET: "Heineken?! FUCK THAT SHIT! PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!"

[jellied.livejournal.com]

As in (and this is only one example) I was walking around a friend's dorm completely sans pants. To further prove the point of how exactly a classy broad I am. It was boxed wine. I think I killed it entirely by myself if memory serves.

I drink it neat or with tonic water.

I have and will drink anything given the opportunity. Except for wine. Sidenote: tequila brings out my mean left hook.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

i like wine.. and i know WHAT i like with wine.

while its nice to be a true connoissuer (sp?), i am NOT one.

dont sweat the intimidation factor. figure out what you like.

for instance.. i discovered that i like Yellow Tail a lot. then i noticed that a lot of the wine brands i liked are Australian, like Yellow Tail is. from this i deduced that, for whatever reason, i am partial to Australian wines.

so just have fun with it. take recommendations from people, and when you like the wine they suggest, take note of the brand and where its from. try others from that region and see if it takes!

you can do much the same with types of wine. i love Cabernet for red, and Pinot Grigio for white.

go to a Trader Joe's in Virginia (i'll be happy to go on this trip with you), and get different types of 2-buck Chuck wine. its actually about $3-4, but its a much loved brand of inexpensive wine.. you could try all of their varieties and get a decent idea of your preferences.

its fun.

also.. we need to start having fun with rum soon. i've been digging rum ever since my honeymoon.

2 words.. mojitos, baby!

i'm still on the lookout for the best maragritas in town so i can get you to try a proper one for your education.

[jcsbimp.livejournal.com]

There was an old Monty Python skit that, to my knowledge, only appeared on one of their albums, in which Eric Idle, sporting a nice Aussie accent, defended the much-maligned Australian table wine. He then proceeded to name a representative sample, and these were definitely satiric in nature: Melbourne Auburn-Yellow, Perth Pink, and one I can't remember that "isn't for drinking; this is a wine for laying down and avoiding."

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

i love Monty Python, but i cant agree with them on this one. i love Australian wines.

[jcsbimp.livejournal.com]

So do I! Shiraz is the greatest. And since when have the Pythons ever lampooned something because it deserved it? ;-)

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

good point.

In the idiom:

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

Mead = Omega Level Threat.
Fo real, kid.

Re: In the idiom:

[themadhatter26.livejournal.com]

Blech. I can't stand that stuff, tastes like bee vomit. I never really thought of it as that dangerous, though.

[themadhatter26.livejournal.com]

Get the house on stilts. I....I mean we can use it to survive the zombie apocalypse. Also, if you'd like I can have Vangie give you some tips on wine selection as she's pretty good at it.

Also check this out: www.urbandead.com

Practically this ENTIRE ENTRY is for you.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Practically this ENTIRE ENTRY is for you. (http://kali921.livejournal.com/129803.html) Come take a bow and revel!

Re: Practically this ENTIRE ENTRY is for you.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Done and done.

Say, let me know when you get a chance to read the new Harvey Dent stuff I sent you. I'm especially interested in your take on how Gilda develops. Because one day, we're gonna have to sit down and talk about her as a character. I have to stress again that (perhaps even more than Harvey?) she's the most complex damn person in the entire story.

[gore-whore-5.livejournal.com]

I don't really like wine too much. There are only two types I've had that I actually liked- the raspberry wine at Ren Fest and a Sangria that my friend bought. Rum is really my drink of choice. Captain Morgan's spiced rum and Dr. Pepper go wonderfully together.

Pretty much any alcohol makes me fuzzy, but I think we all know what Jameson's Irish whiskey does to me. But damn if it isn't tasty, though.

[gnort.livejournal.com]

Red is better then white wine. I had white once and it wasn't all that great. However I do have to say I agree with George Costanza in saying that Pepsi's better. I agree with you on the whole cold drink thing. I much prefer apple cider cold even in winter and would rather just have chocolate milk as opposed to hot chocolate.

About the house...

[spirit-o-fire.livejournal.com]

Hey man, some folks that deal with grief say not to do any thing hasty or drastic when dealing with the dealing of a loved one passing. Is there any likelyhood that you might miss your father's house if you were to sell it?

I'm not saying not to sell it if you inherit it, it would be your place to do with what you wish. I just wanted to give you something to think about.

Lea and I really hope that you are doing OK.

Re: About the house...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Is there any likelyhood that you might miss your father's house if you were to sell it?

With respect, dude... are you bloody kidding me? Maybe it's just that I never really told you much of what the hell happened inside that house for all my life... heck, I haven't really told anyone, unsolicited... but hell fucking no, I won't miss it.

Also, it's way too small and claustrophobic for my tastes anyway.

Re: Ahhh!

[spirit-o-fire.livejournal.com]

No, I don't know anything about your experiences at that house. I don't actually know who raised you. I think it was your mom, right?

I don't know anything about the house other then it is probably a sad mess from the way that it was not taken care of. If your are in no way going to miss it then do what is best for you bro. Good luck.

BTW, I didn't know if you tried out for Coriolanus or were even interested, but Alan is still needing some folks and I think your would be a great Menenius in his show. The guy is supposed to be witty, smart, good with words and very likable, just like you.

Re: Ahhh!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thankee for the good luck wishes.

And dude... I just played Faustus. And I'm writing and performing The Hefner Monologues. I think I'm a bit booked! Alan's one of my best friends in the world... but dude. No.

[erzebetbathory.livejournal.com]

john, if you want to know about wine, i should teach you about wine. like seriously. (dang it, sometimes i catch myself seeming so snobby >.< ) also, gin is bad news. yes. i could have told you that. and it has that unique taste, which i probably needn't remind you, makes it especially tie-able to memories. and since gin is bad news, well let's just say they're usually things you don't want to remember, either because they're really good or really bad or, a combination of the two.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You very much should. Last night, I almost pulled a Bob Day and had an entire bottle of merlot. It was only because I had a mighty huge home-made meal of burgers and fries.

Yes. I'm learning first-hand, gin is bad, bad, bad news. Whereas tequila, which is bad bad bad bad BAD news for everyone else, is made of win and awesome with me. (and remember, only EXPENSIVE stuff, not Jose Cuervo Gold, yuck!) So go figure.

did you know...

[erzebetbathory.livejournal.com]

that environmentalists believe that tequila will be extinct before too long? because crop farmers (especially in mexico) are slash and burning their crops of tequila plants to make room for growing corn to export to the US.

Re: did you know...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

NOOOOoooooOOOOOooooOOOOOO!!!!!

Must horde! HORDE! Make room for a tequila cellar! Throw the pizzas out of the freezer!