Hefner's Quandary

[thehefner]

Why are the cute ones always taken, long-distance, totally bugfuck crazy batshit insane, lesbian, underage, imaginary, men, and/or dead?

Comments

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

Because, :P
Also, HMPH!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hmph?

Harrumph!

[treyhawk.livejournal.com]

Bub, you ain't the only one...
I have that quandary a helluva longer than you...

At least you have dated in the last four years...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Aye, I figured there were more things I could add, but I was afraid I'd belabor the point or go overboard. Probably not, as the case likely is.

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

Sorry, homie.
I was born a guy.
The other stuff came later.
Well, except for the long-distance thing; that's just how I roll, though.
ELM CITY REPRESENT! 203 in the heezy fo sheezy, my Heffeezie!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You frighten and confuse me. In the best way possible.

Thanks!

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

We do what we can, given our humble background and cosmic destiny.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Don't forget "fictional"!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

That's what I think I was going for with "imaginary," but perhaps there is indeed an important distinction.

Oh Shego... sigh...

[bimmin.livejournal.com]

Isn't it one of those theoretical/philosophical quandries? I mean, what if Cats were to settle down and be happy? Would Cats still be Cats? And if Cats did not change but rather was mirrored by a perfect partner...could the world support 2 Cats, or a condition of MetaCat? :P

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Then I would likely live a totally happy and wonderful life while contributing absolutely nothing to society nor art and die peacefully at a ripe old age.

It'd be just like being in the Matrix, I tells ya! *shudder*

I don't need to find another me, per se. I need someone who is *complimentary* and eccentric (without being bugfuck crazy, and boy oh boy, is that a thin line to walk, but I KNOW they exist!). In any relationship I'm in, and not to sound like a crazy trainwreck myself... the other person HAS to be more stable than I am, otherwise madness and drama ensues. As long as the other person is reasonably less neurotic and more practical than I am, I'm just fine. Otherwise, the world would surely go the way of Krypton if I were to meet a fully female me.

I will say that I *did* meet my equal in terms of manic crazed energy (not that I'm like that all the time... heavens no, really, I'm not... but I'm quite memorable when I am), and I could barely keep up with her. I tell you, I so desperately want a one night stand with her, just to see if the universe wouldn't crack, and if I could survive.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

Yeah you too?

This is super creepy, but I keep all of my crushes under "favorites" in Myspace. It's like an exotic butterfly collection, but like you know girl pants-- that I check up on every so often.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You're having this problem as well? Just, like, the girl-version?

I tells ya, someone needs to invent a good version of THE FLY's telepods. Ah well. A freaky beatnik road trip will have to suffice.

Which totally puts me in mind: I'd actually like to meet you someday, if I can make it a stop over on my road trip. Just something to keep in mind for the future.

That actually isn't all that creepy (in the grand scope of creepy things related to MySpace) until you descibed it that way, at which point it became delightfully creepy.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

RE: "Like the girl-version?"

Sweetie, I date both kinds. Or rather, I should say "not date". Last person who asked me out was the gas station attendant. Homeboy was not selling what I wanted.

I can do that. When are you thinking about hitting the road?

Delightfully creepy? That's me.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

See, that's what I get for not paying close enough attention. I earn the "Sweetie..." response.

Well, at this present moment (subject to change) I'm starting to think about quitting my job by New Year's, and then hitting the road, while making my priority to perform THE HEFNER MONOLOGUES wherever I can. Of course, if I do, in fact, hit the road in January, I should probably do a Southern routes first, to avoid ass-cold weather. So when I might get to Colorado (and you ARE still in there somewhere, aren't you? Or is that another case of me not paying close enough attention? Not another "sweetie...", I beg you!), well, I couldn't really say as of yet.

Is there a Fringe festival 'round there? I think there's one in Boulder, but I'll need to look it up.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

That's fine. I really don't talk about me and the "fairer sex" that much--

It really depends on whether or not I get my degree in December. And who hires me.

You're gonna have to look that one up by yourself. I broke up with Bouder; we're not on speaking terms at the moment.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll keep you posted, then.

But yeah, there is indeed one in Boulder, and I would be remiss in avoiding it, so I shall shoot for there. But I could still mayhaps make my way through to you, should all things work out.

[whimmydiddle.livejournal.com]

So stop looking for cute. As criteria go, it's not a very important one. Look for someone who shares your interests & likes to cook.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Cute, for me, is a very wide criteria. I don't even mean physically attractive, necessarily. I'm just using it as a general term (and playing off an already-established line of "Why are all the cute ones dumb?") to describe people to whom I am attracted, period.

Adjust parameters:

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

Go for "wealthy and not heavily armed/sedated."

Re: Adjust parameters:

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well, I am an aspiring performer, actor, and writer. Clearly, I'm going to need to find someone with a real job. I think that's what my boss at the comic store has done with his girl. Of course, they're the living equivalent of Dr. Cox and Jordan, but really, I'm not sure what one has to do with the other.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

Honestly, physical attraction is important. There is nothing shallow about wanting to have sex with the person you are going to be having sex with.

[skalja.livejournal.com]

See, that's exactly why I haven't been bothering to look, lately.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

And I've been told it's when you stop looking that the good ones show up.

If I can actually ever truly stop looking, even involuntarily, and if only then does that happen... well, it certainly sounds in keeping with the Hefnerian tradition.

[deliapuppeh.livejournal.com]

Then don't go for cute and go for bombshell, there are a lot of those wandering the streets. Tell them you're a director, get 'em in bed, and never call them again. xD I know, it's shallow and mean, but I'd do it if I were a dude.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Need I remind you of the scenario that would nevertheless unfold?

One line: "Hey sexy mama... when I'm finished rocking your world, wanna watch RAVENOUS? ... hey, come back, I said after didn't I?!"

[gore-whore-5.livejournal.com]

If you go for goth girls, they'd love to watch Ravenous after sex. But then again, goth girls are usually either flaky, crazy, or a combination of both.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

And that's very much why goth girls are like walking venus fly traps to me.

[irish-caffeine.livejournal.com]

They're not. Those are all reasons for why they AREN'T on the GOOD list. Trust me, it's all about hanging on and not losing hope.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hey man, the essence of Hefner is hopeful pessimism.

I see the glass as half empty. But someday, it WILL be full!

[covenhouse-cat.livejournal.com]

I can completely relate.

You left out the "not interested in me" ones, though.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Very true. Oy.