Small Party, Accidental Voyeurism, and "Norman Bates Bangs Your Mom"

[thehefner]

Soooo it looks like several people will be out of town for my Halloween Party this Saturday. I suppose this is what I get for only announcing it 1.) a month and a half ago, and 2.) two days ago.

Okay, small and intimate it'll be. That's fine. Just means less snacks and booze I need to buy. It's just as well, as I'm starting to fear that I can't wear the Two-Face makeup for long without it starting to drip blood over my new pinstripe suit. Stupid sweat.



So some of you may recall our female tenant having very loud sex in our thin-walled house. We hadn't heard much of her in the past few months. Heck, we hardly see her as it is; she leaves early in the morning and doesn't return until around 1 AM.

But last night, she was at it again. Boy oh boy, was she ever. She must have a new boyfriend, because the last guy was strictly a Six Minute Man. Best as I could figure over the hour, they went at least three times. And she was louder than ever.

And y'know, I'm no voyeur. I don't get off on listening or watching people have sex live in front of me no more than I like watching people enjoy a sumptuous banquet. But more than ever last night, you couldn't not hear this woman. It really got to the point of morbid fascination. Partially because she really doesn't seem to know we can all hear her.

Her mother moved in for a month a while back, and bragged to the mother (which the mother, in turned, bragged to my mother), "Yeah, Mr. ________ has been coming over late at night when I get home from work. He's been helping me out, as I've been so sick..." which is true, he has been because she's been sick as a dog, "Roberta probably thinks I'm sleeping with him, ha ha ha!"

Honey, either you're covering your ass for your Mom, or you think we're downright idiots. I mean, last night, it was the full ensemble.

"eeh, eeh, EEh..." (pause.) "... aaahUGHAHHH! Oh God! Oh my God!"

*creak creak creak creak creak*

*bedpost slamming into wall over and over*

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Augh! Augh! Auuuughh!"

Man: Shhhh!

"OH MY GODDDDD! AUUUGHHAH! AH! AH! AH! AH!"

Man: Shhhh! Shhhh!

*Mom and I, looking at each other with wide-eyed astonishment*

... I just don't know what to do with this girl. She's not bothering us, exactly. But there's no way to tell her (aside from my original plan), and I'd love to make a monologue about all this, but I don't know how to do it without humiliating her.



Watched fifteen minutes of the PSYCHO remake. While it's pointless to harp on such a universally despised bad idea, I have to ask: who the hell thought it was a good idea to cast Vince fucking Vaughn as Norman Bates? The guy's not a pube on Tony Perkins' nutsack. Let's compare the two...

Perkins: nervous, shifty, scared, creepy but not in a way that anyone had ever been creepy before. You know why? Because he invented that kind of character! On top of that, he also seemed in some ways genuinely innocent and kind of a nice guy with serious issues. In other words, a complex and wholly unique character.

Vaughn: Buff slimy-charming frat boy who looks like a stereotypically creepy rapist from the very fucking second you see him.

I don't want to be thinking, "Hey there, and welcome to my new show, 'Vince Vaughn Bangs Your Mom,'" especially not when he's supposed to be Norman Bates. *shudder*

*wags cigar* I've hoid of 'dry-humping', but this is ree-dick-er-ous! *rimshot* Hot-ta-cha-cha-cha! Thank you, I'll be here till Thursday, fuck you, Gus Van Sant.



I made a Caramel Apple shot. It's equal parts butterscotch schnapps and Pucker Sour Apple schnapps. I think my teeth are still melting.

Comments

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

Watched fifteen minutes of the PSYCHO remake. While it's pointless to harp on such a universally despised bad idea, I have to ask: who the hell thought it was a good idea to cast Vince fucking Vaughn as Norman Bates?

Ugh. I sat through it during my first year of law school, when I was trying to watch all of Viggo's movies. (I've since stopped trying to do that...there are some that were a v. bad idea. Not his fault, but bad ideas nonetheless.) I feel the same way about movie remakes as I do about covers of songs. I think we may have discussed that before. If you're going to do one, there has to be something different and yours about it. Otherwise, it's just an impression and will leave me cold. So redoing a classic film shot for shot just because you can is nothing but a party trick. Not to mention insulting to Hitchcock and his cast. *shakes head* Gus Van Sant, you are not that cool.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Did you see LEATHERFACE: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3? I've heard it's not a bad film, and Viggo is in it. Bear in mind, I consider the original TCSM to be a serious work of cinematic art, and the second to be thoroughly entertaining over-the-top Grand Guignol popcorn fare.

And I hate hate hate hate hate the remake, which was playing at the same time as the PSYCHO remake on TV. Ugh! I will say, the TCSM remake did try to be different than the original, yes. But the thing was, the original was a unique work of art, while the remake was a cliched and lame modern horror film. So yes, it was different from the original because it was the same as everything else! Oy.

Sorry to tangent, but I think I at least half managed to keep true to the intent of your reply. :)

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

*laughs* If you can't tangent in the comments to your own journal....

No, I've never actually seen any of the TCSM films. Scary things like that aren't really my cup of tea. I've gotten braver over the years, so maybe someday.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

The original is not a cup of tea for most people. It's not a slasher film, nor is it gory, nor are there really any (cheap and lazy) "BOO!" scares except for one (very effective example). It's horror is purely in atmosphere, tension, and... well, just plain horror at the ordeal. The scariest part of the film is just a guy angrily swining a chainsaw in the morning sunrise. Not at anyone, just alone in fury and frustration.

It's funny reading the reviews for it, many of which echo Ebert's thoughts: "The movie is some kind of weird, off-the-wall achievement. I can't imagine why anyone would want to make a movie like this, and yet it's well-made, well-acted, and all too effective."

With no irony, I consider it a landmark 70's cinema masterpiece right alongside TAXI DRIVER and THE GODFATHER.

But there are very, very few people I'd tell to watch it. You're... not one of them. :) But! If you do decide to check it out, let me know what you think.

If you can find it on VHS, do so. It actually benefits from being grainy!

And then you can get to the mixed-reviewed part 3 with Viggo! (which probably isn't actually scary at all, I'm willing to bet. It's likely just silly)

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

I believe it's in my netflix queue somewhere.. the third, that is.

I've seen all the others, including the terrible 4th one starring Matthew Mconaghy (sp?) and Renee Zellwegererer.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

Yup. It's in my queue.

Aaaaaan you know what else? I just checked and apparently I have Escape From New York waiting for me at home!

Sweet.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You'll have to let me know how Part 3 is!

Ugh! Part four! Let us never speak of it again. That was actually the first part I'd watched! I'm amazed I love the original as much as I do. God, I hated that movie.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it was pretty awful.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

According to John Birmingham's philosophical treatise on the hazards of room-renting, "He Died with a Felafel in His Hand", the only thing for it in this situation is "some heavy duty, gargoyle-style voyeurism".
Yeah, he seems pretty much stumped too. Funny book, though.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I still should refer back to my list in the original entry I wrote regarding this situation. That seems to be the best of plans.

I am still sadly lacking the girl for the hot nasty loud sex part.

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

I made a Caramel Apple shot. It's equal parts butterscotch schnapps and Pucker Sour Apple schnapps. I think my teeth are still melting.

God, that sounds delicious. *makes note*

As for your noisy tenant, you ever think maybe she's into the idea that she can be heard? I mean, seriously, who shouts "Oh my God!" during sex? If it's that killer that you just have to scream, you'd think making intelligible sounds would be difficult. In any case, I suggest that if you can't find an available lady with which to "get even", you should totally get some hardcore threesome porn and turn it up as loud as possible when your tenant's in.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It's candy. Super-sweet pure syrup. Like a liquified Jolly Rancher. If that's your thing, go for it. I'd never call it classy. Really, I think the Pucker schnapps is the very epitome of tacky liqueurs. There's got to be a classier way to have an appletini.

Well, in fairness, I think he only said "Oh God" twice. I just didn't quite know how to write out all those sounds in LJ form. Maybe I should have tried, as that could well have been more entertaining.

But come now, porn? You're not the first person to suggest that, but if I can't have actual sex of my OWN, what's the point?

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

Haha, classy. You're talking to someone who's intimately familiar with The Beast; I know not of this "class" you speak of.

The point is that you'll probably end up banging on the ceiling with broom, shouting at her to "keep it down already, Jesus Christ!"

[heleneotroy.livejournal.com]

scarydavedc and I will try to be there together, although if he's working late I may be there alone.
If she has sex during your party, can we mess with her mind? Pretty please?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Okeedoke! Hit me up by e-mail or phone if you need my address!

I imagine I'll be drunk enough to think messing with her mind would be a good idea, so yeah, probably!

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Re: noisy tenant.

Write her a polite letter already, referencing dates and times and request that the noise level of the "recreational physical intimacy" be curbed.

It's not humiliating someone to let them know that they're disrupting other neighbors. And if she is embarrassed? She'll eventually get over it.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Maybe, I dunno. Bear in mind, we're not disturbed. Not really. Mom's even entertained! If she really were bugging us, I'd feel more inclined to embarass her with a frank but polite letter. But as it is...