Luis the Busboy

[thehefner]

So someone at the Irish pub just tried to pick me up.

A Hispanic busboy, to be precise, whose entire grasp of English--far as I could tell--was a heavily accented, "I like you."

It actually would have been pretty cute and flattering, to be perfectly honest, if he hadn't chosen to do so while I was at the urinal.

Because the urinal is a sacred space. A stranger who tries to strike up a conversation at the urinal is instantly deemed a douchebag, and possibly a creep as well. It's hard enough to get the flow going when you're distracted, but to be interrupted mid-stream is just... well, it's like trying to touch someone daemon, it just doesn't happen!

And so there I am, peeing away and settling down before heading back to my cheeseburger and pint of Harp, editing my latest Hefner Monologue about the trip to Seattle and about Nicola... when the guy hands me a little slip of paper with his name and number on it.

"I like you." As if I were getting hit on by Manuel from FAWLTY TOWERS or something.

I stuck around for another hour, because damn it, I was getting into the flow (har-har) of the editing, and was buzzing nicely from the beer, and was more or less able to forget about it and concentrate. Still, he'd come back every ten minutes like a good busboy to refresh my water (I drink like a fish, and thus have the bladder of an old man) and see if I was done picking at my burger. Once the writing was done and I paid the waiter, I slipped out undetected.

Once again, I thought about how much easier it might be for me if I really were gay, instead of just the gayest straight guy most of my friends know. But even if a sexy girl hit me up mid-pee, that'd still just be wrong, man. Not cool.

I told this to Mom ten minutes ago. She's still howling with cackles.

Comments

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

Once again, I thought about how much easier it might be for me if I really were gay, instead of just the gayest straight guy most of my friends know.

I'm going to have to challenge you on that, because I went to high school with The Gay Straights.

But yeah, that... I can't believe he spoke to you while you were peeing. Maybe he just figured it was the most private moment you were going to get? He didn't want to be publicly humiliated at work if you freaked? Still, bad choice in timing there.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yes, but... are they actually straight?

Even if they are (and they're clearly more secure in their masculinity than I), okay, fine, well... I meant those who know me personally. Girlfriends In Canada (CIGs, as you five shall henceforth be known) don't count.

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

As far as I know. I mean, they've been dancing on tables in spandex -- and dressing up like Elizabethan playwrights and hitting on English teachers -- for as long as I've know them. i know girls who have slept with one or the other of them, though that really proves nothing.

X3 I kinda figured that's what you'd say.

GAH

[jcsbimp.livejournal.com]

You made me flash back nastily to the one time I was hit upon by a guy in college. And yes, it was bathroom-related, too. It was more crass, though. "C'mere" isn't something a math major wants to hear coming from a stall he's passing. Especially in the building housing the Math Department offices. It's like, can't you confine that $#!+ to the Student Union? Or the dorms, maybe?

Re: GAH

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

The bathroom should be a fortress of solitude, damn it. Even in public bathrooms, unless you're with one of your pals and you're chill enough to carry on your conversation there, there's still this invisible bubble of privacy that all must respect. We are there to do unclean and personal work, after all.

Re: GAH

[jcsbimp.livejournal.com]

Yes. And the man who walks into a bathroom and selects the MIDDLE of ONLY THREE VACANT URINALS is the enemy of the man who's walked in right behind him.

Unless it has those partition-thingies.

Re: GAH

[jellied.livejournal.com]

Dude.

There is never any reason to carry on a conversation with anyone in the restroom. Once I go anywhere near a stall, I want all conversation to immediately cease and all knowledge of me to be erased until I enter the "safety zone" of the sink area.

The only possible exception to this is asking for toilet paper, but that's it.

[katenesswac.livejournal.com]

I swear, the craziest shit happens to you. It's good you're able to turn all these awkward situations into entertainment. I mean, at least ye olde gods are piling on the material.

[jackolantern.livejournal.com]

I get that grass-is-greener feeling every now and then; although high school would have been hell if I were gay, and I would have been coming of age just before people started to realize what was going on with AIDS--which was probably the most dangerous time--I also would have been getting crazy laid at a time when I was still a virgin (and desperate to lose it).

[torberg.livejournal.com]

Have you ever heard the original Broadway cast recording of "Man of La Mancha?" Because Sancho's song, "I Like Him," is now running through my head.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

He needs to learn the etiquette.. tapping his foot.

It gets the point across to anyone who might be interested, and allows for no awkward if it doesn't pan out.

Still, nice to know you've got options, right?

You too?

[the-mithril-man.livejournal.com]

I thought this just happened to me. Well it's a better world now that you are in the club. Come on in and have a seat, such as it is. And have you seen this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw) , I think it fits

[swimpenguin.livejournal.com]

Nah, being gay is no fun, men are scum. Scummy scum scum.
I've also always thought urinals should have walls between each unit.

[kosher-jenny.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I never really understood how you guys can use urinals in the first place. I mean, privacy-wise, it's like trying to use your arm to hide your answers on a exam. Meanwhile, I'm the kind of person who locks the bathroom door when I'm in my apartment even if I'm the only person home!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I think it has to do with the fact that we love to pee standing up.

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

"whose entire grasp of English--far as I could tell--was a heavily accepted, "I like you."

So you go away for one trip and come back a Republican Congressman?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I don't get it. But even still! Of all the anal-retentive editors in all my f-list, it had to be you...