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thehefnerAfter a long-awaited hiatus, I finally return to continue these bad boys with the baddest boy of 'em all. Dig it, pallies and palettes:
But first, I had to get there. I started off in the town of Vale, Oregon, a classic resting area for pioneers before climbing out of the Snake River Valley and into the Blue Mountains, or so it says in ROAD TRIP USA.
Not much to see here except for the Bates Motel (shows in the last set of photos) and a series of murals painted throughout the town on the sides of buildings, such as this:
The rest of my day was a hellish slog through Idaho and Utah, with absolutely nothing--nothing--worthy of note nor photo. At one point, I was running very low on gas and stuck on a highway in the middle of the night, snow was coming down heavily, fog was pea soup thick, traction was dubious, and there wasn't a single gas station nor sign of city life nor even CELL PHONE RECEPTION for fifty miles. That shit was goddamned nerve-wracking, let me tell you.
I slept in a Utah trucker's rest area, waking up freezing, my flu (oh, did I mention I left Seattle with the flu, and had it with me the entire drive?) kicking my ass, and--surprise!--my left eye was sealed shut from goo. Good morning, Heffie, welcome to Utah: you have pinkeye!
I understand that Utah is not only supposedly the happiest state in which to live, but also has some absolutely gorgeous spots to visit in the lower region. Good for them. I'm never going back to that creepy hellhole.
Over that three hour drive, the snow and ice gave way to greenery, and the greenery gave way to red sands and rocks, and the red sands and rocks gave way to Vegas. And The Hefner said, "It is coo-coo, pally."
Although it wasn't all coo-coo. First of all, there's the Strip. Now, it's Vegas, you have to see the Strip, right? No. Take my word for it, you really, really don't. There is very little redeeming about the Las Vegas Strip, between the herds of tourists sucking down on cane-sized plastic tubes filled with frozen margaritas to the flyer-snapping legion of dead-eyed immigrants hocking ads for escort services and strip clubs. Except the only place you actually find them called "strip clubs" are a handful of honestly sleazy joints outside of the Strip. I'll get to that wonderful area (no sarcasm) in the next post.
For now, let's focus expressly on the Strip. If this was all I'd seen, as so many tourists usually do, I'd hate Vegas and never want to go back. It's more or less everything bad you've ever heard it is, and if you're not interested in gambling or don't have wads of cash to blow on whatever, it can be a largely depressing (and tiring! This town seriously need better public transportation!) experience.
But that's not to say there isn't anything to see, of course.
Why, n Vegas, you too can insert a photo of your baby girl's head on top of a scantily clad woman soaping herself up while singing "Car Wash."
In Vegas, even Le Chiffre has his own magic show.
In Vegas, amid a sea of buskers playing crappy covers of John Mayer and U2 songs, there was this old man outside of a restaurant playing "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain," on his accordion.
The dude totally deserved a fiver.
I visited the M&M's store, which I heard was a fine way to waste fifteen minutes for free.
I'd honestly like to know who'd actually buy M&M cufflinks. Come on now. Fess up.
One of the last classics of Vegas, Bugsy's old joint, the Flamingo. Now with 200% more Osmonds!
Plus, birds! Not too much to see at night, but y'know what, I DID THE BEST I COULD, OKAY PEOPLE?!?! NOW LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING PRETTY BIRDS.
They were hard at work on a new mega hotel/casino, one so mighty and expansive that I gave up trying to capture it after this one shot:
It looked so awesome in that state, lit only by the worklights of construction, that I honestly wish they wouldn't finish it. It looks like something out of Skynet.
Which brings us to the Bellagio, and their famous fountain.
Now, I've tried to figure out how to recount this story through writing, and I've realized that it just can't be done. So, faced with no other alternative, I've decided it's time to step things up a bit.
That's it for Part One. In Part Two, we'll actually leave the Vegas area to explore the natural wonder of Red Rock Canyon.
For now, I'll just leave you with this: the strangest slot machine I've ever seen.
I don't wanna know what'll happen if you hit jackpot.
But first, I had to get there. I started off in the town of Vale, Oregon, a classic resting area for pioneers before climbing out of the Snake River Valley and into the Blue Mountains, or so it says in ROAD TRIP USA.
Not much to see here except for the Bates Motel (shows in the last set of photos) and a series of murals painted throughout the town on the sides of buildings, such as this:
The rest of my day was a hellish slog through Idaho and Utah, with absolutely nothing--nothing--worthy of note nor photo. At one point, I was running very low on gas and stuck on a highway in the middle of the night, snow was coming down heavily, fog was pea soup thick, traction was dubious, and there wasn't a single gas station nor sign of city life nor even CELL PHONE RECEPTION for fifty miles. That shit was goddamned nerve-wracking, let me tell you.
I slept in a Utah trucker's rest area, waking up freezing, my flu (oh, did I mention I left Seattle with the flu, and had it with me the entire drive?) kicking my ass, and--surprise!--my left eye was sealed shut from goo. Good morning, Heffie, welcome to Utah: you have pinkeye!
I understand that Utah is not only supposedly the happiest state in which to live, but also has some absolutely gorgeous spots to visit in the lower region. Good for them. I'm never going back to that creepy hellhole.
Over that three hour drive, the snow and ice gave way to greenery, and the greenery gave way to red sands and rocks, and the red sands and rocks gave way to Vegas. And The Hefner said, "It is coo-coo, pally."
Although it wasn't all coo-coo. First of all, there's the Strip. Now, it's Vegas, you have to see the Strip, right? No. Take my word for it, you really, really don't. There is very little redeeming about the Las Vegas Strip, between the herds of tourists sucking down on cane-sized plastic tubes filled with frozen margaritas to the flyer-snapping legion of dead-eyed immigrants hocking ads for escort services and strip clubs. Except the only place you actually find them called "strip clubs" are a handful of honestly sleazy joints outside of the Strip. I'll get to that wonderful area (no sarcasm) in the next post.
For now, let's focus expressly on the Strip. If this was all I'd seen, as so many tourists usually do, I'd hate Vegas and never want to go back. It's more or less everything bad you've ever heard it is, and if you're not interested in gambling or don't have wads of cash to blow on whatever, it can be a largely depressing (and tiring! This town seriously need better public transportation!) experience.
But that's not to say there isn't anything to see, of course.
Why, n Vegas, you too can insert a photo of your baby girl's head on top of a scantily clad woman soaping herself up while singing "Car Wash."
In Vegas, even Le Chiffre has his own magic show.
In Vegas, amid a sea of buskers playing crappy covers of John Mayer and U2 songs, there was this old man outside of a restaurant playing "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain," on his accordion.
The dude totally deserved a fiver.
I visited the M&M's store, which I heard was a fine way to waste fifteen minutes for free.
I'd honestly like to know who'd actually buy M&M cufflinks. Come on now. Fess up.
One of the last classics of Vegas, Bugsy's old joint, the Flamingo. Now with 200% more Osmonds!
Plus, birds! Not too much to see at night, but y'know what, I DID THE BEST I COULD, OKAY PEOPLE?!?! NOW LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING PRETTY BIRDS.
They were hard at work on a new mega hotel/casino, one so mighty and expansive that I gave up trying to capture it after this one shot:
It looked so awesome in that state, lit only by the worklights of construction, that I honestly wish they wouldn't finish it. It looks like something out of Skynet.
Which brings us to the Bellagio, and their famous fountain.
Now, I've tried to figure out how to recount this story through writing, and I've realized that it just can't be done. So, faced with no other alternative, I've decided it's time to step things up a bit.
That's it for Part One. In Part Two, we'll actually leave the Vegas area to explore the natural wonder of Red Rock Canyon.
For now, I'll just leave you with this: the strangest slot machine I've ever seen.
I don't wanna know what'll happen if you hit jackpot.
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 09:00 pm (UTC)THE COLORS! LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY COLORS! WANT!!!
nom
no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 09:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 10:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-04 12:57 pm (UTC)Damn, I'm so due a trip to Vegas. It's been too long.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 09:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 09:48 pm (UTC)I dunno if they've updated it in the past couple years, but it was a goddamned lifesaver. Thanks to it, I discovered a great kitschy clothing store (it's where I got the shirt in that video), the scariest dive bar in Vegas (a must-see for the brave), and what is supposedly the best Thai restaurant in North America.
That last one is the best thing you could do for food, especially on a budget. The book was great for that: there's a lot of great, dirt-cheap food to be found outside of the Strip.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 09:55 pm (UTC)(I love free Amazon shipping. There's very little that I can get from Amazon that I really need right frickin' now, so it's OK if it takes a while to get here.)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 09:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 10:03 pm (UTC)It's called "Lotus of Siam." The buffet is amazing, but I seriously regret not having a proper dinner there.
Also, Alan's talking about trying to get me back here for the Rudes' anniversary, but I haven't heard about when everyone's thinking that party might be. In either case, I was going to suggest that maybe we could do recreations of Bennigans favorites. Monte Cristo, broccoli bites, even the Puckburger itself...
no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 10:37 pm (UTC)Dude...
Date: 2009-04-01 01:54 am (UTC)That was awesome.
When I was in Vegas years ago I didn't have any time to do anything other than a quick (like an hour and a half) spin through the Strip (old and new). I need to go back in order to fully appreciate (or lament) the atmosphere.
Re: Dude...
Date: 2009-04-01 04:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-01 06:31 pm (UTC)Also, I'm now committed to staying in and watching TGTBaTU all afternoon.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-01 06:46 pm (UTC)Now that's a fine, fine way to spend an afternoon. Crank it up!
wah wahhhhhh . . . WAH wahhhhhh
Date: 2009-04-03 02:14 am (UTC)Re: wah wahhhhhh . . . WAH wahhhhhh
Date: 2009-04-03 02:22 am (UTC)