thehefner | our lives are a sitcom: watched by nobody, but starring everybody

How do I even begin summing up this situation? It's hard to say where it started, because as with all stories in real life, every beginning is just a collision of other stories already in progress.

The recent fandom kerfuffle with Amazing Spider-Man writer Dan Slott telling a fan to "Go fuck yourself" (and controversial fandom figure

box_in_the_box being one of the very fucking few people NOT praising Slott for doing so) has taken a weird turn today, with Slott himself picking a fight on Henchgirl's LJ. This, of course, resulted in an explosion with "Box and Friends" joining in, and Slott only digging himself in deeper.

Thing is, she was ALREADY feeling stressed from the fact that two of her posts (Boom! Yummy) have started getting widespread internet attention, and she's concerned about any fallout that may result from those who disagree with verbal pitchforks. On top of that all, she's still pregnant. So yeah, she's a bit exhausted.

Over in Box's own LJ entry about the situation, I left a comment which received replies from Henchgirl (in the other room on her own laptop), Box (our good friend who sees himself as the Flynn to our Yori and Tron), and

punishermax, a guy who has turned comics criticism into high satire sketch comedy. What follows is a dialogue version of our comments:

***

ME: I'm just standing by ready to supply tea and hot chocolate as needed. That's the extent of my involvement here.

HENCHGIRL: You are a wide man, John Hefner. (Pause) O.O! Wise! WISE! I MEANT WISE!

BOX: No, you meant "wide" as in "the girth of his manhood," RIGHT? See, you COULD have talked your way out of this and flattered him in the process, but noooooo ... :)

HENCHGIRL: I don't think even THAT would have flown. The Boy is increasingly sensitive about his looming fate to Shackroyd (Shatner/Ackroyd) out.

BOX: Boo hoo. I went from looking like Mike Myers on SNL to looking like Jack Black. He'll survive. :)

HENCHGIRL: ...don't tell this to the girl who had a raging crush on Mike Myers for two years as a teenager.

ME: That's it. When we get back, I'm doing Wii Fit every day. Stupid sympathetic pregnancy weight gain.

HENCHGIRL: Sweetie, you're not fat. ... Now, blowjob or Monopoly?

ME: ... First the latter, then the former as consolation after you kick my ass and humiliate me as usual.

BOX: The correct answer is always "blowjob." :)

HENCHGIRL: Wrong! [The Boy's] answer is always the correct answer. Because I'm so much more enthusiastically apologetic after crushing someone's spirits thoroughly.

PUNISHERMAX: I feel like I just watched a sitcom.

~Eighties soft rock guitar riff as we oom in on a home~

"Honey I meant WISE! Not wide!"

"Sure! And when you said you had a headache, you really meant my ASS made you ache!"

~laugh track~

"Honey, how about some monopoly! Then we can see if I can go on down...to Baltic Avenue..."

~Audience woooooooooos~

~door suddnly bursts open and box comes in~

~crowd explodes in applause~

"Did someone mention something involving sex?"

"Box, you live 20 miles away! How did you even know!?"

"Well you know me...when it comes to sex...~he turns and winks at the camera~ this box...knows about boxes!"

~crowd explodes in applause and cheers~

Show me that smile again
Oh, show me that smile
Don't waste another minute on your cryin'
We're nowhere near the end
We're nowhere near
The best is ready to begin
All in a cloudy daze
I look into your eyes and see them shining out
Holding you close this way
Holding you this way
Is like having summer everyday
Ooh, ooh
As long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin' right in our hands
Baby, you and me
We gotta be

***

Henchgirl hasn't seen that part yet, as she's still in the middle of a well-deserved nap. But I dare say she'll agree that punishermax isn't too far off. Only I feel like

surrealname might be Box's main competition for being the Larry Dallas of our lives.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. But I'm here, and it's still going. If only we had a camera crew.