(no subject)
May. 12th, 2004 12:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thehefnerLook. I understand, I really do understand, that some people don't want to reveal certain truths to someone else for fear of hurting them. I understand this, I sincerely do. They want to spare their friends' feelings, or let him find out on his own. No one wants to be the bringer of bad news. I understand this.
But when you know I'm gonna find out sooner or later, shouldn't it be sooner than later, before it hurts even fucking more when you do find out? Jesus Christ! I am so fucking upset right now, I shouldn't have gotten behind the wheel again but I did, I did, I had to, but I'm so hurt right now I don't think I'll even be able to fall asleep! And I wish what I'm feeling could be wholly righteous indignation, because at least I could sleep with a clear conscience and feel completely free of blame, but I'm not, am I? I'm not.
I hurt somebody. Really fucking bad. And as much as that news made me feel like utter shit, like a monster, like my father, even, it was nothing compared to what I learned right afterward. Now, what that detail is exactly I'm not going to explain here, but I know that a certain handful of people know exactly what I'm talking about. And it only leaves a question as to how long you've known but didn't see fit to tell me. Did you think you were sparing me something? Did you really think you were protecting someone else? It was only going to be a matter of time before I knew, hell, I'd already been deeply suspecting, but suspecting and knowing are two different beasts and... and did you honestly think even for a moment that you were helping anyone?
Because right now, I'm feeling certain emotions stronger and more vividly than I ever have in my entire life. And I'm trying, Lord knows, I'm trying to be as diplomatic as possible in writing this entry, because even as hurt and uttery used and betrayed as I feel, I still don't want to hurt certain people, especially not the person who is at the center of these feelings. I never, ever want to hurt that person, even in my worst moments. But oh yeah, there are some people I am very tempted to hurt. Seriously hurt. This is not a typical desire for me, understand, not by any means, and I do not like feeling this way towards another person. But some people have strung me along, people I considered my friends, people I confided in and trusted, and you know how painfully trusting a person I am... and I feel like I've been stabbed in the fucking back. I feel so emasculated, it's like someone cut off my balls and smacked me over the head with them.
Now. If someone has a problem with me writing this, if it wasn't vauge enough for the general public so as to spare the feeling of others or if you think you need to stop me from doing something stupid to myself or others, by all means, step up and motherfucking tell me.
If I'm hurting you, tell me. Please. For God's sake, please, don't let me live in ignorance just to hurt you again and again and again, so that when I lose your love you won't have to leave me clutching my wounds asking "why?" Am I over-dramatic? Fuck yes, I'm an actor and a writer, what do you want from me? This is how I feel right now. As a result of this mess we've made for each other, a mess that maybe, I dare to hope, just *might* have been lessened if people just talked to one another. And I know, I know, some people can't do that, don't deal with things that way, but guess what? I do. And you all know it.
Because right now, this fucking sucks more than anything else in the fucking world right now. And I don't want to be angry at anyone. Can I make this clear enough? I don't want to have to look at people I've trusted and feel like I can never say anything to them again. I want everything to be one big misunderstanding and we can all laugh about it and be friends again. This isn't righteous anger. It's just hurt. That's all. I hope and pray everyone can understand that.
To put it another way... I don't want The Hefner Monologues to end this way.
That's all I have to say. I'm doing something incredibly out-of-character here and disallowing comments. If you have something to say, please say it either by email, by phone, AIM, or to my face.
But when you know I'm gonna find out sooner or later, shouldn't it be sooner than later, before it hurts even fucking more when you do find out? Jesus Christ! I am so fucking upset right now, I shouldn't have gotten behind the wheel again but I did, I did, I had to, but I'm so hurt right now I don't think I'll even be able to fall asleep! And I wish what I'm feeling could be wholly righteous indignation, because at least I could sleep with a clear conscience and feel completely free of blame, but I'm not, am I? I'm not.
I hurt somebody. Really fucking bad. And as much as that news made me feel like utter shit, like a monster, like my father, even, it was nothing compared to what I learned right afterward. Now, what that detail is exactly I'm not going to explain here, but I know that a certain handful of people know exactly what I'm talking about. And it only leaves a question as to how long you've known but didn't see fit to tell me. Did you think you were sparing me something? Did you really think you were protecting someone else? It was only going to be a matter of time before I knew, hell, I'd already been deeply suspecting, but suspecting and knowing are two different beasts and... and did you honestly think even for a moment that you were helping anyone?
Because right now, I'm feeling certain emotions stronger and more vividly than I ever have in my entire life. And I'm trying, Lord knows, I'm trying to be as diplomatic as possible in writing this entry, because even as hurt and uttery used and betrayed as I feel, I still don't want to hurt certain people, especially not the person who is at the center of these feelings. I never, ever want to hurt that person, even in my worst moments. But oh yeah, there are some people I am very tempted to hurt. Seriously hurt. This is not a typical desire for me, understand, not by any means, and I do not like feeling this way towards another person. But some people have strung me along, people I considered my friends, people I confided in and trusted, and you know how painfully trusting a person I am... and I feel like I've been stabbed in the fucking back. I feel so emasculated, it's like someone cut off my balls and smacked me over the head with them.
Now. If someone has a problem with me writing this, if it wasn't vauge enough for the general public so as to spare the feeling of others or if you think you need to stop me from doing something stupid to myself or others, by all means, step up and motherfucking tell me.
If I'm hurting you, tell me. Please. For God's sake, please, don't let me live in ignorance just to hurt you again and again and again, so that when I lose your love you won't have to leave me clutching my wounds asking "why?" Am I over-dramatic? Fuck yes, I'm an actor and a writer, what do you want from me? This is how I feel right now. As a result of this mess we've made for each other, a mess that maybe, I dare to hope, just *might* have been lessened if people just talked to one another. And I know, I know, some people can't do that, don't deal with things that way, but guess what? I do. And you all know it.
Because right now, this fucking sucks more than anything else in the fucking world right now. And I don't want to be angry at anyone. Can I make this clear enough? I don't want to have to look at people I've trusted and feel like I can never say anything to them again. I want everything to be one big misunderstanding and we can all laugh about it and be friends again. This isn't righteous anger. It's just hurt. That's all. I hope and pray everyone can understand that.
To put it another way... I don't want The Hefner Monologues to end this way.
That's all I have to say. I'm doing something incredibly out-of-character here and disallowing comments. If you have something to say, please say it either by email, by phone, AIM, or to my face.
