Forgiveness
Jul. 4th, 2004 02:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thehefnerThere's an Al-Anon meeting tonight at Suburban Hospital, and even though it might not even be happening, this being the 4th and all, I think it's still worth the trip, just in case. Though I am somewhat reluctant to return to those meetings, it has increasingly been appearing evident as what I need to do to get my life back on track.
Lord knows I'm no stranger to asking for forgiveness, often times more than was necessary. My mother still fears that I'm an overly-apologetic doormat (how is it that I'm both overly-apologetic and overly-defensive? How the hell does that one work out? 'Cause somehow I've pulled it off!). Of course, the obvious issue is forgiving my father, and really, I'm not sure how I stand on that either way. My father's always been a being unto himself, beyond mere condemnation or salvation. There are books and there's the Bible. There are writers and there's Shakespeare. There are enemies and there's my father. If you see what I mean.
But recently, only very recently, circumstances and events have resulted in me developing negative feelings in others. Deeply negative feelings. Now I don't hate anyone, not even these people, since it would have to take an act of inarguable hatred and malice towards myself or someone I love to get me to really hate a person, I think. But right now, what I feel for this very small number of individuals is the closest thing to hatred I've felt for anyone since my last grade school bully.
And in case you were wondering if you know whom I'm talking about, it may not necessarily be who you think. Who they are is not the point. How I feel for them is.
And I don't like feeling this way, I've realized. It doesn't make things any better, it doesn't make the hurt go away. The only thing it provides is a twisted kind of satisfaction, the satisfaction of someone who was wronged, but even that's proving to be a hollow victory. The time for holding a grudge is wearing thin. It's about time to move on.
I could tell them I forgive them, sincerely forgive them, but they'd almost certainly reject any forgiveness I give them. Hell, in the eyes of some cases my sins weigh far heavier than anything they might have done to me (and of course, the thier minds they didn't do anything wrong at all). While I would very much like friendships to be salvaged, I fear these others have no interest in saving anything that involves me. But what I can do is forgive them in my own heart. To let go of these ugly feelings and get on with my life.
I'm not sure I'm ready to do this today. But maybe, and perhaps with the help of Al-Anon and those people who I can still call friend, I will be able to do that someday soon.
Lord knows I'm no stranger to asking for forgiveness, often times more than was necessary. My mother still fears that I'm an overly-apologetic doormat (how is it that I'm both overly-apologetic and overly-defensive? How the hell does that one work out? 'Cause somehow I've pulled it off!). Of course, the obvious issue is forgiving my father, and really, I'm not sure how I stand on that either way. My father's always been a being unto himself, beyond mere condemnation or salvation. There are books and there's the Bible. There are writers and there's Shakespeare. There are enemies and there's my father. If you see what I mean.
But recently, only very recently, circumstances and events have resulted in me developing negative feelings in others. Deeply negative feelings. Now I don't hate anyone, not even these people, since it would have to take an act of inarguable hatred and malice towards myself or someone I love to get me to really hate a person, I think. But right now, what I feel for this very small number of individuals is the closest thing to hatred I've felt for anyone since my last grade school bully.
And in case you were wondering if you know whom I'm talking about, it may not necessarily be who you think. Who they are is not the point. How I feel for them is.
And I don't like feeling this way, I've realized. It doesn't make things any better, it doesn't make the hurt go away. The only thing it provides is a twisted kind of satisfaction, the satisfaction of someone who was wronged, but even that's proving to be a hollow victory. The time for holding a grudge is wearing thin. It's about time to move on.
I could tell them I forgive them, sincerely forgive them, but they'd almost certainly reject any forgiveness I give them. Hell, in the eyes of some cases my sins weigh far heavier than anything they might have done to me (and of course, the thier minds they didn't do anything wrong at all). While I would very much like friendships to be salvaged, I fear these others have no interest in saving anything that involves me. But what I can do is forgive them in my own heart. To let go of these ugly feelings and get on with my life.
I'm not sure I'm ready to do this today. But maybe, and perhaps with the help of Al-Anon and those people who I can still call friend, I will be able to do that someday soon.
