Girls! Girls! Girls!

So. I went to the Leagues audition today. Now I know what some of you are thinking. "But Heffie, auditions don't begin until tomorrow!" Heh heh. Yeah. See, mine was scheduled for Tuesday. And I knew they began this week. I didn't think they started tomorrow and went INTO next week. Y'know, I couldn't have read the actual dates on the slip, heavens no. But the good news is a met a girl, the one other person who thought the auditions were today. So some good dumb luck there. We went to lunch together instead. That was the good news.

The bad news is she's 17. GAHHH! Ok. This is the third, the THIRD underage girl I've met recently who is attracted to me and I her and we actually click. There's just that huge age gap and possibility of jail time. Motherf...!!! Y'know, this puts me in mind of another thing, I've resolved something: I shouldn't date 19 year olds anymore. It's just a bad, bad idea. After two, I've learned this lesson.

Because at this age, 19 year old girls are PSYCHOTIC. I mean, more so than normal. Don't get me wrong, ladies, I love you. I mean, heck that's the problem, innit? But you're all crazy (yes, yes, we're not much better, but I'm not talking about us here). They're still teenagers, they're in periods of transition, they don't know what they want, and I always end up getting hurt. Okay, so I only have two experiences first hand, but believe me, I've spent much time observing other young ladies between 18-21 and the patterns all seem to be the same. All this uncertainty, transition, all that crap and I will always be lost in that shuffle. Least it sure as hell feels that way.

Why can't I just find a nice, stableish, saneish 23-30 year old woman? Is this so hard? It really shouldn't be. Good grief. Stupid hormones. Accursed deep-seated desire to mate and have companionship. Curse you, Richards. Always you defy me.

I went and saw the Danny Boyle film MILLIONS with Katya. Nice, odd little movie from the TRAINSPOTTING guy. Always nice to see James Nesbitt in a role. Katya was too tired to go to dinner since she had class tomorrow, but we will definitely do it again soon. Chemistry-wise, I think we're just friends. We'll keep seeing one another, and if it turns out that way, I'll be fine with that. Besides, she's 19, so maybe it's for the best for now.

father stuff

Y'know, as I'm plotting out my graphic novel, I'm put in mind of something my mother used to say regarding my father: "You know, John, if you put all the things your father has done and said, no one would believe you. Or at least, they wouldn't understand." This is one of the fundamental truths about growing up with an alcoholic, and thus the reason for groups such as Al-Anon. How do you convey the years of molding and manipulation, of guilt and hurt?

Like, ( here's an example. )

How does one convey this through storytelling? I know that for the stuff about my girl angst to make sense in proper perspective, much of the comic has to be about my relationship with my father. It's central to who I am and why I'm like this.

A couple of days ago he went upstairs to "lie down for a few minutes" like he frequently does. I walked past the bedroom at one point to catch him not napping, but just lying down, staring straight ahead. The bedroom stank of filth and dried bodily fluids, and there were about three dozen used tissues on the floor (used with what, I couldn't say). I normally stay till around 6 but there was nothing left for me there to do (I mean, not like there ever IS, but well...) so I told him I was leaving. He looked absolutely heartbroken. "You... you are?" Heavens, a full 45 minutes earlier than usual.

So today, just before I began to write this entry, he said to me, "Johnny, I'm going to go lie down for a few minutes. Please... don't leave." The sadness in his voice, the touch of pleading, the utter dependence on me. What the hell is to be done with this man? I just don't bloody know. All I can do is put up with it and try to vent these and other such feelings of pain and angst into my art. Maybe I'll find some answers there.