Oh Little Lulu I love You-Lu Just the Same...

GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!!!

I go on one date last night, shunning the usually-abysmal Sunday night Fox line-up, and what oh what do I miss??

I WILL NEVER GO OUT ON A DATE AGAIN.

Oh who am I kidding, I want to meet a girl whose purse is a lunchbox.

Although Lisa identifying with the GHOST WORLD girls? She's alienated, but she's also still idealistic and isn't a selfish jerk. But thankfully, all of that was forgotten by the time we got to "Watchmen Babies: V for Vacation" and "Maus is in the Haus!"

on BEOWULF

I'm not going to say BEOWULF doesn't have flaws.

I mean, Robin Wright Penn never looks properly human, nor do many of the extras, the village folk, who resemble sub par background characters in GOD OF WAR. And Angelina Jolie, with her mighty-inflated CGI boobs, what-the-fuck-random high heels, and dubious ALEXANDER accent... well, I've never had a real problem with her, but let's just say I'm starting to feel why others do. But we're got quite at Halle Berry/Jessica Alba levels just yet.

(And as one reviewer pointed out, the motion capture technology introduced here will only improve, and BEOWULF will likely suffer from comparison. Well, so fucking what.)

And of course, there will be the literary purists, the English majors, the people who love and care about the actual true Beowulf story. I cannot speak for these people, but I am deeply sympathetic to purists, in obvious respects (my inability to fully enjoy the generally-loved V FOR VENDETTA movie, for example). Hell, much as I love the original story myself, I haven't read it since high school, and cannot honestly thoroughly compare book to movie.

I will say this: you cannot, absolutely must not go into this expecting a straightforward adaptation, because that's not what this is. And for good reason. Yes, I can hear your gnashing teeth, but listen: while this is a revisionist take on the myth, it's not like, say, 300's* take on Thermopylae.

Rather, it's much closer to what FABLES does, taking the core myths and throwing in different perspectives and spins while still (more or less) being faithful to the originals. And frankly, I think BEOWULF does it better than FABLES, which often strikes me as smugly pleased with its own cynical cleverness (The dwarfs were secretly rapists! The spoon secretly always hated the dish! Whatta twist!). Shit, if you can handle what is done with Gepetto and the Blue Fairy, you can easily handle what's done in BEOWULF, due in major part to the screenwriting excellence of Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary.**

BEOWULF the movie is not meant to be a definitive take on the story, even though it will unfortunately be so to a whole generation of young folk and idiots. It's simply a different perspective and interpretation of the myth, a companion and reflection to the book, which will likely always be the one true Beowulf story.

Frankly, this is exactly the sort of thing I want to do with my upcoming Herakles novel. Why just tell the same story over again? It'll never be as good as the original. If you can't do or say something different with the same essential story, what's the point? The nature of myth, it seems to me, is in the retelling. And with each retelling, whether intentionally or not, something is altered while the essential core of the story remains the same. It's why I love myth, and why I want to write this Herakles book.

And BEOWULF, at its heart, is not an empty badass action movie, but rather a fascinating psychological study on the powers of myth and storytelling, as well as on the nature of heroism... from a time when being a hero meant different things than it does today. I mean, I'm not saying it's the deepest film of the year, but it's certainly more so than anyone was expecting, and I'm honestly jealous that I now cannot use the observations that Gaiman and Avary employed in BEOWULF. It's due to them that this film is not just another mindless piece of 300-style escapist entertainment.

That said:

HOLY SWEET MERCIFUL EVER-LOVIN' DANCING COCK MONKEYS DOES THIS FILM KICK FIFTEEN KINDS OF ARSE.

I mean, I imagine in 2D, the film's still good. The story's strong enough. You could see it in 2D and be all right, sure.

But sweet zombie jesus, people, they weren't kidding: IF YOU CAN SEE THIS IN 3D, DO!!!!

Shit, when even the joyless crushed-idealist bastards at CHUD.com say:

I was so wrong about BEOWULF. I was wrong about the quality of the human animations. I was wrong about the concept. I was wrong about the whole damn thing (though Crispin Glover still irritates the vas deferens outta me).*** It's not only a damn good movie, it's an upper tier fantasy film that rises above the potential gimmicks of motion-capture, 3-D, and Ray Winstone as a leading man in a blockbuster. Without anything held back I gotta recommend the living shit out of this movie. I was wrong. I was wrong. I was WAY wrong.

Also, as funny as SUPERBAD and KNOCKED UP are, there is no moment in cinema this year that destroyed me like the scene near the beginning with the sea serpent and the eye and the screaming of a name [when you see it you'll know]. I was ruined for the next ten minutes. Don't pre-judge this excellent and visually jaw-dropping film like I did.

... then that's fucking impressive.

(And I'm not even gonna begin going on about the cast, and the depth of their vocal/facial performances. There's a whole other post there!)

I just sadly fear spacechild is right in that, much like GRINDHOUSE, seeing this film on TV just won't be the same. It has has has to be seen on the big screen, in 3D. This film was made to give people a reason to go back to theaters, and it's a hell of an introduction.

We're gonna try to get a group together next week or so to see it in IMAX. It's worth the ticket cost and long-ass drive.

One of the best cinematic experiences I've had all year.




*Comparisons to 300 are unfortunate and inaccurate but now inevitable, thanks to BEOWULF's marketing department. Whatever. A couple years ago, they would have tried to market this as the new LORD OF THE RINGS, to which it's obviously closer, but still not the same thing.

**I've come to terms with the fact that I am perhaps the only person in the whole who absolutely loves the entirety of THE RULES OF ATTRACTION.

***On this one count, the CHUD.com guy is still a fool. Glover rules, and his performance as Grendel was marvelous.