4 points on FF2

[thehefner]

Just saw a free (and thus worth every penny) preview screening of FANTASTIC FOUR 2: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER. A few thoughts:

1.) Holy fuck, Jessica Alba is terrible. I mean, terrible. There wasn't one redeeming aspect to her on a personal, physical, or talent level. If you would like a specific list of her crimes against humanity, I'll be happy to list them off.

2.) The Surfer was the best part, but Laurence Fishburne's voice coming from that body was distracting. I really wish they stuck with Doug Jones' original voice, as the bits I heard sounded great.

3.) Doom looked much better than he did in part 1 (from what I've seen of it), but every time he opened his mouth, all I heard was smarmy yuppie. Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor was more imposing.

Ooh! Hey! Hey, everyone! Pop quiz!

If you are Doctor Victor von Doom, and you gain ultimate power, how do you think you'd react? Do you say either:

a.) "YES! NOW IT IS I WHO POSSESS THE COSMIC POWER THAT WAS ONCE HIS! NEVER BEFORE HAS ANY ONE HUMAN BEING BEEN AS TOTALLY SUPREME-- AS INVINCIBLY SUPERIOR-- AS I ! NOW LET MANKIND BEWARE-- FOR DOCTOR DOOM HAS ATTAINED POWERS WITHOUT LIMIT-- POWER ENOUGH TO CHALLENGE GALACTUS HIMSELF!!!"

or

b.) "... Niiiice."

And finally, appropriately enough, I think the fourth one sums it up.

4.) SPIDER-MAN 3 had better dancing.



Curse you, Richards!!!

Comments

Dear lord

[the-mithril-man.livejournal.com]

Please say it wasn't b! Please!

Funny thing is whenever I think of the Surfer's voice I always think more along the lines of, well honestly Kelsey Grammer, than Fishburn. On the other end, do they alter Doom's voice any more than they did in the first film? Seems he would sound like Vader, like he was talking through something, unless to belittle Richards, or speak to his subjects in a loving and fatherly tone. About how much he cares and loves them.

As long as they do exactly what he says every time he says it. With. Out. Question.

Lastly: "SPIDER-MAN 3 had better dancing." What? Chiklis can cut a serious rug. Why oh why won't they let The Thing dance? I blame Kurt Russel

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

I VOTE FOR A

[swimpenguin.livejournal.com]

And I hear Galactus is officially a dust storm. Yeeep. Gotta a storm coming Jed, a real howler, one of those eat the planet types that'll get your corn, your ruttubaga, and your dogs. Yep. Get your shotgun Jed, we're going Galactus huntin'!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Ha! Sadly, yes. Big dust storm. What the crap.

spiderman 3

[tankgirl88.livejournal.com]

topher grace as venom made me very happy

Re: spiderman 3

[tankgirl88.livejournal.com]

and i choose B

Re: spiderman 3

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

...

sigh... and that is why you and I would never have worked out.

[interdisciple.livejournal.com]

Not ONE redeemable aspect to Jessica Alba...

...even on a physical level???

Wow, Heffie.

Either...

a) ...we're not thinking of the same Jessica Alba (unlikely)

b) ...you've just taken "prone to exaggeration" to a new level

c) ...um, so you're sure you're straight, huh, buddy? I mean, nothin' but love either way, but just sayin'... Hate to be crass, but can think of more than one redeeming physical... as... pect...

d) Go ahead. Hit me with the "her crimes against humanity" list.

heh, cue icon, eh?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It's not just Jessica Alba. Normal, regular Jessica Alba is not my type (we have Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel. Alba is obsolete!), but I admit, she's hot.

Jessica Alba in this movie has fake blond hair (only blondes look good blond... I mean Scarlett looks hot either way, but she was SO much hotter with her real hair color), plus she's lost weight, so she looks sickly, and to top it off, she has these blue eye contacts that make her looks like something out of STAR TREK. That's the physical level.

On an acting level, she plays the whole thing like a petulant Prada girl, and no amount of ugly-framed glasses are ever, EVER going to convince us that she's a brilliant scientist. It didn't work for Denise Richards in that Bond movie, it didn't work for Tara Reid in ALONE IN THE DARK, and it sure as fuck doesn't work for Alba.

Not like the script was any good anyway, but a better actress could have played Sue's emotional crisis as more than, say, a whining, selfish, short-sighted brat.

Also, she has absolutely ZERO chemistry with Reed. In a story about characters who are a family more than a team, and a movie that hinges emotionally around marriage, that's a death knell.

I don't care how hot an actress is, if she's a bad actress, I have fucking zero interest in her. Same with Halle Berry, who drives me up the wall. Now, if I met either of them in person and they wanted to fuck me, hell yes I'd do it.

But there are much hotter (and more talented) actresses than Alba.

For the record, if you want to know who I'd say should have been Sue Storm, Naomi Watts is my number one choice. She has it all, save that she's probably too old for the FF when they just start out. But I'd take her over Alba any bloody day.

Have I made my case clear?

Re: heh, cue icon, eh?

[interdisciple.livejournal.com]

OK, so the answer is B. Prone to exaggeration. Sickly or not, I'm sure there's at least ONE physically redeemable aspect to Alba in this film. In fact, I will see it, and I will find it.

I respect all your other critiques. Not sure they qualify as Crimes Against Humanity (seriously, in this class of uppity females, CAH should be taken most literally; think Hilton, think Lohan. Alba is not similarly guilty, all emotional flatness, talentlessness, chemistry black holes, poor casting choices, and consequent Total Heffie Disinterest aside -- she still seems like a decent enough person).

You are henceforth deemed Teh Exaggerator!

Re: heh, cue icon, eh?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hey, now at what point do I say that I speak for humanity? I speak only for myself! Most everyone else finds her hot. I probably would too, if there was an ounce of charisma and talent behind those freakish blue contact lenses.

I'm not saying she IS a Hilton or a Lohan, just that's how she plays Sue. Only minus the attention-whore aspect.

(I speak only for this performance. The only other thing I've seen her in was SIN CITY, and she was fine... but could have been way better there too, but I don't suppose you want my critique there too)

You cannot henceforth deem me anything! I henceforth deem YOU... uh... Mister... Stupid... Face... uh... Butt... Person... Man. YEAH.

SO SPEAKS GALACTUS! (or so he would have, if he weren't a big fucking dust cloud)

Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[interdisciple.livejournal.com]

In international law, a crime against humanity consists of acts of persecution or any large scale atrocities against a body of people, as being the criminal offence above all others.[1] (from wikipedia)

Lohan: Guilty
Hilton: Guilty
Alba: Probably only as guilty as you and me

Her crime was a crime against Heffie, or perhaps a crime against F4 fans at most -- not a crime against humanity. Yeah, yeah, I know you didn't mean it literally. But that was the 2nd radical exaggeration, so, y'know...

Hawtness is admittedly subjective and only an issue insofar as you issued a scathing damnation of Alba's physical worth in a rather unequivocal (and, I dare say, exaggerative) manner, by stating there was not even one redeeming aspect personally, performatively, etc... and physically, thus calling your straightness into banterful question. ;)

Thus, while I shall not question the performative aspects of your redemption evaluation, nor their bearings upon your Alba-Appeal-o-Meter, I shall question the other allegations and the subsequent crimes with which she's been charged by Hef.

YOU ARE HENCEFORTH DEEMED TEH EXAGERRATOR

Yours sincerely,

Mister Stupid Face Butt Person Man (MSFBPM)

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

OK, OK, not humanity. You're right. I'd have hoped folks would have gotten the geek irony in my written tone, but very well.

How about crimes against acting, then? Art? Good filmmaking? CRIMES AGAINST SMILIN' STAN LEE AND JOLLY JACK KIRBY, TRUE BELIEVER. NUFF SAID!

(see? geek irony. it's my LJ, it's what I do)

BAH! More and more, I feel like I truly am becoming Doom. Give me a tower in a European castle in which to sequest myself, while I seethe and sulk and ponder upon the fools, oh the fools, they'll rue the day... especially that accursed Richards...

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[interdisciple.livejournal.com]

Fair enough.

Crimes Against Art should indeed be actual and persecutable offenses. Slippery slope to the Salem Witch Trials, but still.

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I would honestly fear for humanity (yes, them again) should I ever be given absolute power and authority. I try to be as objective as possible, "hey, it's not for me, but that doesn't mean it's not good or that others might not enjoy it," but were I to come into control of POWERS WITHOUT LIMIT... yeah, the Salem Witch Trials would be a cakewalk in comparison.

Geek rage must be kept in check at all times.

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

aha! this is the real reason why geeks are almost always saddled with awkward social skills... imagine a geek with social prowess!

dodged a bullet, there...

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I know! My God, we'd be unstoppable!

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

it'd almost be like a zombie apocalypse... but with less brain-eating.

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

And more bitching.

The announcement of Heath Ledger as the Joker, that alone would spark a 28 DAYS LATER scenario.

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

I'm going to keep crossing my fingers. I'm going to cross my fingers SO HARD.

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Y'know, after reading that you were kinda interested in seeing how the scarred-face thing was gonna go, I decided to upgrade from "We'll just wait and see" to "I actually WANT this to be good." I really do now.

Of course, my high hopes are on Harvey, first and foremost. But Mr. J is a close bloody second.

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

i thought that was ME!

;)

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[interdisciple.livejournal.com]

Wow. See, I'd be such a benevolent dictator. My only rule would be to be nice and not to be a selfish, greedy asshole. There would be no due process, really -- only my judgment, which is unequivocally fair and moral, if harsh. For those that make bad art, they must simply be Called Out in public, and any income they derive that exceeds that of middle-class wages shall be forcibly devoted to furthering their professional training, until such a point as trainers deem it hopeless, with the remainder going to philanthropize True Artists' Works and Spaces.

Re: Allow me to pontificate most dogmatically

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hopefully absolute power would not corrupt even you, for I fear I would not be so strong in the long run.

[gore-whore-5.livejournal.com]

Oh do please list her crimes. I've heard similar things from other people, but I'd love to hear the Hefner version.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Already done! Read above in the other comments.