you put de lime in de... um... mint... and den you... get slutty prada girls drunk?

[thehefner]

It wasn't easy, mind you. My first couple attempts were lackluster, to be sure. The key, of course, was to crush the mint leaves with a mortar and pestle in a bit of club soda, the lime juice, and--instead of just sugar--a simple syrup made from sugar and herbal mint tea. Throw in a couple drops of bitters in the end, and I--my friends--have just succeeded in making a pretty damn good home made mojito.

...

Why do I feel less like a man for admitting that?

I guess I shouldn't mention how I was similarly victorious is using malibu and coconut milk to make a Coco Mojito, should I?



EDIT: Bonus DVD Alternate Version of this post:

...

*in Worf voice* There is no honor in this beverage.

Comments

[kali921.livejournal.com]

I hereby deem that this literary endeavor is fulsome with VICTORY.

BWAHAAHAHAHAHA.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

Yeah, except for the question "did he actually put bitters in a mojito?"

Because I am totally willing to have your back on this mojito adventure, Heffie... forearms rippling with flexed muscle as you crush the mint leaves and sugar into a substance that exists only to serve you with it's sweet submission, the crushing in itself a reaffirmation of all that is masculine and rugged. Truly, the pestle is an extention of the penis, and all that will not bend to the will of the phallus shall be ground beneath it, and then drowned in rum and seltzer. Even the name, mojito, is taken from the latin, and in the ancient tongue it meant "to conquer utterly"; it was a word used in less-than-polite circles to describe how one might destroy their mortal enemy or bed a willful woman. Truly, "Mojito" is synonymous with "Cock". That's right, with a capital 'C'.

bitches.

Except that he used bitters, and I've never heard of bitters being used in a mojito before.

Why don't you just castrate Charles Bronson with a pair of Hello Kitty safety scissors, Hef?

You've ruined manhood for us all, now.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

DUDE. Bitters are a Manhattan staple. You cannot make one of the classiest man cocktails (consumed by gangtsters... according to the SIMPSONS anyway) without the precious dash of bitters! Putting bitters in a mojito is like replacing Bronson's arm with one of the ED-209's guns! And if you've never heard of bitters in a mojito, you're either a commie or an unwed mother!

...

COCK DICK PENIS WANG

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

nah. i'd leave the bitters out. the beauty of the mojito is in it's refreshing simplicity.

but i dont think there is anything unmanly about mojitos. i drink them, and i am all that is man.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Honestly, it strikes me as kind of a pussy drink. I mean, you couldn't taste ANY of the rum, and how weird is it, that I've gotten to a point where I actually like the taste of alcohol in my alcoholic drinks. I had two fucking shots of rum in that shit, dude! It's deadly, but tastes like a very light, understated mint lime water.

And while I'm tempted to say, "Yes, well, they probably make them better in Coo-Bah", at least I know I can attest to smashing those mint leaves until they were nothing but fragrant, flavorful menthol pulp. It was millions times better than my first mojito attempt, and the mint tea really helped like nuts in bringing out the flavor even more. You gotta try mine and let me know how I did.

Still. There is no honor in a mojito. There's more honor in a strawberry daiquiri, because most times you can taste the rum, and even then, there's a serious risk of brain freeze.

The mojito is the anti whiskey-shot.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

what kind of rum are you using?

and yes, i will definitely want to try it. i'm also curious about the one with the coconut milk in it.. that sounds good.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Bacardi. It's the only clear rum I have, other than Malibu, and I've never heard of a mojito made with dark rum like Captain Morgan or Tortuga. Although I have to wonder how the hell THAT would turn out.

The mint tea (just a half-a-shot worth, mixed with half a shot of sugar to create the syrup) brings out the mint potency juuuust enough.

You may dig simplicity, but me, I like to improve upon perfection. Remember, you're talking to the guy who added lime juice, Malibu, AND Captain Morgan to Pina Coladas, which no one else I've yet discovered has done yet. And you liked that, I do recall.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

i wouldnt try it with dark rum.

and you know i'll try anything once.

[covenhouse-cat.livejournal.com]

Crap. I do that too. Lime juice, and malibu, and I always make pina coladas with Captain Morgan Private Stock.

Duuuuude. Once again you are my leetle brother, kidnapped by aliens and transported to another part of the country.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Private stock?? Really? I'd always be hesitant to use the higher quality stuff in a drink where they're not a primary ingredient. Like, high stock liquor in a martini or cocktail, I'm there. But a pina colada? Does it really make that much of a difference? Is it truly worth using the more expensive stuff?

[covenhouse-cat.livejournal.com]

I think it does, but regular CM is good too. Don't like Bacardi as well.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Also, I really didn't notice a difference with the bitters, as far as I can tell. But I wish I hadn't told you, cuz now you'll be all looking for the bitters taste when you drink it.

Are you similarly against my addition of mint tea simple syrup rather than straight sugar?

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

crushing mint and sugar works well, but making simple syrup in a pan does too.

i have to admit my skepticism about the tea, yes.

METAQUOTED!

[kali921.livejournal.com]

METAQUOTED! (http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/6258505.html)

It was SO hard to pick what to quote from this post, because the threads are GOLD.

Re: METAQUOTED!

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

hehe awesome!

you know i enjoy amusing you, Annie!

[metalcrowe.livejournal.com]

You've never been to the Perk open mic night, have you?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

No, why? Is this mojito-related, or do you mean for HEFNER MONOLOGUES? Because I'm kinda scared to go back to timed open mics, where I feel way more nervous and rushed.

[metalcrowe.livejournal.com]

It's a mojito thing; they pimp the mojitos pretty hard there. I've never had one, but they are apparently excellent.

[themadhatter26.livejournal.com]

Wait wait wait wait....wait

So did you actually score with any slutty prada girls?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

No, and I think I'm not unhappy with that outcome. Although I had to shoo some of them off; grinding mint leaves with a mortar and a pestle is like cats hearing a can opener with them.

[swimpenguin.livejournal.com]

Mojitos are the best drink ever! Coco mojitos sound tasty, I've never had those.

*And if Worf said there was no honor in a Mojito, I'd have to assimilate his ass. Just sayin'.

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

"Why do I feel less like a man for admitting that?"

Because masculinity was designed to make men feel better about not being able to attract chicks.

Make mojitos?
Chick attraction = +7

Crush beer cans against your head?
Chick attraction = -10

Rinses dishes and puts them in washer without being asked?
Chick attraction = +4

Wrestlers posters on your wall
Chick attraction = Celebacy

Keep it up and you'll have to fight us off!

[dormsquirrel.livejournal.com]

I totally agree, though I'm going to have to raise the whole dishwasher one to a +9.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Shit. I was doing better the other way.

But then, maybe I'd show more initiative to doing the dishes to please a ladyfriend than, say, my mother.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Also, if you're so anti-wrestler too, why'd ya date Kevin? Hmmm??

Actually, I don't know, does he have posters?

[cityofspheres.livejournal.com]

Whoa, I never got mojito and coconut flavors to play well together. Congrats.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

The only thing you gotta deal with is the little bit of coconut milk curdling. I don't know why that happened, as I thought citrus would be thing to offset it, and I didn't use lime. But the flavor was very nice, very smooth, neither mint nor coconut about to wallop you with taste or anything.