Eye of the Tiger, baby. Eye of the Tiger.

[thehefner]

Further developments in Heffie's ongoing struggle to get in shape (in time for Halloween pictures).

So a few days ago, in an effort to maintain my personal trainer Carolyn's prescribed diet of 3-8 egg whites every morning, I went to Whole Foods to get more cage-free organic eggs. If I'm gonna gulp down egg whites, you bet I'm gonna go for the organic kind. However, it was 9pm, and Whole Foods was closed, so I was forced to go to Safeway. They had *one* container of the cage-free organic eggs, but one seemed like enough, and the next morning I had my egg whites as usual. However, I felt paranoid for the rest of the day. I'm fine, of course. If I weren't, Mom assures me, I'd know it soon enough. But you guys know me. I'm a worrier. I'm the Worrier King!

Fast forward to just an hour ago. I'm working out with Carolyn, she's kicking my ass as usual, and I decide to share this story with her, to hopefully alleviate my own paranoia and take my mind off the burn.

ME: So I've been feeling a little paranoid over the egg whites lately...

CAROLYN: What, you're concerned that you've been undercooking them?

...

...

...

ME: ... nnnnnno. I've... been sucking them down raw.

CAROLYN: !!!!!! WH--WHUH--WHAT?! RAW?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! OH MY GOD!

ME: But... but... I thought that was the point.

CAROLYN: NO! JESUS CHRIST, NO!!! ISN'T THAT DISGUSTING?!

ME: ... yes. They're raw eggs whites. Isn't that the whole point?

CAROLYN: OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WOULD POSSESS YOU TO DO THAT?!

ME: But... but that's what Rocky did!

CAROLYN: YEAH, BACK IN 1976! HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?!

So of course she had to tell one of her co-workers, this strapping big trainer who was making this little middle-aged suburban mom do crunches. Nearly breathless, Carolyn forces herself into story mode and regales past five minutes to her colleague...

CAROLYN: And he's been eating them raw.

GUY: Oh yeah, I've done that.

CAROLYN/SOCCER MOM: What?! Really?! GROSS!

GUY: Sure, a lot of guys do that. Wait, you use the organic kind, right?

ME: Totally.

GUY: Psh, yeah, you're fine.

CAROLYN: I can't believe this. I'm so sorry for not being more specific. But why the hell wouldn't you cook them?

ME: Because... honestly, I can't stand cooked eggs. They make me throw up.

CAROLYN: Jesus!

ME: With the whites, I can use my patented Irish Car Bomb technique and suck 'em down in one slimy, flavorless gulp.

CAROLYN: Ugh. Wow. Can you put that on a résumé?

ME: I think it'd attract the wrong kind of people.

Carolyn let me go home after that, bowing and chanting "We're not worthy. We're not worthy." The other trainer and the Soccer Mom, on the other hand, announced my triumphant departure by singing, in unison:

Duh-dun da-da-dun da-da-dun da-da-dun, da-da da-da-dun da-da-DA da-da-dun...

Comments

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

You just made my day. Thank you. (Although I'm not sure it's a particularly healthy thing for a day to be made of _that_, it's surely made now.)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome. My pain is the world's pleasure.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

Only because you polish your pain up and present it shiny on a platter with a pretty blue rim. It'd not be quarter as fun without your talent.

[kmousie.livejournal.com]

That's hilarious. I needed to laugh today...thanks!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

So glad I could be of service. :)

[torberg.livejournal.com]

Actually, if you're going to gulp down raw egg whites on a regular basis, you're better off buying pasteurized shell eggs. They're pasteurized while still in the shell, so they're still "raw" but anything bumming a ride (like salmonella, which can be found in organic eggs) is killed.

I can't yet tell you where to get them as I haven't looked for them yet (I heard about them on Good Eats), but I'm thinking about looking for them now that icewolf010 is pregnant. We both like our (cooked) eggs a little towards the runny side and I don't feel like taking a chance on any wee beasties causing a problem for our wee beastie.

(Of course, now I'll probably catch grief for calling our future behavioral science experiment a "wee beastie." On the other hand, all the talk of slurping down raw eggs may be turning her stomach enough that she won't read this far.)

Wee beastie?

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

It's no worse than coffee bean, peanut, or my dear little diuretic...

*moresnrking*

Re: Wee beastie?

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

Z and Bobby called him Junior Mint and didn't even have a real name for 3 days after he was born....

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Let me know when you do find out. Because I'm starting to lean towards cartons of pre-pasteurized liquid egg whites. But I can go through one of those in two days.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

I should point out that these days the incidence of salmonella in properly stored eggs is on the order of 1 in 20,000. That's due to the antibiotics, not better treatment, but the odds of raw eggs making you sick is really, really low.

It may make you grossed out, but you can eat them your whole life without catching salmonella.

[torberg.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know the likelihood of salmonella is rare, but it couldn't hurt to play it safe when a fetus is concerned. So, either we find pasteurized shell eggs, or we forego runny eggs for a while.

Besides, chickens that lay organic eggs be free of said antibiotics? (Unless said chicken was being specifically treated for an ailment?)

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

Absolutely: for the next nine months Lyn shouldn't have anything which has not been incinerated. I'll buy you a blow torch.

catsNcrying on the other hand is young and strong. A little suffering is good for his soul.

I seem to recall a study that said that your chance of catching salmonella from an organic egg actually was higher than that from a conventional egg, but it was still pretty remote.

[tompurdue.livejournal.com]

I recall the story primarily because it was an opportunity for the "industrial food is great and organic liberals are whiny" crowd to utterly miss the point.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

I've heard of these, and yes, also on Good Eats, but have never actually seen them in person. They are not to my knowledge available at garden-variety supermarkets. I've not looked too carefully at organics, so they might be gettable there.

[icewolf010.livejournal.com]

I'd say ditch the eggs and find a similarly formulated protein shake, but at this point, I think you'd be letting down too many people. *snrk*

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've got protein shakes, but I need to ideally be comsuming lean protein all day. Egg whites are a good simple easy way to do it. I do smoothies too, but there I risk getting too much sugar, even with plain unsweetened yogurt added.

Not that my diet has been perfect anyway... there's no way I'm gonna lose the gut in two weeks. But I'm absolutely tightened up.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

I find it oddly weird that cooked egg whites make you throw up, and yet raw egg whites don't. Even slamming raw egg whites... ew ew ew.

Personally, the only time I willingly eat raw eggs is in cookie dough format. But I imagine that would somewhat defeat the slimming down effect.

Yeah, mostly my reaction is "...ick."

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I can say this in reply to most everyone else here, but I think I'll share it with you:

"You know, once you muscle your way past the gag reflex, all kinds of possibilities open up."

The thing is, raw egg whites don't taste bad. They don't taste like anything. They're just slimy. Thankfully, I can gulp 'em down in one.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

the slimy part is enough for me, thanks.

"You know, once you muscle your way past the gag reflex, all kinds of possibilities open up."

.... indeedy. Many of them involving fellatio.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I copied the line wrong. It's actually "all kinds of food possibilities open up." Less obviously sexual, and more clever.

But yeah, cooked eggs... they just hit my barf button. It's the taste and/or texture.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

that makes a little more sense, at least for you. Didn't really think you were looking to add fellatio to your "possibilities."

Heh, I'm reminded of whatever the protein stuff was that they ate in the first Matrix movie on Morpheus' ship: "Like a big bowl of snot."

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Random question: did you read Frank Miller's DARK KNIGHT RETURNS? Where Bruce Wayne is an old man, Harvey is bald, and the Joker rarely ever smiles?

In either case: http://www.beaucoupkevin.com/2007/10/josh-started-it-and-then-it-was-all.html

Thought of you.

Also, a thought regarding the book. I've established that Harvey's born and raised in Crime Alley, right? Okay, well, I'm starting to wonder if maybe, in my scenes between adult Bruce and Harvey, I should address the age-old question, "What the hell were the Waynes thinking of walking in a place known by everyone as 'Crime Alley'?!" It's been a big ol' sticking point in geek discussions for years.

Would it be too much if... well... they might have been there to see Harvey? Maybe even to confront his abusive alcoholic father face-to-face? Shit, even pay to adopt him? Or am I gonna risk fucking around too closely to legend?

I really don't know how I feel. Thoughts?

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

I think I did read that one.. although I may be confusing it with another Frank Miller Batman book.

I think if you try to have the Waynes in Crime Alley to visit Harvey or do some other such thing, it's going to have some MAJOR repercussions that you'll have to deal with. Like, for example, it's because of Harvey that they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hello, guilt! I really don't think they should be paying to adopt Harvey, and I don't think confronting Harvey is something that the Waynes would do in this fashion.

Perhaps a better reason for their being in Crime Alley at all ties back into their general approach to dealing with crime and social decay. I get the feeling that Thomas Wayne was not the sort of person who would let other people, especially an anonymous "them" kind of group like generic criminals, prevent him from going where others would not, because it wasn't "safe." The Waynes' philanthropy was intended to make places like "Crime Alley" more safe - I'm reminded of a scene in Batman Begins when they're taking the elevated train and his father tells Bruce that the train benefits everyone, including themselves and those less fortunate. Something like that.

I really think Thomas Wayne wanted to use his money to bring other people up, and likely deluded himself into thinking that places like "Crime Alley" weren't as bad as other people (especially those in his class) said they were. It just so happened that he was more optimistic than he should have been.

Now that I've argued that he wanted to bring people up with his money, let me explain the difference between that notion and not going to pay to adopt Harvey. There's something painful and humiliating to accepting money from someone who has it when you need it. And I think Mr. Wayne knew that, and deliberately used his money through foundations, infrastructure (like the trains) and other ways that benefited groups of people less directly than hand-outs. I think hand-outs would have served Wayne to lord it over other people, and that's not what he was about. Similarly, I think it would have been too humiliating and painful for Harvey (not to mention his father!) for some well-meaning person like Wayne to interfere. All he could really do for Harvey was open his home to him. And frankly, I don't think Harvey would have accepted more than that, much as he might have longed for it in some inner thoughts.

There's much too much going on in Harvey's home dynamics to even suggest Wayne intruding on it - I think it would cheapen things too much.

Now, it's quite possible that they were there to visit and possibly have him over to supper or something, but in that case, why wouldn't Harvey have gone with them to the theater and then gone to supper afterward? That doesn't make sense.

Really, I think you should just let the Waynes be skeptical of the "Crime Alley" moniker and be wrong in their optimism.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Good, that's much better to consider. Because if I were Harvey and my better father figure was murdered right near my house, it'd probably weigh on me even if it weren't my fault. I just couldn't figure out a good why for why the hell they'd be there. But that makes perfect sense.

Maybe his father wouldn't let him go? The father was trying more and more to wrest control of Harvey away from the Waynes.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure Harvey would let Wayne take him that way. I mean, how old was Harvey when the Waynes were murdered? Was he old enough to be past the point of "I can beat you, old man, you can't push me around anymore"? I got the impression that Bruce and Harvey were around the same age, and Bruce couldn't have been that old... maybe 12?

I'm not sure Harvey would have been ready to leave his father at that stage in his development. And if Harvey's father was more and more wresting control of Harvey away from the Waynes, (as it were, since it was really a grab for power over Harvey from Harvey himself, much more than from the Waynes. Probably Harvey's father believed it was from the Waynes, though) that would speak even less to the Waynes "dropping by" when they knew it would upset Harvey's father who would then take it out on Harvey.

I feel like Harvey's father is not the only force keeping him from jumping ship - I think Harvey himself does not want to leave, not at this point. I really think only after he has the physical confrontation with his father can he start to think about getting out.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Since I'm having Bruce and Harvey be around the same ages, they couldn't be more than seven. That's the age that it's generally agreed the Waynes were murdered. Harvey doesn't finally snap back and defend himself (although going too far, of course) until he's fifteen. He hasn't kept in touch with Bruce since a little after the night they were murdered, and doesn't really see him again until the day Joe Chill is killed (the BATMAN BEGINS scene).

I think that final observation about Harvey not wanting to leave is very astute.

... hm. Should we just altogether avoid the topic of "What the hell were the Waynes thinking of walking through Crime Alley?"

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

If you can paint a vivid-enough picture of the Waynes as the philanthropics who believe in the good in people, and were tragically skeptical of other people's fears of places like "Crime Alley," I wouldn't even address the topic. Show me, don't tell me, as my writing teachers have always said. Someone who reads this story should decide for himself that Thomas Wayne wanted to believe in the good in people, even when it put him and others in danger.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Very well, then that's where my focus shall be.

Because as genuinely noble as they were, yeah, they'd never know exactly what life was like down there. They couldn't.

That "show, don't tell" is going to be exceedingly important in forming Gilda as well. I'm nearly done with my second draft revisions of those scenes. I'll run 'em by you eventually, of course.

Oddly, I'm keeping that Harry Potter defense of yours in mind. Remember what you said about the fandom? I'm starting to think it's a matter of giving the readers just enough information to let their imaginations take them away to fill in the gaps, even if it's gaps entirely of their own devising.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

Dude!

Has that been posted on SD?

Because that's awesome, and I will SO post it.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I don't believe it has. But I hesitate to do more "and just to make this legal" posts. There's gotta be other places where the awesomeness of that can be displayed.

Let's ask Kali. I bet she'll know.

[spacechild.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I'm not a member on any other places, and hence can't post to them.

[thirdbase.livejournal.com]

eggs are, technically, hermetically sealed, so there really shouldn't be much of a problem.

still, your trainer thinks you are too buff for her... that's gotta feel good.


(i know. in this case, buff is actually defined as "crazy" but I won't go there if you won't)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hey, I think I've already impressed her with my progress and dedication. This just sealed the deal that I'm willing to do what it takes... even if it turns out I didn't need to go that far after all.

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

Freak!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Correction. Sexy freak.

[heykidzcomix.livejournal.com]

Nothing is sexier than a man choking down goo.

NOTHING.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

hee hee hee hee hee

A man with great guns! ... eventually.

I think I'm up to a two-pack.

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha.
Honestly, I have been restraining myself from asking why on Earth you'd subject yourself to raw eggs since you started talking about them. I knew it had something to do with "Rocky". I've just been conditioned. Every time I lick the spoon when baking, my mom yells "SALMONELLA!" at me, and I'm 22 years old.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Shit, I was wondering why no one else remarked on it until now! My overprotective friends are letting me down, here!

I'd honestly been conditioned to it as well. But when your Miss Fitness Universe personal trainer with the perfect butt tells you to eat egg whites and you think of everything from ROCKY to RUN FATBOY RUN, what the hell else would one think?

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

I have to say, I would have told her that I'm cooking those suckers. But cooked eggs don't make me sick, I've never seen "Rocky" and I'm immune to Miss Fitness Universe's perfect butt. The gym-rat look is a total turnoff. Plus, uh, she's a lady, which is an even bigger turnoff. I can understand how all three of those things might sway you. My general rule, though, is that I only eat real, actual food. And tofu. Hehe.

[jellied.livejournal.com]

Three words: Cool Hand Luke.

I have yet to do actually do that, but it's on my list. I just need to get together with my boy, Tom. As we like to bro down and talk about working out alot together (Who am I? And what have I done with jellied?) and shit like whey protein shakes.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

A film I still need to see, but I know the scene you're talking about.

[civilbloodshed.livejournal.com]

I laughed. So. HARD. And then I laughed even harder because I'd've done the same thing. *facepalm*

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

And truly, I think that's part of what makes this a vital component of a new and wonderful Hefner Monologue. Because how many of us would have done the exact same thing?

[frumple.livejournal.com]

*snicker* Thank you. I needed a laugh. :)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Seems to be going around. I sure picked a day to inadvertently cheer up my flist, didn't I?

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

"With the whites, I can use my patented Irish Car Bomb technique..."

You've figured out a way to drink Irish Car Bombs? That's a Real Men of Genius ad right there!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I am the reigning champ. I beat all my friends.

Except last time, when the beer was so cold it gave me insta-brain-freeze.

Of course, Irish Car Bombs are the cause of my I lost my virginity... and in a most Hefnerian fashion, to boot...

[cityofspheres.livejournal.com]

As my father discovered after getting salmonella from doing the exact same thing, organic/natural/cage-free is not good enough.

The eggs should be pasteurized, by shining some kind of electromagnetic waves at them. http://safeeggs.com/ I've only seen these once in a supermarket around here.