LIKE A FUCKING OBALISK (sp) OF OWNAGE

[thehefner]

Had I discovered this yesterday, it would have been included in my "Patton Oswalt on Jason Statham" post. But as it is, I think it's finally time I did a full post about the wonder... the glory... the utter majesty that is... "ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER."



Anyone who braves the quagmire of hipster douchebaggery that are the AV Club message boards knows about the great ZMF. He is often mistaken as a troll, but he never writes to personally attack anybody on the board. He just innocently posts his opinions. In his own unique manner.

Take, for example, these tidbits off his Twitter feed:


# BREAKING BAD BITCH ON SALE FOR $20 AT WALMART SO ALL YOU SLAPDICKS WHO DONT WATCH THIS SHIT DONT HAVE AN EXCUSE ANYMORE


# HOLY SHIT ORANGES ARE A FUCKING HASSLE


# EASTER IS THE WACKEST FUCKING HOLIDAY EVER


# FUCK IM OUT OF MILK


In fact, he's become so well-known and beloved that the AV Club included him alongside Edgar Wright, Mindy Kaling, Ed Brubaker, Ben Gibbard, and Brian K. Vaughan for their article, "Celebrity guests on the year's best films." For ZMF, there was only one contender:


ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER
(controversial A.V. Club comments-section regular)

IT WAS A MISERABLE FUCKING YEAR FOR MOVIES ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THESE LIMPDICK OSCAR MOVIES I COULDNT GIVE FIRST FUCK ABOUT BUT THE DARK KNIGHTTOWERED ABOVE ALL THE BULLSHIT LIKE A FUCKING OBALISK OF OWNAGE AND EVERYBODYS BASICALLY SAID EVERYTHING THERE IS TO SAY ABOUT IT BUT I WANNA MAKE SPECIAL NOTE TO ALL THE AWESOME CRIME SHIT WITH THE JOKER BLOWING SHIT UP AND ROLLING WITH THE MOB AND SETTING SHIT ON FIRE AND STABBING MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE FACE AND ROBBING BANKS AND KILLING COPS AND MAKING TORTURE VIDEOS AND BUSTING INTO THAT HIGH CLASS TIGHTASS PARTY AND EATING OTHER PEOPLES FOOD. PLUS HARVEY DENTS TORCHED FACE AND THAT FAT FUCK WITH THE BOMB IN HIS STOMACH WAS SOME HARDCORE SAW LOOKING SHIT. ONLY PART I DIDNT LIKE WAS HARVEY DENTS DEPUTY DAWG ASS GIRLFRIEND ITS LIKE FUCK NOLAN I CAN FIND A HOTTER CHICK THAN THAT DOWN AT THE ALDI BUT FUCK IT BECAUSE EVEN HER RANCID MELTED CANDLE LOOKING ASS WASNT ENOUGH TO DIFUSE ALL THE AWESOMENESS ON DISPLAY. KNIGHT BITCH. ONE OF THE GREATEST FUCKING MOVIES EVER MADE


Of course, ZMF's style is not for everyone, and some people take issue with him and his particular outlook on the world, or his (totally wrong) opinion of Maggie Gyllenhaal. In that same article's comments, one person wrote, "I mean, I don't really have a problem with what he's saying (except I disagree - she's pretty attractive) but your sometimes po-faced "no personal comments, let's keep the level of discourse up" stance seems a little at odds with your "let's pander to the kids by fgiving air time to the one-note retard that shouts at / threatens everybody and whose favourite film is 'Saw'" stance, doesn't it."

To which ZMF began his reply, "FIRST OFF BITCH IM A MAN OF PEACE AND I DONT GO AROUND THREATENING MOTHERFUCKERS REASONLESS..." and he goes on from there, but really, after "FIRST OFF BITCH IM A MAN OF PEACE," what else do you need?

And yet, others still did not feel ZMF's magic. One commenter, under the alias, "Zodiac Motherfucker's Mother, Fucker!" wrote: "The ZMF phenomenon is actually kind of sad, as it represents the inevitable, dumbed-down decline of the AVC into a witless fanboy mentality. Loud, pushy idiots tend to dominate internet discussions as it is. They don't need any help or encouragement. But the AVC has given in and decided to pander to this untalented, unfunny dimwit. They're giving in and giving up, turning the AVC into an idiocracy in the process."

One commenter by the name of "Chico von Guacamole," responded with this astute analysis of ZMF: "The ZMF phenom is characterized by unbridled joy rather than sadness as you claim. The only thing remotely sad about it, imho, is how his totally hot finger flippin' momma got arrested in Jersey for beating on some cops. That, friend, is a damn shame, or, at the very least, a compelling reason to become a Jersey prison guard."

To which the man himself immediately followed it up with:


AND YET THIS BITCH IS HERE RIDING MY DICK LIKE A LOWRIDER BIKE STEALING MY NAME AND SHIT YOU KNOW SOMETHING SON MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAB OUT ON YOUR OWN AND MAKE YOUR FUCKING MARK AND MAYBE YOULL BRING THE BOARDS UP TO YOUR LEVEL INSTEAD OF DRAGGING IT DOWN BY BEING A HATING BITCH

DONT CURSE THE DARKNESS MOTHERFUCKER LIGHT A CANDLE


Game, set, and match, ZMF.

But why now, you may ask? Why wait until now to finally introduce us all to the magnificence that is ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER? Because, my friends... he has just reviewed CRANK 2.


FUCK THIS

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER

17 April 2009 | 12:36 PM CDT

FUCK BOCA RATON AND FUCK FALL OUT BOY I AM HERE TO SERVE NOTICE ABOUT THE REAL THATS RIGHT CRANK BITCH FUCK YEAH JUST GOT BACK FROM SEEING IT AND HOLY SHIT I AM HERE TO SERVE NOTICE IT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY FUCKING FUCKING LIFE. WALL TO WALL OWNAGE YOU GOT STRIPPERS SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKERS YOU GOT CHINESE GANGSTERS TEARING SHIT UP YOU GOT GREAT BIG JACKED UP CHOLOS OWNING PEOPLE YOU GOT GAY DUDES WITH NUNCHUCKS YOU GOT STATHAM RUNNING AROUND LIKE A FUCKING HURRICANE OF OWNAGE YOU GOT AMY SMART BEING AWESOME AND HOT AND GETTING FUCKED IN PUBLIC YOU GOT HOOKERS CRUSHING SOME FAT MOTHERFUCKERS NUTS YOU GOT OLD ANCIENT ASS CHINESE DUDES GETTING PUSSY YOU GOT MOTHERFUCKERS GETTING THROWN OUT OF WINDOWS HOLY SHIT IT IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE THE OWNINGS PER MINUTE ARE PROBABLY THE HIGHEST THEYVE BEEN SINCE THE FUCKING WAR ZONE WAS RULING THE MULTIPLEX AND BAI LING HOLY SHIT ILL OWN YOUR ASS A LONG TIME FUCK YEAH

CRANK BITCH FUCK THE FUCK YEAH CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR MOTHERFUCKERS GET YOUR ASS TO THE THEATER AND FEEL THE FUCKING VOLTAGE

A THE FUCK PLUS

VOLTAGE



droidboy010101 suggested that we figure out a way to do interpretive performances of ZMF's work. I'd buy that for a dollar.

Comments

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

Well, the claws would provide a decent excuse for why oranges might be a hassle. Not that they aren't anyway. I'm just concerned his dancing would be restricted by all the tight black leather.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

(OMG icon love, hahaha)

He could wear a tutu for all I'd care. We need to see Jackmanverine interpret "I JUST THREW UP IN THE WRONG SIDE OF THE SINK. HOLY SHIT WHAT A FUCKED UP DAY"

Seriously, that is your moment of zen right there.

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

(High School Musical: if nothing else, it gave us humor value. I still remember that fantastic article you posted about how everything should be solved by imitating Zac Efron's performance of BET ON IT~)

...how DO you throw up on the wrong side of the sink?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I'm told there's a song in HSMIII that rivals "Bet On It" for comedic value, but I can't possibly see how.

*SAAAAAND!*

I... I just don't know! But really, does it make any more or less sense than waking up on the wrong side of the bed? It's all the same bed!

That's the true genius of ZMF. He helps us reconsider the world around us and the things we take for granted.