LIKE A FUCKING OBALISK (sp) OF OWNAGE

[thehefner]

Had I discovered this yesterday, it would have been included in my "Patton Oswalt on Jason Statham" post. But as it is, I think it's finally time I did a full post about the wonder... the glory... the utter majesty that is... "ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER."



Anyone who braves the quagmire of hipster douchebaggery that are the AV Club message boards knows about the great ZMF. He is often mistaken as a troll, but he never writes to personally attack anybody on the board. He just innocently posts his opinions. In his own unique manner.

Take, for example, these tidbits off his Twitter feed:


# BREAKING BAD BITCH ON SALE FOR $20 AT WALMART SO ALL YOU SLAPDICKS WHO DONT WATCH THIS SHIT DONT HAVE AN EXCUSE ANYMORE


# HOLY SHIT ORANGES ARE A FUCKING HASSLE


# EASTER IS THE WACKEST FUCKING HOLIDAY EVER


# FUCK IM OUT OF MILK


In fact, he's become so well-known and beloved that the AV Club included him alongside Edgar Wright, Mindy Kaling, Ed Brubaker, Ben Gibbard, and Brian K. Vaughan for their article, "Celebrity guests on the year's best films." For ZMF, there was only one contender:


ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER
(controversial A.V. Club comments-section regular)

IT WAS A MISERABLE FUCKING YEAR FOR MOVIES ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THESE LIMPDICK OSCAR MOVIES I COULDNT GIVE FIRST FUCK ABOUT BUT THE DARK KNIGHTTOWERED ABOVE ALL THE BULLSHIT LIKE A FUCKING OBALISK OF OWNAGE AND EVERYBODYS BASICALLY SAID EVERYTHING THERE IS TO SAY ABOUT IT BUT I WANNA MAKE SPECIAL NOTE TO ALL THE AWESOME CRIME SHIT WITH THE JOKER BLOWING SHIT UP AND ROLLING WITH THE MOB AND SETTING SHIT ON FIRE AND STABBING MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE FACE AND ROBBING BANKS AND KILLING COPS AND MAKING TORTURE VIDEOS AND BUSTING INTO THAT HIGH CLASS TIGHTASS PARTY AND EATING OTHER PEOPLES FOOD. PLUS HARVEY DENTS TORCHED FACE AND THAT FAT FUCK WITH THE BOMB IN HIS STOMACH WAS SOME HARDCORE SAW LOOKING SHIT. ONLY PART I DIDNT LIKE WAS HARVEY DENTS DEPUTY DAWG ASS GIRLFRIEND ITS LIKE FUCK NOLAN I CAN FIND A HOTTER CHICK THAN THAT DOWN AT THE ALDI BUT FUCK IT BECAUSE EVEN HER RANCID MELTED CANDLE LOOKING ASS WASNT ENOUGH TO DIFUSE ALL THE AWESOMENESS ON DISPLAY. KNIGHT BITCH. ONE OF THE GREATEST FUCKING MOVIES EVER MADE


Of course, ZMF's style is not for everyone, and some people take issue with him and his particular outlook on the world, or his (totally wrong) opinion of Maggie Gyllenhaal. In that same article's comments, one person wrote, "I mean, I don't really have a problem with what he's saying (except I disagree - she's pretty attractive) but your sometimes po-faced "no personal comments, let's keep the level of discourse up" stance seems a little at odds with your "let's pander to the kids by fgiving air time to the one-note retard that shouts at / threatens everybody and whose favourite film is 'Saw'" stance, doesn't it."

To which ZMF began his reply, "FIRST OFF BITCH IM A MAN OF PEACE AND I DONT GO AROUND THREATENING MOTHERFUCKERS REASONLESS..." and he goes on from there, but really, after "FIRST OFF BITCH IM A MAN OF PEACE," what else do you need?

And yet, others still did not feel ZMF's magic. One commenter, under the alias, "Zodiac Motherfucker's Mother, Fucker!" wrote: "The ZMF phenomenon is actually kind of sad, as it represents the inevitable, dumbed-down decline of the AVC into a witless fanboy mentality. Loud, pushy idiots tend to dominate internet discussions as it is. They don't need any help or encouragement. But the AVC has given in and decided to pander to this untalented, unfunny dimwit. They're giving in and giving up, turning the AVC into an idiocracy in the process."

One commenter by the name of "Chico von Guacamole," responded with this astute analysis of ZMF: "The ZMF phenom is characterized by unbridled joy rather than sadness as you claim. The only thing remotely sad about it, imho, is how his totally hot finger flippin' momma got arrested in Jersey for beating on some cops. That, friend, is a damn shame, or, at the very least, a compelling reason to become a Jersey prison guard."

To which the man himself immediately followed it up with:


AND YET THIS BITCH IS HERE RIDING MY DICK LIKE A LOWRIDER BIKE STEALING MY NAME AND SHIT YOU KNOW SOMETHING SON MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAB OUT ON YOUR OWN AND MAKE YOUR FUCKING MARK AND MAYBE YOULL BRING THE BOARDS UP TO YOUR LEVEL INSTEAD OF DRAGGING IT DOWN BY BEING A HATING BITCH

DONT CURSE THE DARKNESS MOTHERFUCKER LIGHT A CANDLE


Game, set, and match, ZMF.

But why now, you may ask? Why wait until now to finally introduce us all to the magnificence that is ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER? Because, my friends... he has just reviewed CRANK 2.


FUCK THIS

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER

17 April 2009 | 12:36 PM CDT

FUCK BOCA RATON AND FUCK FALL OUT BOY I AM HERE TO SERVE NOTICE ABOUT THE REAL THATS RIGHT CRANK BITCH FUCK YEAH JUST GOT BACK FROM SEEING IT AND HOLY SHIT I AM HERE TO SERVE NOTICE IT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY FUCKING FUCKING LIFE. WALL TO WALL OWNAGE YOU GOT STRIPPERS SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKERS YOU GOT CHINESE GANGSTERS TEARING SHIT UP YOU GOT GREAT BIG JACKED UP CHOLOS OWNING PEOPLE YOU GOT GAY DUDES WITH NUNCHUCKS YOU GOT STATHAM RUNNING AROUND LIKE A FUCKING HURRICANE OF OWNAGE YOU GOT AMY SMART BEING AWESOME AND HOT AND GETTING FUCKED IN PUBLIC YOU GOT HOOKERS CRUSHING SOME FAT MOTHERFUCKERS NUTS YOU GOT OLD ANCIENT ASS CHINESE DUDES GETTING PUSSY YOU GOT MOTHERFUCKERS GETTING THROWN OUT OF WINDOWS HOLY SHIT IT IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE THE OWNINGS PER MINUTE ARE PROBABLY THE HIGHEST THEYVE BEEN SINCE THE FUCKING WAR ZONE WAS RULING THE MULTIPLEX AND BAI LING HOLY SHIT ILL OWN YOUR ASS A LONG TIME FUCK YEAH

CRANK BITCH FUCK THE FUCK YEAH CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR MOTHERFUCKERS GET YOUR ASS TO THE THEATER AND FEEL THE FUCKING VOLTAGE

A THE FUCK PLUS

VOLTAGE



droidboy010101 suggested that we figure out a way to do interpretive performances of ZMF's work. I'd buy that for a dollar.

Comments

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

Your friend is so right. Clearly, interpretive dance is called for.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

That's what they'd do at the Oscars to celebrate the certain victory of Alan Arkin winning every award for his performance of ZMF (see below).

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

Exxxxcept that the Oscars are obsessively planned, and interpretive dance of this magnitude, based on this source of inspiration, MUST be spontaneous and made up on the spot. How else can you capture the true spirit of "FUCK IM OUT OF MILK?"

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Good point. One way or another, I bet Hugh Jackman could pull it off. But only if he did it in full Wolverine gear.

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

Well, the claws would provide a decent excuse for why oranges might be a hassle. Not that they aren't anyway. I'm just concerned his dancing would be restricted by all the tight black leather.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

(OMG icon love, hahaha)

He could wear a tutu for all I'd care. We need to see Jackmanverine interpret "I JUST THREW UP IN THE WRONG SIDE OF THE SINK. HOLY SHIT WHAT A FUCKED UP DAY"

Seriously, that is your moment of zen right there.

[fragmentedsky.livejournal.com]

(High School Musical: if nothing else, it gave us humor value. I still remember that fantastic article you posted about how everything should be solved by imitating Zac Efron's performance of BET ON IT~)

...how DO you throw up on the wrong side of the sink?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I'm told there's a song in HSMIII that rivals "Bet On It" for comedic value, but I can't possibly see how.

*SAAAAAND!*

I... I just don't know! But really, does it make any more or less sense than waking up on the wrong side of the bed? It's all the same bed!

That's the true genius of ZMF. He helps us reconsider the world around us and the things we take for granted.

[mirthical.livejournal.com]

I think you'd have to shout the entire thing in a monotone all in one breath to really convey the awesome properly, whatever the interpretation ends up becoming.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

*snaps fingers* I've got it!

Alan Arkin.

fiveseconddelay recently realized that Arkin has a way of JUST SHOUTING HIS LINES IN HIS MONOTONE MANNER UNTIL FOR WHATEVER REASON HE STOPS

No period. He just stops.

Yes. Yes, I think you're right, and Arkin is the man to pull it off.

[droidboy010101.livejournal.com]

If Arkin is unavailable, I'd lobby for The West Wing's Toby Zigler (Richard Schill)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM1Vt6MyKj0

In any event, as a soundie... there's definitely a need for something that translates capslock into voice that's not just shouting...

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

At this point, we're putting together an entire benefit show of celebrities doing interpretive readings for charity. In which case, we need to get both Schill AND Begley Jr.

Ooh! Rorschach too.

One more for the interpreative readings...

[treyhawk.livejournal.com]

Penn Gillette

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

Why does this guy remind me of my brother?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I don't know whether to envy or pity you. I'm not sure I'd ever necessarily want to know ZMF personally (the guy's favorite film is SAW, after all, and I'm sure he'll defend it just as loudly in person), but from a distance, he's magnificent.

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

My brother doesn't shout things in a never-ending sentence, but just the way this guy talks, it reminds me of how my younger brother writes things online. It's quite hilarious.

This guy is pure genius. I'm not sure if it's even legal for me to be laughing this much.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I totally know what you mean. As I think ZMF is 100% legit, it's like he's a living satire, and miraculously the laughs are never at his own expense.

CEREAL IS THE BEST FUCKING DEAL EVER

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

SOME CHICK I KNOW MET THE ACTRESS MINNIE DRIVER AND SAID SHES NICE AND I WAS LIKE YEAH I BET BECAUSE I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THE FUCK SHE IS

He now owns a following by me on Twitter.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Hell, I may have to *start* using Twitter just for people like him.

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

It's pretty fun. I usually just pop on when I'm bored and say something random. It can be therapeutic sometimes.

Or you can always take the creative route and write poetry or short stories or make word games or something.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

But... but I *like* being obstinate and not jumping on the bandwagon if I can't be one of the first! Why, I'm writing this very entry via my telegraph machine!

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

I don't jump on bandwagons. But if I get a chance to completely blow a bandwagon's mind by making that shit more entertaining, I do it.

Then again, I was one of the first losers to make a Twitter. I actually have two... but that's uh, a different story. I use the other for creative purposes. Well, I did. Back when a certain fandom was still thriving for a certain movie.

Cough.

I've said too much. Now I must retreat into my Dentmobile.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Now that's a fine way to live! I approve!

ha, did you hijack one when it came through your home town?

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

We never got one in my town. No one knows my state exists.

I had to get all my merch online. So depressing.

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

DONT CURSE THE DARKNESS MOTHERFUCKER LIGHT A CANDLE

Heh.

For some reason I'm imagining this guy shouting in a South London accent, and I don't know why, as normally I have no trouble with imagining shouty American people.

He writes like Dizzee Rascal raps: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZGvnI37mxk

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

What kind of South London accent?

More than ever, we need to create an entire show of celebrities performing ZMF monologues and snippets. Alan Arkin, Michael Caine, Bob Hoskins in full THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY mode, Daniel Day-Lewis... who else?

[nymphgalatea.livejournal.com]

You want a Sarff-East Landun accent, din't ya, like the ones the UK rappers use.

Or an East End one, which is possibly the most excruciatingly appalling accent to ever assault your eardrums

(I would Youtube some "EastEnders" episodes to get where I'm coming from. Try and get the ones featuring Bianca & Rickaaaaaaay, or Peggy Mitchell to get an idea of the accent needed)

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

"ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS IS MOVING AWAY SOON AND I AM GOING TO MISS THE FUCK OUT OF HER"

See, really he is a sensitive soul. It's okay, Zodiac Motherfucker! Don't cry!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It's true! If anyone doubted that ZMF had the heart of a poet, let those notions be henceforth dispelled as WACK AS FUCK.

[lillbet.livejournal.com]

I'm boycotting "Crank"- the poster tagline "He was dead, but he got better" pissed me off so bad. Xp

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

What?? WHY?! He totally did and everything! It... how you say... "OWNED"!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

His latest Tweet:

# WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU READING THIS FOR WHEN CRANK 2 IS FUCKING OWNING AT A THEATER NEAR YOU? PRIORITIZE

[tragical-mirth.livejournal.com]

Was right with him until he threw down on Maggie Gyllenhaal. Then I decided he needs to be removed from the gene pool. Maggie Gyllenhaal is a goddess, and if he can't see that, he has no dick. Game over.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Look, if I can still love him even though he thinks SAW is the best movie ever, you can look beyond this too. Tidbits like "I JUST THREW UP IN THE WRONG SIDE OF THE SINK. HOLY SHIT WHAT A FUCKED UP DAY" are just worth it, I'm sorry.

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

I CONCUR. SO. MUCH.

I would turn lesbian for Maggie G in an instant. She is wonderful.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

On one hand, I love Maggie G (although I can understand when people call her shrill; it's the same qualities that made her so perfect--and also so goodamned wonderful--in STRANGER THAN FICTION).

On the other hand, as ZMF himself says, "DISAGREE AND BE WRONG BITCH"

So I'm in a Dentian fix.

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

God, Stranger Than Fiction is my favorite movie of hers. Although, every time I watch it now, I think of it as some kind of weird alternate universe with the character of Rachel Dawes like... becoming a baker and ending up happy and alive (the whole thing about her character originally going to law school and stuff just seals my vivid imagination in place) which is probably not exactly the best thing to admit.

In almost all of her interviews, she seems like a really fun and down-to-earth person. Y'know, someone who does what they enjoy and doesn't care what anyone else thinks. :D

Dentian fix? SO FLIP A GODDAMN COIN, JESUS.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I'd love Rachel so much more if she were the STF girl (although watching that film with a real anarchist was amusing: "Yes, anarchists actually do organize and have groups, it doesn't work that way, sighhh... no, it's okay, I'm used to this sort of thing."). That movie just puts me in a happy place every damn time.

Hey, if I can watch BATMAN BEGINS wanting to replace every Rachel scene with young Harvey Dent, you're certainly free to imagine they're the same characters in both movies!

I keep trying, but it keeps coming up heads! What the hell?!

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

Haha, use a DIFFERENT COIN, goofy.

And oh god, what I would do to have Harvey in Batman Begins instead of Rachel. Her existence was what put me off in the first place. Maggie made me actually like the character somewhat (well, only because it's Maggie). That was actually one of the things I thought was awesome in your Dent story. The scene with Bruce and Harvey in the car after Chill's death - THAT should have been in the movie.

That reminds me, I still have yet to go back and do some heavy note taking on that novel. Now I have time though since I'm on spring break. -rubs hands together- It will be a fun project.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

In an earlier draft of the book, I actually used the entire Joe Chill trial flashback sequence from BATMAN BEGINS (everything from "Alfred still keeps the condensed milk on the top shelf" to the "Your father would be ashamed of you" scene that you saw, word for word with my own additions), but then I realized it bogged the whole first chapter down in too much backstory mire. I also had an entire scene of Harvey Dent versus Matt Murdock in a debate team.

But yeah, doesn't that scene work so much better with Harvey?! Because when (Holmes) Rachel does it, she comes off as sanctimonious and huffy. But when Harvey does it, the sense of betrayal is so much more personal and meaningful, because you know that's exactly what Harvey himself has been fighting from wanting to feel himself, and to see it in Bruce...!

By the way, I'm "taking a break" from rehearsal to refurbish the arc of the novel after the acid. I'm working on Harvey and Gilda in the hospital, trying to improve both characterizations and arcs there. It's tough, man! But hopefully I'm getting it in the right direction.

So yeah, please do, I anxiously await your notes!

Oh, and to combine this comment thread with the other one:

http://thehefner.livejournal.com/498515.html

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

Because when (Holmes) Rachel does it, she comes off as sanctimonious and huffy

THIS! This forever times infinity! She just didn't seem plausible as some kind of... justice preaching, lifelong friend. It killed the whole dramatic tone of the movie every time she opened her mouth. But I mean, all those words, they would have meant so much more coming from Harvey, especially with his back story and ideals and UGGHHH. This is making me wish that Nolan and Co. had just sucked up their fear of not portraying Harv right and gone right ahead with putting him in the movie.

I am so jealous of you and your Dentmobile antics. This is why I hate how I am in the backwater woods where nothing interesting happens. Although, this place is so misinformed and out of touch that whenever I wear my Harvey Dent tee, people ask me if he's some candidate I support and that "it's not even voting season yet."

People amuse me.

And yes yes yes, good! I can't wait to see what you've done with that scene. I know I wasn't much help when I explained what I thought was wrong with it and sorry about that. I do think that having Harvey take a little more notice and having Gilda tone down the bitchmeter will make a great difference. And if it doesn't? Well, I'll be waiting for someone to come throw some acid in my face.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Thank GOD you get it. Honestly, that was one of the reasons I started this book, just to do those scenes with Harvey! Obviously, it's grown from there!

It may please you to know that when I did my cross-country road trip for three months, several people out of the blue took notice of my Harvey Dent sticker (I was wearing the same leather jacket I wore at the Dentmobile) and most of them recognized him! That's one of the perks of TDK, some people actually know who Harvey is now!

Shall I send you the rough version when I whip it off and see if it's going in the right direction?

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

Indeedy, I'd love it if you did. I crave anything and everything Dent.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Awesome, thankya. I'll be in touch via e-mail shortly. :)

[fastbak77.livejournal.com]

I am LOL'ing so fucking much. I may have to except some of this on metaquotes if you're cool with that; I must spread the gospel!

[fastbak77.livejournal.com]

That is to say, excerpt. (I've only been awake half an hour.)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh, do so! Spread the gospel indeed! Man, I hope he never does become a big internet star, though. I'd hate to see what fame does to his head.

[fastbak77.livejournal.com]

The gospel, she is spread!