THE DURIAN DANCE (or, "When Angels Barf"): A Tragicomedy In Three Acts

[thehefner]

(OVERTURE)




ACT ONE


Wherein the subject of this whole farce is given a basic introduction for the benefit of those unfamiliar with its infamous traits. The key section to note here is "Flavour and odour," particularly this section:

British novelist Anthony Burgess writes that eating durian is "like eating sweet raspberry blancmange in the lavatory." Chef Andrew Zimmern compares the taste to "completely rotten, mushy onions." Anthony Bourdain, while a lover of durian, relates his encounter with the fruit as thus: "Its taste can only be described as...indescribable, something you will either love or despise. ...Your breath will smell as if you'd been French-kissing your dead grandmother." Travel and food writer Richard Sterling says:

“ ... its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock. It can be smelled from yards away. Despite its great local popularity, the raw fruit is forbidden from some establishments such as hotels, subways and airports, including public transportation in Southeast Asia."

Other comparisons have been made with the civet, sewage, stale vomit, skunk spray and used surgical swabs.



ACT TWO


Wherein in the magnificent benchilada took one for the internet, SO (WE DIDN'T) HAVE TO:

(Intermission. Feel free to take a pee and a smoke)



Back?



All right then.



ACT THREE


Wherein Hefner and his Filthy Assistants bitemetechie and darkestnova take a break from Fringing to have some pho at Vihn's Restaurant (1231 E Colonial Dr, Orlando, FL), whereupon they make a fateful discovery, the ramifications of which are still being felt to this day.

CODA

It was about eight hours later before she stopped looking pale and deathly. Her body did not reject the durian smoothie. Now it is a part of her. Just as it is a part of us all.

Forever.



(CURTAIN)

Comments

[dhairya.livejournal.com]

I LOVE durian. It doesn't taste vomity at all to me. It's sweet and good and smells very faintly of the insecticide they used to spray at my beach house when I was a kid, so I have this weird childhood connection to this fruit. I think this suddenly explains a lot about me, actually.
All Asians will gawk at round-eye ordering Durian. I order it everywhere they have it (usually in bubble tea form) and the reaction is always the same. "Durian? Are you sure? Really? You're really sure?"

Seriously, though, I don't get the off-taste that some people do. Tastes freakin indescribably awesome to me.
Also, it looks like an anklyosaurus, and that's a win any way you look at it.

[american-arcane.livejournal.com]

Yeah... the one time I had it (at a party devolutionary threw a few years back), it had the bad smell but the taste wasn't bad at all.

Guess it's yet another one of those things that a certain percentage of the population just tastes differently than most people.

But, Hef, that video is fantastic. You and your henchwomen rock. :)

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

You're...damaged goods.

I've never met you, I'm sure you're very nice, but you must be stopped.

[lillbet.livejournal.com]

I dunno, for me it's a texture thing. The texture screams "DELICIOUS!" (and how can you say no to delicious?) but the scent and flavor scream "DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME! I'M *SOB* HORRIBLE!".

It's kind of the reverse texture issue everyone else has, I guess.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I love how it LOOKS, don't get me wrong! But I could smell that shit from ACROSS THE FUCKING RESTAURANT, and it was all downhill from there.

[gemfyre.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's a genetic thing, like coriander and that chemical you get to taste in high school science classes.

I tried a tiny bit of the fruit when I was in Malaysia and yeah, for me it was "smells like hell, tastes like hell".