THE DURIAN DANCE (or, "When Angels Barf"): A Tragicomedy In Three Acts

[thehefner]

(OVERTURE)




ACT ONE


Wherein the subject of this whole farce is given a basic introduction for the benefit of those unfamiliar with its infamous traits. The key section to note here is "Flavour and odour," particularly this section:

British novelist Anthony Burgess writes that eating durian is "like eating sweet raspberry blancmange in the lavatory." Chef Andrew Zimmern compares the taste to "completely rotten, mushy onions." Anthony Bourdain, while a lover of durian, relates his encounter with the fruit as thus: "Its taste can only be described as...indescribable, something you will either love or despise. ...Your breath will smell as if you'd been French-kissing your dead grandmother." Travel and food writer Richard Sterling says:

“ ... its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock. It can be smelled from yards away. Despite its great local popularity, the raw fruit is forbidden from some establishments such as hotels, subways and airports, including public transportation in Southeast Asia."

Other comparisons have been made with the civet, sewage, stale vomit, skunk spray and used surgical swabs.



ACT TWO


Wherein in the magnificent benchilada took one for the internet, SO (WE DIDN'T) HAVE TO:

(Intermission. Feel free to take a pee and a smoke)



Back?



All right then.



ACT THREE


Wherein Hefner and his Filthy Assistants bitemetechie and darkestnova take a break from Fringing to have some pho at Vihn's Restaurant (1231 E Colonial Dr, Orlando, FL), whereupon they make a fateful discovery, the ramifications of which are still being felt to this day.

CODA

It was about eight hours later before she stopped looking pale and deathly. Her body did not reject the durian smoothie. Now it is a part of her. Just as it is a part of us all.

Forever.



(CURTAIN)

Comments

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. What a brave soul.

Best part: "IT COMES IN WAVES?!" I died of laughter. xD

[lillbet.livejournal.com]

I had durian several times during my Asian "tour" and I wish I could describe it (sadly, Anthony Bourdain is kinda right except for the grandmother part)- sort like a raw, slightly rotten steak that's been caramelized and buttered with a side of overdone to the point of brown-ness broccoli. With a sort of orange smoothie on the side that's been made of rancid yogurt.

Not bad, really (hell, I've eaten fermented beans, raw quail eggs, and things that have been buried underground for years), but not something you want to do more than once.

[bimmin.livejournal.com]

Fantastic! *^_^* Your henchfolk are indeed gorgeous and witty. Will they be along for the Canadian leg of your tour? This video has us stoked for Montreal. Cannot wait! <3

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

I cannot wait to get home and watch this!!!

[dhairya.livejournal.com]

I LOVE durian. It doesn't taste vomity at all to me. It's sweet and good and smells very faintly of the insecticide they used to spray at my beach house when I was a kid, so I have this weird childhood connection to this fruit. I think this suddenly explains a lot about me, actually.
All Asians will gawk at round-eye ordering Durian. I order it everywhere they have it (usually in bubble tea form) and the reaction is always the same. "Durian? Are you sure? Really? You're really sure?"

Seriously, though, I don't get the off-taste that some people do. Tastes freakin indescribably awesome to me.
Also, it looks like an anklyosaurus, and that's a win any way you look at it.

[sharrainchains.livejournal.com]

::shudder:: Thank you, the words and images of rotting squirrels, when angels barf, and it's coming in waves are now part of me, indeed. I cannot believe you (orbenchilada) did ... "that."

The only time I ever spat out a cookie and threw away the rest of the box - immediately closing the garbage bag and putting it outside the house - was when I tried Durian-flavored wafer cookies. I feel nauseous just thinking of them. ::shudder::

[american-arcane.livejournal.com]

Yeah... the one time I had it (at a party devolutionary threw a few years back), it had the bad smell but the taste wasn't bad at all.

Guess it's yet another one of those things that a certain percentage of the population just tastes differently than most people.

But, Hef, that video is fantastic. You and your henchwomen rock. :)

[frumple.livejournal.com]

Two girls one shake???

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

You're...damaged goods.

I've never met you, I'm sure you're very nice, but you must be stopped.

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

It so very much wants to be good and delicious, doesn't it?

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

Posted.

Who loves you?

[lillbet.livejournal.com]

It does, doesn't it? It's like a Catholic school girl with a BDSM fetish. It tries, SO HARD, but just...

[lillbet.livejournal.com]

I dunno, for me it's a texture thing. The texture screams "DELICIOUS!" (and how can you say no to delicious?) but the scent and flavor scream "DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME! I'M *SOB* HORRIBLE!".

It's kind of the reverse texture issue everyone else has, I guess.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Not God, who must surely hate us all for creating the damnable monstrosity in the first place.

Seriously, all these people claiming "it's not the bad" or higher... Ben, are we mad, or just the last sane people in a crazy world?

[wulfsbane.livejournal.com]

You have some very lovely minions, but even if they did volunteer for this mission you are a right bastard for making them follow through. Still, I salute you (and them) for subjecting yourselves to this torture.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Pity them not. They are far bigger masochists than I ever could be. I was just saying we should *taste* it (the experience alone would be worth the $3.50), but the Captain is the one who OFFERED TO DRINK THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Techie might well be along for Indianapolis and/or Vancouver, but Montreal I'm definitely flying (or rather, driving) solo! That is, aside from the Canadian Girlfriends like you whom I already have waiting for me up there!

[wulfsbane.livejournal.com]

Are you sure of that? Maybe his grandmother DOES taste like durian.

[wulfsbane.livejournal.com]

Okay, I admit the Captain seems a bit out of her gourd (is a durian considered a gourd?), but Techie seemed full of reproach.

Also, it might just be me, but did the Captain purposefully do a cleavage shot of Techie right as she finally refused to consume any more Durian smoothie? At about 8:36 in the video.

[pure-doxyk.livejournal.com]

I'm impressed! ...In the see-mom-I'm-not-even-hardly-crazy-compared-to-SOME-people kinda way.

It was around 4:50, where there's an involuntary eye-twitch, that I totally fell in love though. ;)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

... Y'know what, I think I'm gonna let them answer that when they next go to the library for interneting.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

hahaha, what, around the "it's... it's not right, man"? Yay!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I love how it LOOKS, don't get me wrong! But I could smell that shit from ACROSS THE FUCKING RESTAURANT, and it was all downhill from there.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I might be tempted to go for the poo one instead if it came down to that or another Durian smoothie.

Oh who am I kidding, we kept seriously considering going back and having another one.

[pure-doxyk.livejournal.com]

The whole thing can be summed up in that eye-twitch. It's like the alpha and omega of the durian smoothie.

Also, thank you for doing your part to ensure that I really, actually, NEVER have to. Because I have no intention of!