THE DURIAN DANCE (or, "When Angels Barf"): A Tragicomedy In Three Acts

[thehefner]

(OVERTURE)




ACT ONE


Wherein the subject of this whole farce is given a basic introduction for the benefit of those unfamiliar with its infamous traits. The key section to note here is "Flavour and odour," particularly this section:

British novelist Anthony Burgess writes that eating durian is "like eating sweet raspberry blancmange in the lavatory." Chef Andrew Zimmern compares the taste to "completely rotten, mushy onions." Anthony Bourdain, while a lover of durian, relates his encounter with the fruit as thus: "Its taste can only be described as...indescribable, something you will either love or despise. ...Your breath will smell as if you'd been French-kissing your dead grandmother." Travel and food writer Richard Sterling says:

“ ... its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock. It can be smelled from yards away. Despite its great local popularity, the raw fruit is forbidden from some establishments such as hotels, subways and airports, including public transportation in Southeast Asia."

Other comparisons have been made with the civet, sewage, stale vomit, skunk spray and used surgical swabs.



ACT TWO


Wherein in the magnificent benchilada took one for the internet, SO (WE DIDN'T) HAVE TO:

(Intermission. Feel free to take a pee and a smoke)



Back?



All right then.



ACT THREE


Wherein Hefner and his Filthy Assistants bitemetechie and darkestnova take a break from Fringing to have some pho at Vihn's Restaurant (1231 E Colonial Dr, Orlando, FL), whereupon they make a fateful discovery, the ramifications of which are still being felt to this day.

CODA

It was about eight hours later before she stopped looking pale and deathly. Her body did not reject the durian smoothie. Now it is a part of her. Just as it is a part of us all.

Forever.



(CURTAIN)

Comments

[nectarousness.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. What a brave soul.

Best part: "IT COMES IN WAVES?!" I died of laughter. xD

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

It's just not RIGHT, man!

[lillbet.livejournal.com]

I had durian several times during my Asian "tour" and I wish I could describe it (sadly, Anthony Bourdain is kinda right except for the grandmother part)- sort like a raw, slightly rotten steak that's been caramelized and buttered with a side of overdone to the point of brown-ness broccoli. With a sort of orange smoothie on the side that's been made of rancid yogurt.

Not bad, really (hell, I've eaten fermented beans, raw quail eggs, and things that have been buried underground for years), but not something you want to do more than once.

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

It so very much wants to be good and delicious, doesn't it?

[wulfsbane.livejournal.com]

Are you sure of that? Maybe his grandmother DOES taste like durian.

[bimmin.livejournal.com]

Fantastic! *^_^* Your henchfolk are indeed gorgeous and witty. Will they be along for the Canadian leg of your tour? This video has us stoked for Montreal. Cannot wait! <3

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Techie might well be along for Indianapolis and/or Vancouver, but Montreal I'm definitely flying (or rather, driving) solo! That is, aside from the Canadian Girlfriends like you whom I already have waiting for me up there!

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

I cannot wait to get home and watch this!!!

[dhairya.livejournal.com]

I LOVE durian. It doesn't taste vomity at all to me. It's sweet and good and smells very faintly of the insecticide they used to spray at my beach house when I was a kid, so I have this weird childhood connection to this fruit. I think this suddenly explains a lot about me, actually.
All Asians will gawk at round-eye ordering Durian. I order it everywhere they have it (usually in bubble tea form) and the reaction is always the same. "Durian? Are you sure? Really? You're really sure?"

Seriously, though, I don't get the off-taste that some people do. Tastes freakin indescribably awesome to me.
Also, it looks like an anklyosaurus, and that's a win any way you look at it.

[american-arcane.livejournal.com]

Yeah... the one time I had it (at a party devolutionary threw a few years back), it had the bad smell but the taste wasn't bad at all.

Guess it's yet another one of those things that a certain percentage of the population just tastes differently than most people.

But, Hef, that video is fantastic. You and your henchwomen rock. :)

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

You're...damaged goods.

I've never met you, I'm sure you're very nice, but you must be stopped.

[sharrainchains.livejournal.com]

::shudder:: Thank you, the words and images of rotting squirrels, when angels barf, and it's coming in waves are now part of me, indeed. I cannot believe you (orbenchilada) did ... "that."

The only time I ever spat out a cookie and threw away the rest of the box - immediately closing the garbage bag and putting it outside the house - was when I tried Durian-flavored wafer cookies. I feel nauseous just thinking of them. ::shudder::

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

AUGH. HOW DARE THEY PERVERT THE NOBLE COOKIE.

[frumple.livejournal.com]

Two girls one shake???

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I might be tempted to go for the poo one instead if it came down to that or another Durian smoothie.

Oh who am I kidding, we kept seriously considering going back and having another one.

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

Posted.

Who loves you?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Not God, who must surely hate us all for creating the damnable monstrosity in the first place.

Seriously, all these people claiming "it's not the bad" or higher... Ben, are we mad, or just the last sane people in a crazy world?

[wulfsbane.livejournal.com]

You have some very lovely minions, but even if they did volunteer for this mission you are a right bastard for making them follow through. Still, I salute you (and them) for subjecting yourselves to this torture.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Pity them not. They are far bigger masochists than I ever could be. I was just saying we should *taste* it (the experience alone would be worth the $3.50), but the Captain is the one who OFFERED TO DRINK THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING.

[pure-doxyk.livejournal.com]

I'm impressed! ...In the see-mom-I'm-not-even-hardly-crazy-compared-to-SOME-people kinda way.

It was around 4:50, where there's an involuntary eye-twitch, that I totally fell in love though. ;)

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

hahaha, what, around the "it's... it's not right, man"? Yay!

3 very sexy & courageous people!

[typsy-gypsy.livejournal.com]

"Wait, wait... It's still goingggg..." *dies*

And the look on Techie's face when the Captain says, "It's not so bad."

(Followed Ben here, btw *grin*)

Re: 3 very sexy & courageous people!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You should see them in person! The look-exchanging that occurs is often epic and magnificent.

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

Here from benchilada.

You all are my heroes. Especially the little cutie that drank most of that noxious mess.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

She looked like hell for the rest of the day. Ashen, pale, and miserable. Then she saw my show and was magically all better. My one man show heals all with comedy and awkwardness!

[lairdofdarkness.livejournal.com]

Damn Sir, you just made my evening about 100% more awesome!!
Brilliant Vid
And finally I get to see and hear the Hefner in action
like a drug I now want more

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Yay, thankya!

*ala Columbia and Magenta* More, MORE, MORE!

Just wait. I may be uploading an entire performance online in the near future.

[gore-whore-5.livejournal.com]

Glorious. Absolutely glorious. Well done.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I aims to please at mine own expense!

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

Damn. Now I _really_ want a durian colada.

To my tastebuds the fruit itself tasted much like an over-ripe mango. Not at all foul or vomity or squirrel-whatevery, just much in the same family as mango and papaya and its ilk, only more so. Now, I'm not a fan of mangos or papayas, so I was not instantly in love with it, but to me it's certainly in the realm of foods rather than party tricks.

And, since it's a fundamental truth that any fruit is better with rum, so now I _really_ want to try it in liquid and well-lubricated form.

And yeah, your minions are exceedinly cute, especially the very brave one.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

... dear lord, you really wanna combine the puke-inducing properties of durian and liquor?!

... I know *I* do now! Perhaps at some future ill-fated Rudes' cast party! Moo hoo ah ha.

Oh, by the way, has the Bat-Mite episode of BRAVE AND BOLD aired yet? Because I've seen clips, and oh dear lord, I cannot cannot cannot wait. Paul Rubens as Bat-Mite!

[zwee.livejournal.com]

1) Love the hat
2) Cute Filthy Assistants Rule!
3) OMB bewbies! Sassy bewbies! *grabby hands*
4) Cute innocent looking hotties taking one for the team while sporting a halo and giggling = full of win!
5) "I hang out at Gaming Conventions. They don't know what they're doing." COMEDY GOLD!

[jonnorthwood.livejournal.com]

You three are now officially my heroes. Funny, sassy, and willing to take chances no sane human ever would.

[darkestnova.livejournal.com]

I--you were listening to Poisoning Pigeons in the Park? *JOY!*

Anyway, I just watched this again, and my stomach went all CHURNYCHURNY.

And yet, ever time I think of this day, I want to do it all over again.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You can credit the great little_dinosaur for introducing me to that one a couple years back. :)

We've seen durian smoothies on the menus at one or two Vietnamese restaurants since then. We've been tempted every damn time.

[wulfsbane.livejournal.com]

Sadly this can no longer be watched.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Very sadly. We shall hopefully get that fixed one of these days!