THE DURIAN DANCE (or, "When Angels Barf"): A Tragicomedy In Three Acts

[thehefner]

(OVERTURE)




ACT ONE


Wherein the subject of this whole farce is given a basic introduction for the benefit of those unfamiliar with its infamous traits. The key section to note here is "Flavour and odour," particularly this section:

British novelist Anthony Burgess writes that eating durian is "like eating sweet raspberry blancmange in the lavatory." Chef Andrew Zimmern compares the taste to "completely rotten, mushy onions." Anthony Bourdain, while a lover of durian, relates his encounter with the fruit as thus: "Its taste can only be described as...indescribable, something you will either love or despise. ...Your breath will smell as if you'd been French-kissing your dead grandmother." Travel and food writer Richard Sterling says:

“ ... its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock. It can be smelled from yards away. Despite its great local popularity, the raw fruit is forbidden from some establishments such as hotels, subways and airports, including public transportation in Southeast Asia."

Other comparisons have been made with the civet, sewage, stale vomit, skunk spray and used surgical swabs.



ACT TWO


Wherein in the magnificent benchilada took one for the internet, SO (WE DIDN'T) HAVE TO:

(Intermission. Feel free to take a pee and a smoke)



Back?



All right then.



ACT THREE


Wherein Hefner and his Filthy Assistants bitemetechie and darkestnova take a break from Fringing to have some pho at Vihn's Restaurant (1231 E Colonial Dr, Orlando, FL), whereupon they make a fateful discovery, the ramifications of which are still being felt to this day.

CODA

It was about eight hours later before she stopped looking pale and deathly. Her body did not reject the durian smoothie. Now it is a part of her. Just as it is a part of us all.

Forever.



(CURTAIN)

Comments

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I dunno. I'm not saying I wouldn't try silkworm pupae, if given the opportunity (and if there was a camera nearby), but for now, I dare say his crown is in no danger.

Now, if we ever get our hands on any of these... that will be the true test. God help us all. Especially the Captain, if she's along. If anyone could pose a threat to Ben, it's her. Once we dare her to do it, that is.

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

Heh. I squicked a lot of people on my friends' list with that article when Cracked first put it out.