that probably explains why there was no second date

[thehefner]

So I recently realized what may have gone wrong with my attempts to court the cute hippie chick. Having her over to my house wasn't the biggest mistake, nor was my decision to show her THE NINTH CONFIGURATION. And I know many of you are rolling your eyes at that one, but no, it wasn't as stupid a choice as it might seem. I chose it for a very good reason that pertained to her interests! I just don't remember exactly why. But that's all besides the point.

No, I think the main flub of the evening came when we were on my bed, watching the movie and getting close, and I noticed she had a tear in her jeans. This particular tear was way, wayyyy up at the very top of her legs, an inch or so higher than Daisy Dukes would be, had they been cut off all the way. You know, a tear that revealed a nice window to her butt.

So in an attempt to be witty and flirty, I pointed to the tear, smiled, and remarked:

"I like your butt hole."

...

It was weeks before I realized what I said.

Clearly, I need to work that into a story. I just don't know where.

Comments

[marred82.livejournal.com]

It's better than:

"I see you have sex the way God intended: through a hole in your jeans"

[cephiedvariable.livejournal.com]

I would have fallen for that one. Trufax.

Okay, well maybe not. But that at least merits a few points for originality.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

You also would likely have been wowed by all the GL memorabelia in my room. As opposed to her, who said, somewhat bemused, "Someone's a Green Lantern fan."

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Maybe you shouldn't talk to girls.
You have that deaf school nearby, right?

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

But how will I wow them with my storytelling and endless Simpsons and Monty Python quotes?! My flailing arm gestures can only do so much!

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

Your selling point should always be simple:
If they are very lucky, you will let them be seen with you.
Tip: Save the flailing for at least the third date...unless she's a cancer victim looking for that final score. Then? Fuck it. Rock out like you've got Huntington's chorea. And bill the estate for services rendered.
Another tip: no stories involving fecal matter, brutal relationships, or how great you are until at least the fourth date. Only *I* have ever gotten away with being a completely self-absorbed prick, and it didn't work for very long. (Thankfully, she was lying about the pistol permit.)

[kali921.livejournal.com]

Your selling point should always be simple:
If they are very lucky, you will let them be seen with you.

No, no, no. It's the other way around. You are lucky to be seen with her.

I must respectfully disagree, or at least explain.

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

I fear I may have been unclear; my enthusiasm for trying to help can sometimes ruin the efforts themselves.
The man must be (or seem, or at least believe himself to be) a paragon in some field or other, damn near the top if not the Goddamned Batman, and he must swipe chunks of this confidence, smear it all over himself, and approach in absolute Zen.
(Given Hef's accomplishments as a storyteller, bon vivant, and suave SOB, this part is going to be easier than he thinks.)
If she says no, it is not the end of the world.
If she says yes, it is not the rebirth of Spock.
He must make himself desirable, and the best way to do that is to polish the merchandise as much as possible (and that is NOT a euphemism for masturbation, FYI.)
It is a tightrope covered in chicken grease, and it is to be walked in pink fuzzy bunny slippers...OVERSIZED pink fuzzy bunny slippers.
Otherwise, our boy will squee in public. That's the sort of frenetic outburst that we're trying to avoid.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Clearly, for both you and Kali, I'm gonna need to post my latest Hefnerian story. Because I have gotten better since, but it... well... you'll see.

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

Oh, do tell.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

He'd be just as flaily in ASL. I'm quite sure of it. Look, if his male friends won't band together to give him pointers, I'll spend some quality time giving him girl intel.

[suburbfabulous.livejournal.com]

If you knew my history, you'd know that I am either the best or worst person to ever give advice.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

I disagree, beloved Mr. G. I think you give sound advice chock full of perspicaity and violent subtext.

Which, y'know, is ace in my book.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

You did not.

...did you?

I'm sorry, Heffie, but that's the funniest thing since...Woody Allen's Love and Death.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

That's a hell of a compliment/consolation prize.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

I consider Love and Death one of the pinnacles of Woody Allen's storied career. So yes, that's a compliment.

It's time for lessons. I think you should invest in some of John Grey's books, and LET ME TRANSLATE THEM FOR YOU. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Look, man, I've given you girl intel before, stuff that girls don't usually tell guys about how to woo the opposite sex, and clearly the message isn't getting through. It's time for FORCIBLE OSMOSIS. Vulcan mind meld. SOMETHING.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

As I've just seen LOVE AND DEATH recently, I would have to agree. That and SLEEPER are, in my opinion, his downright funniest. I might even prefer L&D at this point, but I dunno. (I also have great deep love for ANNIE HALL and MATCH POINT).

Hey, in fairness, this was a rare example of me doing something this spectacularly disastrous. Usually it's far less interesting and entertaining.

I should tell you that you were right on one point, I really do have the Hef in me. I've discovered this bit by bit of late. Unfortunately, it was in situations where... well, they were Hefnerian, let's put it that way.

PS.

[kali921.livejournal.com]

PS. I need to flail at someone about Sinestro Corps, STAT. The last four pages of new GL blew me away.

Re: PS.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Oh, by all means, flail away.

Also, did you read the SUPERMAN-PRIME special? Read this thread if you haven't yet:

http://community.livejournal.com/scans_daily/4301845.html?thread=155032597#t155032597

I have to say, I really, really love nymphgalatea's idea about Cyborg Superman and Superboy Prime sorta reforming and going off into the sunset as father-son. Going on fishing trips! Giving him his first beer! Heading to the ball game! Playing catch with planets!

[little-dinosaur.livejournal.com]

Wow.

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

I dare say I outdid myself with that one.

Head.

Desk.

[skalja.livejournal.com]

Okay, that's ... wow.

[deliapuppeh.livejournal.com]

xD Love it.

[adaptor.livejournal.com]

No, I think that's gold as is!

[thehefner.livejournal.com]

Well, at least now I have a mini-monologue ready to go. I've been told that I need to have, in my rep, something that's 90 minutes, something else that's 60 minutes, and others that are 30, 15, and 5, respectively. Something like that. It's tough, as I'm a long-winded bastard, and like to have a bit more meaning other than just a punchline.

But as far as punchlines go, that's now one of my best.